A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:A few weeks ago me and my boyfriend of 5 months broke up, this was the 2nd time and both times I have ended the relationship. The times I ended it was because I felt he was being far too selfish and also trying to push my buttons to evoke an argument, which didn't happen I just blew a fuse and ended it. We are now back together and seemed to be getting on fine, the feelings are still there and we are enjoying our time together. We had talked previously of getting engaged as we both want a longterm relationship. We had even picked out a ring and my boyfriend put down a 50% deposit. I did go and try it on at the weekend just to make sure it fitted ok.Over the last week I have felt my boyfriend change towards me, he seems more distant and has become very stubborn. If he has plans he won't budge for nobody. I expressed my feelings that I wasn't sure he would really take care of me if I needed him, as when I was ill and having a really bad down day and just needed him to come and give me a hug, he refused and went to the gym. I don't think that was the action of a guy so in love as he says.I have decided to not see him this week as I am too busy and we have spent the weekend together and are due to spend the following one together too and he was strangely fine with that one. I do find that strange because when I wanted to spend a saturday night on my own catching up with my recorded programmes and just having some me time, he completely flipped out and was a miserable git and spend the whole day trying to make me feel bad. He even suggested he keep me company while I watched tv. I never moan when he has plans, I spent the first part of our relationship a football widow, whilst he played or watched football.I have found we have broken up just before a bank holiday which has resulted in him going out with the lads. We have another one coming up and I can feel he is trying to push my buttons and cause an argument.I am wondering if my boyfriend is distancing himself for a reason, is he wanting to break up, will he try to evoke another argument? We are both in our 40s, I have been married and have teenage children and he has no children and never been married but engaged twice. His longest relationship was 12 years with a girl 10 years younger back in his late 20s.I do feel he doesn't want to let go of his single life and is afraid to grow up but constantly tells me he wants a longterm relationship and wants to be married and living together within the next 5 years. I do feel when we do talk about commitments, he has some reason or other to make me think it is not actually what he wants and he is just stringing me along. We do have a great sex life but lately I feel that is all he is interested in. We almost always have sex when we see each other and he cannot keep his hands off me. And most times we talk he turns it sexual. Is it just all about the sex?????
View related questions:
broke up, engaged, sex life Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (28 May 2012):
 If the relationship means so much to him, you'd think he'd want to talk about it right now wouldn't you??
Be strong...let me know how things go...Im in your corner xx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI told him that maybe he would be better suited to a woman with less responsibilities, as not going to be drawn into hurling abuse.
He told me he doesn't want to argue, so no more text messages and we'll speak later in the week.
Who the hell does he think he is!
Looks like he wants to control this relationship, that don't sit well with me at all.
Doubt I'll be speaking later in the week, he can kiss my arse lol!
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (28 May 2012):
Oh well let him say what he likes...he can blow smoke up his own arse for the rest of his life, but you, my lovely will be off scott free without a care in the world.
If you can have a happy life alone, then you need to protect it and only give it up if a real 100% bonafide prince charming comes into your life...you know...the one with the pedigree and the references and a solid gold 'good guy' medal!!! LOL
I know those men are hard to come by, but you cannot make one out of an arsehole a couple of screws and some glue!!! :-)
I would love to be proved wrong on the commitment phobe thing but the blueprint is there...he fits the 'sadly tried and tested' criterea...and you have to just ask yourself if really you are in a wee bit of denial over the whole thing.
Women have intuition...it's a blessing to protect us from harm...and don't we just love to ignore it...at our own peril.
I saw your other posts from a few weeks back...obviously things are getting worse. It seems you have tried everything to fathom the bloke out but it just ain't working is it?
What's your next move?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI spent four years on my own, so another few won't really matter. I don't need to be in a relationship to enjoy a happy fulfilled life.
Just a little sad that he won't work and I will get abuse hurled at me per the last time. Awful girlfriend, ah poor dumped boyfriend.
I think he knows he won't stay with me but is too scared to throw the towel in. He most definitely doesn't like being on his own.
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (28 May 2012):
Yup yup and we all know words are cheap!!
Do you seriously want to stay engaged to this bloke?? You know he isn't capable of changing...if he could change, he would have done so already!!
What are you hoping to happen in the near future??? Do you think you can learn to live with his behaviour?...his selfishness?...his moodiness??
Clearly a split or ultimatum has failed in the past...so what have you got left? You already took him back once...and he's still behaving badly.
How many more goes at it are you going to have?...or is it time to call it a day and move on?
Is all the aggrevation worth putting up with just to avoid being on your own?...and are you, by sticking to the death with him, preventing yourself from meeting someone better??
Tell me.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI do think you are spot on with the commitment phobe, as the week after we went and choose my ring he had a major wobble and I think this is what is happening now.
Why even bother going to look at a ring if you ain't going to follow through lol!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI tried the chat the first time we broke up and he seemed like he agreed, things did change for a while and then back to normal again.
Yes sometimes he does nice things but I normally get them thrown in my face when I say I'm not too happy about something.
The last time I asked for a night to myself was when he had been invited out with his sister, so I knew he would have something else to do. I spent a day with a very moody man, who only smiled when I agreed to go out with him. Which meant no me time.
Yes he is very selfish and I have started to feel when I do need him, he is not there, in fact I haven't heard from him all day, which by our standards is a long time.
He comes out with all the love you, you're beautiful, etc but his actions are matching up.
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (28 May 2012):
Five months and two break ups, a proportion spent as a footy widow. He doesn't respect the fact that you need time on your own and he starts arguments just so he can go out with his mates?...
You didn't mention any of the good bits!!!
I think he is being selfish and messing you around. You are most definitely entitled to time alone.
It also seems very soon to be engaged...you need to smooth out some of the other problems he has before deciding to spend the rest of your life with him and looking at his history, he could be a commitment phobe who just loves the thrill of being in love but starts to get twitchy and play up as the engagement/marriage gets closer!!
(I could be wrong here but just making a big picture with the info you have provided)
The sex things ok but do you really want it to be about sex all the time?? There are other things required to make you feel wanted safe and secure...like talking, supporting you through difficult times and sharing chores and tasks...Is this happening?
I am not sure how you can procede, you have a lot of grievances and annoyances with him and he does seem very very selfish. Maybe form a plan of action and sit him down for a chat (not a lecture...don't men love that...not).
Tell him what you want and tell him why.
'I need some time to myself...to catch up on Corrie'
'I need you to not be so sexual all the time...cos it makes me feel like that's all you care about'
That kind of thing. Sometimes you just have to spell it out to get a compromise going. Neither of you can have it all your own way but seems he is taking the lion's share...
Have a chat...see what happens.
...............................
|
