A
female
age
30-35,
*hatMatters
writes:I'm not sure whether my boyfriend is suffering from retroactive jealousy or is actually a bad and possibly abusive person, what do you think?Story - we are 25 and 28, about the same number of partners (+1 for me), neither of us feels insecure, he claims to have no insecurities at all. We've been going out for a year and aside from this, EVERYTHING is perfect. He's bossy but not controlling, is a little old fashioned but pro-feminism (i.e. the simple women and men should be treated the same). We feel very much like this is a unique and special relationship for us both, having both had previous serious longer term ones and think we are extremely compatible and want to be with each other despite all this crap.The trouble is, he asked me outright if I'd ever had any one night stands and I was honest with him that before I'd met him I'd had three extremely drunken ones (I wouldn't call it fully informed consent) over 3 months after I'd broken up with my ex fiancé and was in a generally shitty frame of mind. The most recent one was 4 months before I'd met my boyfriend, the most distant was 7 months before. I used condoms and have never had a non-HPV STI and proved this to him. I regret them intensely, they were not enjoyable experiences by any measure - but don't feel like I ought to be ashamed of what I did. I'm in the "sex can be just for fun but it's infinitely better when you love them" camp (not that I've experienced fun casual sex and have negligible interest in trying again).My boyfriend completely flipped out and has continued to do so for 6 months. Although much of it sounds like retroactive jealousy and fits a million similar stories on the internet, he does not think that is the problem. After so long of being treated badly by him I'm again reconsidering whether he is actually just abusive.He has -Asked me endless cycling repetitive questions as to exactly what happened (I've written him every single detail as he insisted it would help). This hurt me (going over old traumatic experiences is not fun) and I told him beforehand that it would.Inferred but not outright called me a slut, and said he thought that I was easy and guys didn't like that, inferred he was disgusted by me.Said that he must have done something terrible in a previous life to deserve my past. He's made me feel ashamed for having consensual(ish) sex with another adult and has come up with all kinds of bizarre reasons for how I could have caused harm to someone such as that "the majority" of people who have one night stands are in relationships and that I'd make these men respect women less and that I ought to have thought about how it might hurt my future partners.He's made me cry so many times and twist my head into knots trying to remember what on earth happened and feel so guilty and ashamed for making him so upset (he barely slept for a while)Keeps bringing it up despite me telling him repeatedly that every mention of it hurts me.Said what I did was on the same scale of horror as genocide.Said he doesn't respect people who have ONSWhen I had some medical tests back indicating I may have cervical cancer, his response to me telling him my concern was to panic that I might have given him HPV (which can cause cancer but is 99.9% harmless)Not spoken to me for days, pushed me away, refused to say he loves me for 6 months (he's said it about 3 times this year and every time he says how much it hurts him.)I've tried to end it a few times after he's said such horrendous things but every time I do he realises how awful his venting has been, apologises and says he will work on making it better. At the most recent outburst he finally realised there might be something wrong with his brain but still would not accept it was definitely jealousy but agreed to do the course on retroactivejealousy.com. For the past couple of months he has started trying to work on it based on the advice given on that site, he says there's been improvement and there has only been a few outbursts since and yet he still doesn't accept that it is jealousy. The majority of the time (especially more recently he's his usual lovely self.)The issue for him seems to be that he thinks our values are incompatible. Niether of us is religious and this seems to boil down to me thinking things are only wrong if you harm other people, and him thinking things are wrong if you harm others or yourself. This doesn't seem to be a massive difference to me, especially as he seems to only apply this "yourself" addition when talking about my past. He doesn't think there's anything wrong with casual sex, but hasn't had it himself. He's keen for us to do some swinging together, this is the extent to which he does not mind (although at first he claimed to think that sex had to be meaningful or else)! Yet he is too all intents and purposes slut-shaming me (he claims he isn't because he would judge a man who has ONS just the same as he would a woman) and I cannot stand to be with a guy who passes judgement on me and won't accept me. To do so seems extremely cruel and archaic to me, given that this was in the past before I met him, along the lines of judging people fro being mentally ill or purely by the mistakes by make when they are young. He says he doesn't want to think badly of "sluts", but maybe he does.So I am trying to figure out whether toa) stick with him as he is a nice man, and EVERYTHING else is perfect, he just needs to overcome his retroactive jealousy (which is do-able)b) leave him as he's the kind of person who slut shames and judges people, including mec leave him as he is not nice nor jealous, just emotionally abusived) leave him as even though he's a nice man, he's got retroactive jealousy and a track record of taking it out on me and maybe he is not committed to making himself better enough to overcome it.He favours option a but is considering whether option b is the case (probably in different words) this week whilst we are on a break. Thanks for reading, and advice appreciated as I know my objectivity has been punched out.
