A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:To all the guys out there how much sexual history would you be able to deal with about your significant other. Does it matter? What are some reasonable numbers? What numbers would make you least attracted to them?
View related questions:
sexual past Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2011): Numbers don't matter if the relationship is sound.Large numbers, means lots of short term partners, and that is a problem because people who have relationship problems can have large numbers quite easily as they can't establish or maintain a relationship.Large numbers almost always mean a high probability of infidelity as well, and relationships with others who are "in relationships" just because of the numbers and means that the person has sex with people who they don't know well and don't care what their status is when they get involved...which means a low respect for relationships.But, someone who has slept around a lot, but sought out help and counseling can be a very different person afterward than the one who was sleeping around a lot.What are large numbers...well, all relative, but MEDIAN numbers are probably around ?7 (women report lower numbers and men report higher numbers and some statisticians believe that both sides are lying and exaggerating but in opposite directions).
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2011): I generally only consider it TMI if she gets into things that make me feel inadequate. So, if she had mind blowing sex with a guy before me, or he had a huge schlong, or something else that was extreme, intense or gave her the ride of a lifetime, that might bother me. Guys never want to think they aren't the best or at least great...at least in some way. I'm fine with her ex who might have been well hung if I give her more orgasms, for example. So, staying away from info that may lead to inadequacies is good. But never lie if asked. if a guy finds out months or years down the road that you preferred some other guy or you had a threesome or something that you didn't divulge when asked, that really creates problems.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2011): The more previous partners you have, the lower your chances of keeping a marriage together for more than 5 years. The data to back up this fact is overwhelmingly consistent and thorough. This simple correlation is not a popular subject with many people, but it's true just the same.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2011): I think that your question is too abstract for a particular number... I think that it's much more a 'quality over quantity' issue.
For my situation...... My current girlfriend has been my first and only lover, and yet she's been with over a dozen guys and a couple of girls to boot. For me personally, it's not the number that is distracting, but rather how my life (more specifically for this discussion, my sex-life) fits into her overall historical context. We slept together on our second date (with her being the complete initiator) and the next morning she literally got on a plane and flew to the other side of the country, with no real expectation of seeing me again, and I had to take 10 days out of my life to take a chance and fly out to see if there was actually anything between us. Over a year later we now live together, and despite the fact that I lost my virginity in one of her "wham-bam-thankyou-ma'am" sessions, our life together is amazing.
It's difficult to articulate people's (particularly, as it seems on this site- men's) anxiety when it comes to their loved one's sexual past. I think that there's an assumption that people's past promiscuity is a reflection of a value set that is set in stone for life, but I think that it's FAR more nuanced than that. I used to shop-lift all the time when I was in Junior High, but now I'll correct a cashier's change if he/she gives me too much money back. I used to envision myself travelling the world at least 3 months out of the year, but now making vehicle payments and RRSP contributions.
People DO change; their values of what is important change, and to expect someone to somehow have magically predicted when they were 21 that the hilarious Dreamy McHandsome at the party was not worth getting to know a little better because when they were 31 they wanted to provide their partner with a fairy-tale sexual purity is crazy. If they are still searching for Mr. McHandsome, then sure, drop them like a hot potato and move on, but if they see you for the human being that you are and they are in love with that, then cherish every moment and don't dwell on extrapolated hypotheticals that you alone are conjuring up.
...............................
A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (10 February 2011):
 It's more than just a number, the way Illithid said (great name, by the way). I would also look at how they treated past relationships, and at the kind of men they chose to be with.
For instance, if a girl has a had sex exclusively within a few long term relationships, and at most had a couple of one-night stands/flings, I could accept that. If she has a history of sleeping with assholes, thugs, or man-whores, then I want nothing to do with her. She has to have consistently demanded and received respect from every man she's been with. Same if she's cheated on anyone, or gone back to someone who has cheated on her - I'm not dealing with either.
For another thing, if she was on decent terms with her exes, I would prefer that to hating every one of them. Yes, it's easier to deal with her past if she has no contact with her exes, but I'll never understand why guys would want a girl with a consistent pattern of not being on speaking terms with past lovers. Ideally, she can at least be able to have a civil conversation with them, even if she doesn't hang out with them ever.
