A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend of almost 5 years, has caused me a lot of heartache. I love him dearly, but I am very attached to him. We are both in our 30's and much too old to be dealing with these issues. But overall, 3 years ago I found out everything about him was a lie. He lied about everything from marital status, employment history, where he was when, visited his wife, which I thought he was divorced from, and I never knew it. I questioned why he never saw his kids, but he was seeing them, behind my back because we didn't know about eachother. according to him, one lie led to another, etc and the snowball effect occurred. He painted a picture of someone he was not. He said he didn't want to lose me but he was too afraid to tell me the truth. We split, he divorced and came back promising a new self. I gave him another chance. Since then, lies about the past have trickled out, one by one, and when they do, its like bringing it back again. He confesses something or I put something together and its like damage is done again. Is there anyway to actually heal from this or am I fighting a loosing battle? Then on top of this, I have realized he has an alcohol problem. he drinks a lot and for the wrong reasons, and occasionally he gets reckless when drinking like doing donuts in the road, brought home 2 strangers once, and then hit someone for no reason at a bar. so now this has come to light. any advice?
View related questions:
divorce Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHow do I get through this? I am very attached to him. I have spent every spare moment with him for so long, to imagine not spending my time talking to him or with him creates enormous fear and anxiety. I need a patch for this withdrawal I am about to go through. You are right. he is a very damaged person and I can not fix it, I don't have the energy anymore. I have other people and things that need my energy. I need advice on how to cope and not break and stay in it or go back into it. I have no tools for this part, other than crying, screaming, anxiety and panic.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2011): Amen to everything you said.
All he does is make excuses for himself, but the worst part is he makes you make excuses for him too. Please make the choice to leave him and do it.
Otherwise, he will rub off on you in a really bad way. He is a seriously damaged person. Stay safe and good luck.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2011): This loser will always have an excuse for everything he does! Remove yourself from the situation and worry about yourself. As long as you worry about him, you don't have to face your own issues, one of which is, what are you doing with an abuser like him?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI do look at him sometimes and wonder if he is the devil. Who can lie so much? I have made excuses after excuses for him. Why he can't admit the truth,because he was taught to manipulate and lie from his family. why he doesn't see his kids, because the battle with his ex would be alot for him take on right now. why he doesn't pay childsupport, because he has had trouble keeping a job. why he doesn't have a good relationship with his parents, because they judge him too harshly. why he can't keep a stable job, because the economy is bad. why he owes the IRS, because he needed the money so he didn't wait to file all his returns. why his truck is in repo status, because he had trouble with a job. See I keep making excuses for him. I do see people have a streak of bad luck, but its ridiculous. I think I have wanted to help him. Change him. Thought I could. I am realizing I can't and I am only gonna go down with the devil.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 February 2011):
 Oh...I had not seen the update. Which leaves no possible doubt. I know unluckily many women have self esteem issues (including yours sincerely ) which at times keep them stuck in bad relationships... but , to the point of risking their life ??. Heck no ! Say it loud : HECK NO.
This guy threw you into a wall and made you bang your head ! You have been lucky- he could have broken your neck . He could have paralized you. What are you waiting for ? To celebrate Valentine's Day from your hospital bed ??
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (10 February 2011):
Advice ? Put your head under the cold water tap, then shake vigorously and see if this helps you come back to your senses.
He tells you he is divorced and you only find out after 2 years that's a lie... and you still bother with him ??
Ok, all's well what ends well, he did divorce eventually.
Too bad it comes out he is an alcoholic, and an irresponsible driver who could endanger your own life too,...and a violent brawler who hits people for no reason.
And... your question would be ?...If you still should be in a relationship with this guy ?....
Uhm. I have a couple of questions for you :
why do you want to harm yourself ? Why don't you feel you deserve much better than this ?
...............................
A
female
reader, 40yearsyoung +, writes (10 February 2011):
Dear 30-40I am a married woman in a miserable relationship myself, but unlike yours, time has gone by for too long to be able to make a simple decision.The man I got hooked up with said very conflicting things about love, love me and love me not kind of things that he said and did. But I stayed. I now have three children and spent 12 years with him already... what do I get out of it?!?! ...You won't be able to guess it...we fight almost every other day... he still say conflicting things about whether or not he loves me..but he won't break up with me... so we continue in limbo.I feel like a passenger on the Titanic, only this ship takes forever to sink. In reading your question, I admire how patient and loyal you are to relationships, and I think he knows that. This may be a disadvantage to you. The more forgiving you show, the more he sees that he has room to take things to more extreme.After fighting this battle for so long I realize one thing, marriage status (dating, married, live-in) does not matter, what matters is that we all look for the same things in relationship, love, support, honesty, reliability etc. But a one good thing about dating is that you have more flexibility in deciding what to do...there is no children, inlaws, families to deal with in case you decide to break up.And as far as you described,he fails to give you none of these major needs. There is no love for you in this relationship. Remember how Romeo and Juliet took their lives without a doubt. It is fictional, but this story won many of our hearts, because that is how we all view love.If it hurts you too much to consider a real break up, let's call it 'just getting some space' for you both to reconsider the relationship.You really need to take a time out to think through this. You have lots of hopes for this relationship but 'things' never stop surprise you. Stop being inactive and let things just keep on happening to you, instead, make things happen.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLast weekend woke up something in me. my mind has been going overtime. we went to a bar and he drank liquor. He ended the night by getting out of control and ended up hitting an innocent man standing there for no reason. I tried to control him and couldn't. I tried to grab him to stop him and he literally ripped me from him and threw me into the wall. My head hit the wall pretty hard, but what really bothered me was 2 days later my neck was killing me from the force and how my neck bent. laying there with a heating pad on my neck 2 days later and unable to turn my neck side to side really ticks me off. He looked at me with such hatred. He said really mean, nasty things. He blames it on the alcohol and states he doesn't remember a thing, but I am still unable to forgive this. He is paranoid that the guy is going to take a warrant out for him. he promises to never drink again and go to recovery group. but it just doesn't seem like enough.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2011): Is this what you want for yourself? It's not worth it.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2011): You have been too generous to this man. He treats you like a half-person because that's the only way he can think of himself.
If you stay with him, you will make yourself needlessly miserable keeping up with who he would like to be and who he infact is. I do think you need to leave him.
I suspect you stay with him and gave him a second chance because he's the devil you know, not because of real affection for him. If you love him at all, leave him and tell him why you're leaving him so he can figure out how to become a decent human being on his own. You deserve so much better.
Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (10 February 2011):
 Wow, I think you're dating one of my ex-boyfriends! A compulsive liar. I think you are fighting a losing battle and I say this from experience. Some people cannot be fixed with more love. They just drag you down emotionally and mentally. At one point, I actually considered taking my own life. It makes you just that crazy! Because you are attached to him; drawn to him; love him like crazy it's hard to see the pattern of your own demise; it's hard to get out. What saved me was when he started attended school in a nearby city. It gave me enough space to clear my head and that's when I realized I no longer recognized who I was because I was so wrapped up in helping him; fixing him; standing by him I was being swallowed alive. I think this guy is a compulsive liar. Lies like that don't just happen accidentally. He is very wreckless and even though he may cry and say he loves you, he has no concept of the word. I hope you will find the strength to save yourself by getting out. It'll be the hardest thin you'll ever do, but the most rewarding.
...............................
|