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male
reader, retroactive  +, writes (19 May 2016):
It's been a while till OP posted this question but I still wanted to share my thoughts as I'm exactly going through what your boyfriend did.It really feels like abuse in my opinion. But I don't think he likes or doing it on purpose. RJ is a devastating problem that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I'll just copy-paste the stuff I wrote down for my psychologist. it shows how my RJ and emotions evolved in a timeline. It is a bit cryptic but you will have a chance to go in to my brain. - I love you so much. - I never ever loved someone as much as I loved you. - I dreamed about you even before I knew you.- You told me about your past- I felt so much agony confusion envy jealousy regret hate love anger at the same time. My emotions are overloaded.- This avalanche of feelings broke me mentally. I will never be the same- You supposed to be the chosen one, special one. You can't be like any other girl out there.- I will fix this. There is a solution. There must be a solution.- There is no solution to change the past. But I will seek it anyhow searching on internet non stop.- Now I'm obsessed with you. I'll be the best lover you ever had. - And I do that. I made sure you will NEVER find someone like me ever again.- I told you about my feelings. You know you don't want to lose me. I'm the best thing that ever happened to you.- Now I know you are afraid to lose me. You made me feel like you are worthless but you beg for my love and mercy.- I still make you feel like a queen. I show you a glimpse of a life. A life that would be your forever if you didn't had fun with those boys. I want you to hate yourself. Hate them. They used you. They took away your happiness. But ultimately you accepted it.It is your fault. You are not you anymore. You represent all of those super pretty girls who had sex with those handsome guys while ignoring me. Years passed, I'm this successful handsome guy. I'm gonna give all of you a lesson. I'm gonna teach you a lesson about what happens to girls like you in the end.- I still love you. A lot. I curse my destiny. I want to marry you. - Images in my brain never stops. They hurt me a lot. - Triggers everywhere. And I'll make sure you notice that I noticed those triggers. I won't suffer in silence. I won't tell you when I go in to crisis. but I'll make sure that you feel it.- I don't think there will be a single day that I don't remember about your past for the rest of my life.- If you cry so much, I'll be this lovely guy again. I don't know why. My retroactive jealousy will go away.For a while..- If you go in to depression, I'll do anything to make you the happiest girl in the world. Till you get out of it..- I still love you so much. You are my princess.- I start to see a professional. - This psychiatrist is talking bullshit. NO I will never accept his ideas. I have my own facts. They are my values and standards. I know I'm right.- I still love you. I hate my life. I'm in heaven and hell at the same time. - To punish you, I have to "burn the house". But I'm in it too. I'm not enjoying this. - I sometimes don't answer your calls for whole day. I know you know the reason. I know it hurts you so much. Deep inside , I like it.- I will be with you. But you know that you owe me. For the rest of your life , you can't even raise your voice. You are my slave now.- I will never hurt you psychically.- What a wonderful life we would have together. Almost like in the movies. But you RUINED it. You destroyed OUR happiness. You and I will never have this ever again. Not even with someone else. We were destined to be together. We were soulmates. - I'm very intelligent. I'm really trying to fix my brain. But I also reject that I'm sick. I turned my insecurities in to values. But yet I still believe my thoughts and values are right. There are girls to marry and there are girls to have fun. My wife should be someone that I would worship. Someone that I spend my life to make her happy. -- I'm more powerful, handsome , wealthy, intelligent than your exes. I can't accept that they had you like I do. I feel like they are laughing at my face. I'm feeling powerless and vulnerable and less masculine. - Why the hell should I spend my life with you? What can you possibly give to me that you didn't gave to others? Mind you that I'm 10x better than them in every way.- I start to dream again. For this imaginary girl. And it is not you anymore. She looks like you but she doesn't have a past. She is mine and mine only.- I'm afraid I won't find her.- Everyday my RJ gets better. - Everyday I love you less.- I don't know if I'm getting better because I love you less or the opposite. Maybe RJ also used to fuel my love?- I'll eventually break up with you. I started to resent you. I'm falling out of love.- I'm sorry for making you feel this way. I wish when I'm done. I won't leave you in ruins.- I love you. Maybe we should get married.- I don't want a spectacular wedding. What are we celebrating? I'll cry at my wedding night. I'm signing a life of happiness and unending agony.