But the number matters, too. The more a person (guy or girl) sleeps around, the more likely they are to eventually cheat or, if married, file divorce. Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior.
For all the people saying "forget the past" or "if you really love someone," I get that most of you are trying to be compassionate, but there's a reason for the 50% divorce rate, and a reason so many people cheat. There is a strong correlation (which I believe is at least partially a causal relationsip) between a higher number of previous partners and an increased likelihood of cheating/divorcing (again, for both men and women). It's important to be very selective when choosing to invest the time and energy of a relationship in a person.
There is some amount of risk I'm willing to take for the right person. No one's perfect (and that is in no way meant to imply that perfection = virginity), there are strengths and flaws in every person besides just sexual history to count on. But still, it's only worth so much risk.
It's tough to pick a number given the criteria above, which are more important. The most any girl I've been with has ever admitted to was 20 (I suspect it was closer to 40). I was young and stupid at the time, and she bore the emotional scars of letting guys treat her like crap. Not dealing with that again.
@ The first Anon
He gets upset for three reasons: 1) He values your chastity more than you value his, given that you date him despite his past, 2) Every living person is a hypocrite, and 3) even if he doesn't have a moral leg to stand on, a girl's past (even a short one like yours) has the potential to cause him pain, so it bothers him.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2011): I admire what Illithid said in his answer. No matter how many partners a woman has in the past or what kind of love she had experienced, a man should remain confident that she chooses him for some special reasons, especially to be her husband.The question is not what happen before you two married, but how happy is your marriage now. That's what matters. Really.But if you feel uncomfortable because she keeps mentioning about past sex, just kindly hush her off or give a look of disapproval so she knows that you dislike the content of her story. If she can't stop talking about such uncomfortable stuffs to you, perhaps she will at least lessen the frequencies of her sour-the-moment story telling habits.I've been with my husband for 12 years and I did at times tell him (not about sex) but about past relationship events. For the most parts, I did so because there a things I would like him to understand but cannot find any better way to say them besides bring up past relationships as example. But that makes him uncomfortable anyway because at this time in human history, relationship=sex implication.Psychologically, I think people unconsciously try to signal 'things' when they talk about 'exes'.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2011): I don't care to even discuss it. I am grateful for every person that she's ever slept with, who treated her right, taught her something and increased her sexual skills and confidence. They've all made her who she is, and she chooses to be with me now!
I'm more interested if a woman has cheated... ever! Once is too many times.
...............................
A
male
reader, ezikylejfw +, writes (10 February 2011):
Ok, everything you have ever fantasized about doing with someone, imagine them doing it with someone else. This is what you should be ok with, because that is what happens in a healthy relationship. Live is short, people die all the time for random reasons, and all everyone seems to care about is things noone can remedy. You can't hold that against someone. They probably didn't know you existed when they were sexing it up with some other chump. Regardless, ALL people make mistakes, or rather experience experiences. You should hold her experience in high regard, because if she had all kinds of kinky sex, she obviously likes what you have to offer. She also wants to offer everything she ever has (and more if your creative) to you. Life is short, and it is hard to find the right people to share it with.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2011): I don't understand some guys. My current boyfriend has had his fair share of sexual partners due to many drunken nights when he was younger. I have had 4, and he sometimes freaks out about it. I have no idea why. I guess he thinks because I'm a female, I'm not able to emotionally let go of the guys I've had sex with? I don't know...
...............................
A
male
reader, Illithid +, writes (10 February 2011):
 I fully acknowledge that my next girlfriend will be more experienced than I am. Likewise, my previous girlfriends have all been more experienced than I was. What matters isn't so much HOW MANY, but how she treated them. I'd rather a girl with 10 past partners than a girl with 2, but she cheated on the first to be with the second. I can't promise I wouldn't be nervous competing with that history, but if I'm the one she chooses to marry, there's gotta be SOME reason I won and they didn't. That oughta be enough.
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (10 February 2011):
 This question will have many different answers, because every guy is different and look for different things in a girl. But if am honest if a guy is wanting to settle down with you the less men you have been with the better as men tend to not like it if they are competing with someone who has had lots of sexual history. However in saying that if a guy loves a girl he should be able to bury her past and concentrate on the girl that she is when she is with him. Hope that helps a little.
...............................
|
