A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am 27 (28 next week) and I'm scared I will never have a good relationship in my life.I have had several boyfriend's throughout my life, but none of the relationships have ever been that good. I have been with my current boyfriend for 3 years, and while I do love him a lot as a person, I can't help but feel there is something missing. We get on really well, but I don't feel like he 'gets me' a lot of the time. I also feel I am not the most important person in his life, he definitely cares more about his friends and what they think rather than me. I see him twice a week at most and the rest of the time is his to go out drinking or whatever with his friends. I have been seriously thinking of ending things with him recently, but I'm scared to in case I'm expecting too much. Is this as good as it gets? I look around me and I seriously can't see any relationships I think are good, so I'm starting to think it's me that's the problem. Am I wrong wanting more?Most of my friends are always arguing with their partners, and they don't seem to get on too well at all. Nights out often end in tears. There is a lot of cheating and game playing going on too. The ones that don't argue seem to be pretty indifferent towards each other. They are always moaning about their partners, making snippy comments to them and seem to revel in getting one over on them (ie, instead of reminding him, a friend of mine let her husband forget their anniversary so she could have a go at him and make him the 'bad guy'. She punished him for weeks by giving him the silent treatment and telling everyone how awful he was, all the while she seemed to be loving the whole thing like she was 'the winner').All I want is someone I am attracted to, who is my best friend and who is on the same team as me. But I look around and that doesn't seem to exist. The best relationship I know is between my sister and her boyfriend, but even then he's very controlling and makes all the big decisions himself (most recently about what house they will buy - she wanted to keep looking but he said no) because he thinks it's his right since he makes a bit more money than her. I'm not looking for the perfect guy, I know he doesn't exist and I'm sure as hell not perfect either, it's more the type of relationship I am looking for. Does a relationship exist where the two people love and respect each other, put each other first, are supportive and helpful towards each other and their goals (rather than trying to put the other down, moaning about them and trying to get one over on them) and without unnecessary drama? Or am I expecting too much? Thanks everyone!
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (21 July 2013):
 Your friends are seriously bad role models! I understand why you are confused if you're expecting more or if this is as good as it gets, when you've got nothing "good" to look up to. None of your friends sound like they are in good relationship, with all the cheating and tit for tat games. Or the indifference. I know what you mean, I've seen this indifference with couples too, ones that have been together for too long and have grown bored with one another, yet keep at it just because of habit (and probably scared to be alone).
But here you are, not happy, and you got to ask yourself this: are you with him because you want to be with him, or are you with him because you're scared to be alone? Is it really that horrible to be single? In many ways you do feel single already, only seeing him twice a week and not being his priority. But then again, that could be you thinking negatively, and seeing things in the wrong perspective. Think long and hard, has he not ever, not once, put you first and made you his priority?
Passion is good and great in a relationship, but is it just moments where the passion is missing? Is it not also sometimes there? Or is it permanently not there? Relationships do have their ups and downs.
Or, are you the one who's pulling away, while he wants to be "passionate"? Or perhaps he is the one who pulls away when you want to be passionate?
You say you want someone who is on your team. In this you're not expecting too much at all. Yes, you need to be on a team. Not enemies, not business partners, not just room-mates. You need to be a team. You need to have each others backs. But are you a team? Or are you not a team? Him hanging out with friends doesn't mean he's not on your team. Him having different opinions doesn't mean he's not on your team. Define what it means to be on your team, on your side. Do you need someone who always agrees with you? Or do you need someone who joins your side at family gatherings etc? Or do you need someone who does all the same activities you do? Or do you need someone who supports you in your goals in life, even if his goals are complete opposite? Define what it means, to you, to have someone on your team. Your needs are different from others, only you can define what it means to you. Only you can decide what YOU need.
I don't think you're expecting too much out of a relationship. But I do wonder if you're not being too critical of your own boyfriend. You haven't said much about your relationship though, so I don't know. But I think you ought to think about what you want, and then see, as objectively as you can, whether or not you already have it. Maybe you're just feeling down, the relationship is in such a period. Maybe you've got other things on your mind that make you look negatively on things. Or maybe your relationship is indeed lacking.
In my current relationship I do have everything I want and need. But I am going through a period in my life where I am depressed. My doctor said it's due to lacking in vitamins, so it's supposed to get better. I don't know, but I do know that I feel more sad than I did for example a year back. I respond differently. I'm more insecure, take things the wrong way, look at them in a negative light. When it hits me everything just feels hopeless and a waste and not good at all, and everything feels (and in my eyes are) a lot worse than I think on a good day. Just yesterday I got upset because we didn't have time to have sex before going to sleep, and I took it to mean he didn't find me attractive any longer. My logic tries to tell me that it's because he was sleepy, and I was veeeery sleepy too, and that it doesn't mean anything else. But my emotions are all over the place, telling me it means he doesn't want me, isn't attracted to me etc.
So, I just want to make sure that you're not in the same position, feeling down, and seeing things in a much more negative light than they actually are.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (21 July 2013):
You've been with your boyfriend for 3 years, and you only see each other twice a week!? You're right to be concerned about this. Of course there are better relationships out there! Plenty. This guy should have been ditched a while ago.
I think, from what you've said, that actually your standards are too low. The best relationship you've seen is a controlling mess that your sister is unfortunate to be in, and most of your relationships haven't worked out. I think what you need to do is sit down, and really think about what it is you want from a man, and want from a relationship. Really think. Then, look carefully at the sort of men you are attracted to now. Once you've done that, I think you'll see that you can do a lot better, and that you should do better.
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