A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (29 June 2014):
If people haven't experienced first hand what you are dealing with then its hard to be really helpful. As a male I have been where your boyfriend is and after many years still hurt when I think about it, but like all pain, time does deminish the impact.Is it wrong that your boyfriend is hurt by the thought that the most important person in his life was so careless? That there are guys that took advantage of you and, if they remember you at all, it will be of some slut they fucked at a party or picked up at a bar? Whilst he can rationize that you were free and independant at the time and had every right to do what you wanted, the person that you were then is not the person your boyfriend would want to be in love with now.Despite all the advice to leave him I understand you love him, and he you, probably more than you realise judged by how much he has reacted.You also have a part in this, you told him something that has hurt him, it's a reaction to pain that we say hurtful things back, things we don't mean.He could sense from you that you weren't telling him about a fun time at the park, he picked up your regret and pain at thinking about it and it triggered a protective instinct that drove him crazy because the only person he knows that he could blame is you.If he is not mentioning any of this now don't think he is over it. It is bottled up, and you need to help get over this.At the right time you do need to break the ice and explain how it was a really bad time in your life and you want to forget it and you're sorry it hurt him so much. Talk about how it upset him, and how the memory of it upsets you, and make a pact not to mention it again. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2014): Even if this guy was not being abusive you still have an unsolvable problem with the value difference.
RJ does not go away. Time does not heal it because it is not just a "past" problem. He is not only upset about what you did in the past, he is upset that his mate is capable of doing things against his values. 10 or 20 years from now your BF will still be thinking about it every single day. The only question is whether he will decide to suffer in silence or not.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (28 June 2014):
 Amen to Mark 1978 again.
Op, when someone is verbally and emotionally constant abuser, ....what other informations are needed ?! .
OP, suppose you have a child ( a son, a kid brother ) who goes to elementary school, and he comes home several times black and blue for the slaps and pinches he gets from his teacher. You go complain to the principal, and she says " Yes, true, but there's something you don't know, Mrs X, you don't have all the informations... you don't know that your son's teacher graduated cum laude top of her class in the best college ( university ) of our country... and she has a superior IQ and is a member of Mensa...."
Who cares ??!! She is an abuser, period, and you would not let her abuse your child even if she was the Quen of England !
I feel it's sad that people understands this kind of example only when it's PHYSICAl abuse and there are bleeding noses.... obviously noses get more respect than minds and hearts ,.... and I feel it's sad that people can't manage to be as protective of themselves as they would be of a beloved child or relative.... after all, YOU are your own closest relative, it should not be so difficult to demand respect for yourself...
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A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (28 June 2014):
 "It's just that I have far more information about who I am, who he is and the entire situation to go on than you guys partly due to misunderstandings based on the lack of clarity in my original post."
OP we don't need any more information and no other info you may have is going to change that fact that:
-Asked me endless cycling repetitive questions as to exactly what happened .This hurt me (going over old traumatic experiences is not fun) and I told him beforehand that it would.
-Inferred but not outright called me a slut, and said he thought that I was easy and guys didn't like that, inferred he was disgusted by me.
-Said that he must have done something terrible in a previous life to deserve my past.
-He's made me feel ashamed for having consensual(ish) sex with another adult and has come up with all kinds of bizarre reasons for how I could have caused harm to someone such as that "the majority" of people who have one night stands are in relationships and that I'd make these men respect women less and that I ought to have thought about how it might hurt my future partners.
-He's made me cry so many times and twist my head into knots trying to remember what on earth happened and feel so guilty and ashamed for making him so upset (he barely slept for a while)
-Keeps bringing it up despite me telling him repeatedly that every mention of it hurts me.
-Said what I did was on the same scale of horror as genocide.
-Said he doesn't respect people who have ONS
(all this from a guy who you claim, and who claims himself NOT to be insecure!!)
So apart from making you cry regularly, comparing your actions with genocide (REALLY!?!), telling you he has ne respect for you, doesn't deserve YOUR past and making you feel ashamed, not telling you he loves you for six months and the saying it pains him to tell you he loves you, the rest of the relationship is absolutely perfect?!
Im afraid that's a bit like saying "my new car is great, absolutely perfect apart from the rust, dodgy brakes, one wheel is missing and it doesn't start in the morning."
Giving this guy one last chance is foolish....he will not change OP? the only thing that's changing is your attitude towards it. Now you have been given a reality check by us you are doing that classic thing of trying to convince us that there are positives we don't know about or that maybe your initial description was a bit strong, sorry Op we see that a lot.
Op ive just read your initial post again and see your Bf is keen for the two of you to try swing together? That would be a fatal error in this relationship. He cannot forgive your past relationships and lacks respect for your previous sexual history, how the hell is he going to cope with swinging?!?!?!?!
"He's really a good guy,just with this unfortunate mental issue."
The problem is, that you are excusing his behaviour by blaming it on his mental issues. That is something many women in abusive, threatening or damaging relationships do. They say "oh Johnny is a lovely, decent guy really, tis his medication/problems/upbringing that makes him rape me, beat me, kick me down the stairs". He is not a good guy. His words and actions are vile and yet you are too willing to see them as getting better or having a positive trend.
The problem for people in your situation is that the minute he starts treating you just a little better, its easy to see it as a huge step forward. When in reality you are still being treated like shit, its just not as much. You are looking for positives but this relationship is awful.
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A
female
reader, WhatMatters +, writes (28 June 2014):
WhatMatters is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have listened to your advice, am acting on it, and I do appreciate it very much. It's just that I have far more information about who I am, who he is and the entire situation to go on than you guys partly due to misunderstandings based on the lack of clarity in my original post. I am basing my decisions on all of your advice *as well as* the other information. He's really a good guy,just with this unfortunate mental issue. We make each other far too happy to give up *right* when things have gotten so much better for such a sustained period. For clarity "one last go" is as follows if he's decided our values do match (which I think they do) i shall give him one last ultimatum that on extensive list of things he has to agree on and to do. I'm telling him exactly how he is being abusive and that it has to stop, that if he does it once more or he cant agree to the list I am leaving and telling everyone I know as per the rulebook on leaving abusive men. I wouldn't be doing this if it weren't for your posts making me see I wasn't being overly sensitive, so you have changed my mind and I am once again thankful to you.
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A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (27 June 2014):
Yes Anon you are quite correct - counselling is confidential, the Ops partners claims of not wanting it to go in his record are indeed absolute BOLLOCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2014): I must say I agree with two Auntie and Uncle who've responded to your final follow-up. It's very disheartening when posters obviously intend on ignoring the advice even though they're intelligent and have obviously inderstood what's been said. ALL the aunts and uncles who responded to your question said that the relationship was unsalvageable.
You,ve been a little bit contradictory about the counselling. First you state that your boyfriend refuses to have counselling. Then you state that he's considering it.
How long will he be allowed to "consider" it for? A month? 6 months? A year? Indefinitely? He's already made excuses about WHY he can't get counselling so be prepared for more and more inventive ones. His excuse about it going on his medical record is bollocks. Medical records are private and information can only be shared with his permission. And even NHS counselling services are frequently out-sourced to private companies (with the NHS picking up the tab). All the GP does is give a telephone number and the patient sorts out his/her own counselling. The GP doesn't even check to find out whether the patient has done this. Who does he think is going to find out anyway?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (27 June 2014):
Amen to Mark1978.
Sigh.. it gets a bit frustrating to be an Aunt some times. Not that I would ever expect or WISH that people took my words as the oracle... but then, also KNOWING that everything we say gets in the right ear just to immediately go out off the left one....
" He won't go to counseling because it would show on his medical records ".
Then, what are talking about, OP, fried air ?! .... he won't go and you know it.
Ah so he is "considering " going now ? ( yeah right ). And what are you doing there , while he is still considering ?.. What if he needs to consider for 6, 12 months ?... in the meantime you keep taking verbal and emotional abuse ?...
The very minimum you could do for yourself ( if you are so patient that you want to stand by him while he is sorting himself out, which is not even a given , because not everybody would do it )- would be to tell him " Ok, when you are done considering, and have booked your appointments, and have dragged your butt to at least the first 3 or 4 sessions to show me some real effort, THEN call me . In the meantime, I wish you the best and am, yours sincerely ...".
You sound like an intelligent, reasonably self aware person, are you really telling us that you can't recognize a stalling tecnique when you see one ?...
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A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (27 June 2014):
Sadly your follow up is exactly what I was expecting. Like so many women we get on here you read our responses and then make it clear that you will give him yet another one last chance (and another, and another) and kid yourself that this guy will change. Men rarely change. Especially one with his kind of problems.
"Seeing as the general trend in his behaviour is very positive, especially the fact he's working on it and is at least considering counselling (big step forward). I think I'll give it one final go"
His behaviour is NOT on a positive trend OP! You are fooling yourself to avoid the reality and avoid walking away. Considering counselling is very, very different from actually having professional help and sticking with it. He may tell you he MIGHT go for counselling when he needs to make you think he is improving, but im afraid your going to find it will be a long term future of empty promises on that score. To say that his claims of possibly going for counselling is a BIG STEP FORWARD is naïve. Judge his actions, not his words. As you yorusefl said, he has a get out clause - "Agreed he needs counselling. He won't go as it'll get on his medical record."
"I know it'll all be OK eventually"
Im sorry but you don't. Deep down you know the only thing that will change is your attitude towards his behaviour. You will become yet more accepting of it to the point where you don't even notice.
You are putting a greater value on having a BF who accidently buys you same present as you buy him and having lots in common, that the fact he treats you like dog shit 10% of the time. Most abusive relationships are fine most of the time!
"I've tried to end it a few times after he's said such horrendous things but every time I do he realises how awful his venting has been, apologises and says he will work on making it better."
Only for him to say those hideous things again, and again, and again, and again, and again....get a grip! You are the victim here not you. Everytime you tried to leave he would play the guilt card and tell you what you want to hear, make you feel sorry for him and therefore get you to stay. Only for that manipulation to go on and on every time. What if he was physically rather than verbally and emotionally abusing you? Would you still keep going back for more because he says he sees the error of his ways, only to do the same thing again and again?!
Mark
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A
female
reader, WhatMatters +, writes (27 June 2014):
WhatMatters is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for your responses. Your general consensus is very helpful and probably will be even more helpful at times in the future.
Seeing as the general trend in his behaviour is very positive, especially the fact he's working on it and is at least considering counselling (big step forward). I think I'll give it one final go but if he says anything remotely similar ever again that is it, and now that I've said it in public I can't back out!
I know it'll all be OK eventually, however it works out and contrary to what some of you seem to think I'm not actually an irrational person who's lost all self-respect - far from it, but I can see why you'd think that from my posts so no hard feelings :)
Thank you again.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2014): Op, your boyfriend has lost all respect for you, and it sounds like you have lost all self respect to put up with this. You didn't realise how being truthful about the ons's would blow his mind, but it certainly has. He's not going to fix this until he has a meaningless ons, or 2, but swinging is probably not going to help. Most of us put some mystical meaning into have sex with someone, its special, bonding, commitment, exclusive, love, etc etc. But you have shown him that this is not necessarily true where you are concerned. In his eyes you were, at least to three guys, a cheap drunk slut and unfortunately its going to be many years before he's wise enough to understand that wasn't you. You have a total right to enjoy sex with whomever you wish but if you need to be open and honest with everyone about it then best to do it at the start so you can weed out those who can't handle it. Clearly the person you are now that your boyfriend is in love with is not the person you have made him imagine you were, and he can't work it out.How do you fix it? The only thing I can suggest is sex, lots of sex, several times a day, make him realise what is real, that he's the best, and you love him, and at the right moment just remind him he shouldn't hurt you any more.Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2014): I am not defending your BF's mistreatment of you since he found out about your ONS history. It is indeed abusive.But the underlying problem is significant and I don't think it is as simple as "wait for him to change." The fact is that your BF has one set of values about sex and you have another. For whatever reason he was under the impression that you shared his values until he found out otherwise. Now he is required to change them if this relationship is to continue. This is not easy. Do you think you could start to feel shamed about your past? Do you think you could handle feeling just as bad about your past as your BF does? That is literally the amount of moral change that you are expecting your BF to make now. That would be an achievement if he can do it but its not a very fair demand to make on someone. You both need to ask yourselves if this is worth trying to save.@ CindyCares:Men's RJ is no more of a "mental disturbance" than women's "bad boy phase". And the latter is every bit as harmful to society at large, maybe more. So why don't you come off the high horse a bit? Both sexes have some Darwinian traits that cause nothing but trouble for everyone.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (25 June 2014):
Sorry, personally I think your bf is just an abusive prick, but don't mind me and my , necessarily uninformed, assessment.
My point is, suppose it is " just " RJ.
Should you / could you / would you just stay put taking abuse, while he sorts out his problems ?.
Basically RJ is a form of OCD- a mental disturbance.
If he was schizofrenic or paranoid or severely depressed, it would not be cruel or uncaring of you to break off WHILE he fixes his problems. Because you could not have a healthy, equal ,balanced relationship with this kind of person. It would not be his fault... but neither it would be yours. You'd find yourself inevitably stuck in the role , not of lover and companion, but in that of nurse / mother / crutch / caretaker, who must always to take s..t with a smile on her lips and walk on eggshell to avoid trouble.
I don't blame women who choose to stick with a mentally disturbed partner, - nor I particularly admire them. Because, at the end of the day, a relationship is made of TWO people whose dignity,fulfillment and peace of mind are equally important, and when some condition prevents that from happening, well, then it's not even really like having a relationship, is it? , it's more like doing a good deed.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2014): I think lots of intelligent advice has already been given to you, but I wanted to add: if he is THIS upset over a rather minor incident or two that happened before you were together, just think how he might react over something that happens in the future if you stay together. (I'm not saying you will cheat, but life is complicated and he may take offense at something innocuous that happens.) My suggestion is that you find a new guy.
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A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (24 June 2014):
The problem now is that you are thinking that he is a nice guy 90 % of the time and that you normally get on well. You need to get out of that way of thinking. You also need to get out of the "i will think on it" mode, as you will only convince yourself he will change and that he needs saving. He wont and does not. YOU need saving form this vile man.
Whether he is Mr Perfect 99.9% of the time is irrelevant. He is abusive. The fact you have so much in common and so on doesn't count for much if he treats you like shit some of the time. Also your follow up does make it sound like you are trying to convince us, or yourself, that these problems are the "very worst parts" as if that excuses them.
Im sad that you are falling into the usual abusive partner pattern of making excuses, playing up his good points and playing down his bad.
Mark
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (24 June 2014):
 Oh my.
This will never STOP from his side and he will tear you down even more than he already has. Men with RJ RARELY "get" over it. Some learn to deal with it, but it DOES pop up here and there and then you ADD that he is being abusive to boot, means that he FEELS entitled to TREAT you the way he does.
The fact that you are BELIEVING the CRAP is is putting out as the "truth" - you having ONS = genocide? seriously? That you ALMOST singlehandedly is to be blamed why MEN don't respect women? ALL because of ONS?
YOUR BF may "suffer" from Retrograde Jealousy, but he is also a SICK SICK bugger.
OPTION C.
You think because he "sprinkles" in some nice guy routine in between his abuse it might be salvageable. IT ISN'T.
His SOLUTION to your PAST (WHICH HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM) is that you now should Swing with him so HE can CHEAT ON YOU with your consent and IF you ACTUALLY enjoy this swinging he will get more ammo to "SLUT shame" you some more. And if you try it and absolutely HATE it (which I think you will if you feel ONS was so bad yourself) he will leave you at home and go about "swinging without your, or even worse FORCE you by manipulation to go further then you are at all willing to.
DUMP this SKUNK of a man.
Then NEXT time you met a man tell him VERY little of your past, over-sharing doesn't help ANYONE. IF you need to talk to someone about what you went through find a GOOD female friend or a therapist.
The fact that he won't do counseling is the crux here, isn't it? Because without that there is NO chance of him changing. More so he doesn't THINK what he is doing is wrong.
Honey, you DESERVE so much better. NO woman deserves to be treated like this. EVER.
You shouldn't HAVE to accept that he is not always perfect. No one is perfect, but he is downright sick and cruel.
I hope to goodness you walk away from this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2014): I disagree with the male anonymous reader only where he says if you decline a fling you would convince your boyfriend that you are fully monogamous and he will stay with you.
You have been monogamous up to this time; and your commitment to him should have already proven that. In spite of your past.
He is shaming you to break down the power of your will. That offers him full-control. You will want to make it up to him for being a bad girl. Regain his respect. So he will make outrageous demands as "proof of your loyalty"
He'll have you participate in fling, then shame you afterwards. If you refuse, he will throw it up in your face that you are being phony. Why are you suddenly this prude? Then remind your of your past. It's okay as long as he can use you anyway he pleases.
As expected, when it comes down to whether you should stay with him; all of a sudden abuse isn't so bad. He's again Mr. Wonderful. I already know the outcome of relationships when there is an abusive boyfriend. He doesn't change, he gets worse. He's only nice after he inflicts pain.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2014): Your 3 one night stands are killing your relationship so think really hard what swinging will do to it with this guy or any in the future. He is slut-shaming you but so are you of him by making an invective that retroactive jealousy is archaic: you may believe so but fact of the matter is, for guys, it isn't. Your guy is unable to accept the fact that you slept with other men yet he wants to share you with others in a swing: this says that he hasn't made up his mind whether to just use you for his sexual fantasies or to consider you a serious selection which he is having hard time because of your 3 ONS. I think if you agree to swinging your long term chance with him is zero although short term he will enjoy you. If you decline swinging and cling to strict, exclusive monogamy along with outlining clearly your future vision with him could be you may end up convincing him to be with you.
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A
female
reader, WhatMatters +, writes (24 June 2014):
WhatMatters is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks all so much for the responses. Your objectivity and time are much appreciated! AGREED. Future relationships I'll insist upon nothing but STI screen and bare bones outline. Just find it hard to not answer (indicating "guilt") or lie to a direct question and obviously no one expects the Spanish inquisition. I've never before identified that that might be the cause of his insecurity as obviously he doesn't have a small cock but I guess he's got a distorted view...These are a collection of the very worst parts, as i said the trouble is we do have everything in common, get along like we get along with no one else and when he's not flipping out which is 90% of the time. We are usually happy. We keep accidentally buying each other the same presents for anniversary/v Day, it's insane how similar we are and can talk about absolutely anything now...Agreed he needs counselling. He won't go as it'll get on his medical record.Thanks again. Will think on it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2014): OOPS! I hit the "add your answer" bar by accident! Sorry!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2014): This is a life-lesson for you. I'm going to first lecture you on how much, is too much information. TMI is kerosine.
You throw it on your partner, and hope they never light a match.
It's always a good idea for a couple who are forming a long-term committed relationship to get a full-battery of testing for possible STD's and HIV. I've done it! I will always do it. That is because I practice what I preach. I recommend it to my friends entering newly committed-relationships. Straight or gay!
Your partner only needs to know that you are safe, and will not risk his health. You need to know that you are safe; if neither of you are virgins, and plan to have a monogamous relationship. Sharing your history is important to build trust. You select only those palatable things logical and sensible minds can handle. Use selective memory, forgetting your miserable mistakes. They're history, file them under "forgotten!"
Knowing HIV status through testing; allows you to make informed decisions about how to proceed with your sex-life. You know his status, and he knows yours. This is the only time you should be forthcoming about your previous sex-life. If at any given time, you know you had unprotected-sex; but were never previously tested.
NO ONE has to know every graphic detail of your past sexual history. Unless you are writing your sexual-autobiography to be published; or you are a subject in a sex-research project. You may offer tantalizing little tidbits; but make it sound like it happened a minimum of 5-10 years ago, accept if you were 10 at the time.
Don't try to sell me the bullsh*t that it's being honest and open. Look what it got you! Most women say "it's being honest;" because they are insecure, and want to know if their boyfriends are carrying a flame for some ex that might show-up out of nowhere. "So, tell me all about your past, I can handle it."
Personally, all I need to know is that you won't give me anything I can't give back; or pass on to someone else, if things don't workout between us.
Truth is, 99.999% of people can't take the details of how much fun you had before you slept with them. They'll feel jealous, or wonder how they measure-up. The other small 1% left, have such a sordid-past they're not pointing any fingers; and pray they never have to take a lie-detector test. Let alone one for HIV! They will ask you no questions; and will tell you no lies! Unless you press them for the details! I mean under torture. Needles in the eyeballs, or splinters under their nails kind of torture.
Over-sharing is not smart. Admitting if you're a virgin is only necessary, if your hymen is still intact. Guys can't prove they're virgins; unless they don't know where to put it. If you're asking too many questions about someone's sexual-past, that is because you're are insecure and afraid you'll be inadequate in comparison to their other partners. Guys with small penises are the worst. They top the list with sexual-insecurity. Above women who don't compare to porn actresses.
If wee-willy-wanker is too broke to buy an expensive sports car, or a big truck to compensate for his wee-willy; you're mincemeat, if you tell them you had "one" penis bigger than theirs. You'll never hear the end of it. If your boyfriend was secure with his manhood, none of this would have ever happened.
His stance on sexual-equality was a load of crap! He set you up to see if you'd spill your guts. You did, like a sucker! I'm on your side. I'd punch him out, if I could! Instead, I will tell you exactly what you've got on your hands. An abuser! A bully! A wiener! A micro-willie! Since he likes name-calling! Please don't use these on him. I fear for your safety. I'm making a point here.
Once you shared your past mistakes; your absolutely perfect Mr. Wonderful turned into an instant A-Hole.
That went on for six months!!!! Only minor breaks in-between, when he ran out of material to make you feel like a slut; or he probably had too many other things on his mind to obsess on your past sex-life. He was exhausted.
It is all of the above! Retroactive jealousy and abuse!
He is a total dick and he had six months to get his act together. He failed the "will I ever get-over my girlfriend's sexual-history test." He got an "F" for
f*cked-up; and you suffered unfairly for it.
You cared enough to be totally, if not brutally, honest. I'm not quite sure why you kept going on and on. He was making you punish yourself through humiliation. Shaming you by making you say it out loud. Then degrading you for it.
That was psychological-torture. Now you're trying to write it off like he has some kind of birth-defect.
HE MENTALLY TORTURED AND ABUSED YOU; AND HE KNEW EXACTLY WHAT HE WAS DOING. HE WAS JUDGING YOU AND PUTTING YOU DOWN BECAUSE HE IS A JERK!!!! HE PLACED YOU ON TRIAL AND CONVICTED YOU OF SEXUAL-MISCONDUCT!!!
He is not a feminist in any sense of the word. He is an insecure misogynist knuckle-dragging bullying-idiot, who hurt his girlfriend for being too honest. You decided to give your full confession for your sins. Next time, may I suggest that you try a priest, or your cat!
When a man calls you names, forces you to say things that he knows are painful for you to recall and say aloud, when he over and over implies OR SAYS you're a slut...THAT IS ABUSE!!!
He obviously can't handle it. Kick his stupid-ass to the curb; and let him stew in his retroactive jealous-stupor!
Everything he ever did nice for you was erased when he hurt you. Stop lying to yourself about it. Don't rationalize for his poor treatment. It was wrong, and you're wrong for staying with him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2014): This is a life-lesson for you. I'm going to first lecture you on how much is too much information. TMI is kerosine.
You throw it on your partner, and hope they never light a match.
It's always a good idea for a couple who are forming a long-term committed relationship to get a full-battery of testing for possible STD's and HIV. I've done it! That is because I practice what I preach.
Your partner only needs to know that you are safe, and will not risk their health. You need to know that you are safe. If neither of you are virgins and plan to have a monogamous relationship. You can make informed decisions about how to proceed with your sex-life; because you know his status and he knows yours. This is the only time you should be forthcoming about your previous sex-life. If at any given time, you know you had unprotected-sex.
NO ONE has to know every graphic detail of your past sexual history. Unless you are writing your sexual-autobiography to be published; or you are a subject in a research project.
Don't try to sell me the bullsh*t that it's being honest and open. Look what it got you! Most women say "it's being honest;" because they are insecure, and want to know if their boyfriends are carrying a flame for some ex that might show-up out of nowhere. "So, tell me all about your past, I can handle it."
Truth is, 99.999% of people can't. The small 1% left, have such a sordid past they're not pointing any fingers; and pray they never have to take a lie-detector test. Let alone one for HIV!
Over-sharing is not smart. Admitting if you a virgin is only necessary if your hymen is still intact, and guys can't prove they're virgins; unless they don't know where to put it.
Once you shared your information, your absolutely perfect Mr. Wonderful turned into an instant A-Hole. That went on for six months!!!! Only minor breaks in-between, when he ran out of material to make you feel like a slut; or he probably had too many other things on his mind to obsess on your past sex-life.
It is all of the above. retroactive jealousy and abuse.
He is a total dick and he had six months to get his act together. He failed the "will I ever get-over my girlfriend's sexual-history test." He got an "F" for
f*cked-up, and you suffered unfairly for it. You cared enough to be totally, if not brutally, honest. I'm not quite sure why you kept going on and on. He was making you pushing yourself through humiliation and by shaming you.
That was psychological-torture. Now you're trying to write it off like he has some kind of birth-defect.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (24 June 2014):
 I agree with Mark1978. This guy has retroactive jealousy, is emotionally and verbally abusing you, and he's gone obsessive about the whole thing. I wouldn't have answered his questions and refused to give him every detail of that which was none of his business.
He couldn't handle the information, and he's being a complete drama queen about it, equating a ONS to genocide?! Please. I would have laughed at anyone who said that to me, to be honest. He knows his line of thinking is in the wrong, but has there been too much damage?
Him answering an internet quiz isn't enough. He needs professional counseling, or this will come up over and over again. He wasn't a virgin when he met you either, and you never lied to him.
I would break up with him, as he can't handle it. He needs to deal with it, or you two are incompatible. It's more horrible what he's doing to you than any ONS, with him shaming you and degrading you and withholding affection from you. THAT is a horrible thing.
Now, you need to stop feeling guilty, stop talking to him about the details, and you need to stand up for yourself. You feel guilty and you shouldn't. It was your life, and you weren't cheating on anyone or breaking the law in any way. Your life is your life, and he doesn't get to boss you around. He *is* controlling.
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A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (23 June 2014):
I would get out of this relationship with immediate effect! You don't deserve such treatment and some of the hoops you have had to jump through are crazy!
He is not a nice man, he is abusive, controlling and treats you in a way which is disgusting. Trouble is, you have spent far too long trying to prove yourself, trying to solve his issues, that you have lost sight of reality.
You shouldn't be questioning this, but sadly you are because his actions have become so normalised that you are wondering if its right or not. It isn't. Option C is the one to go for but I suspect you will stay with him (option A) because you feel you have put so much into this you don't want to waste that effort and because you love him. I hope I am wrong!
Why are you two together?? You don't get on, don't have any common ground, don't feel happy....whats the point of this?!
Mark
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