A
female
age
41-50,
*elena547
writes:I met this guy 8 years ago, I was madly in love with him however, it turned out he was gay! it took me a couple of years to get over him. I have then moved on with my life and moved into a differnt province. I lost touch with him about 5 years ago. Suddenly a few months ago he managed to track me down, he went searching in the city we lived in to find my family in hopes to get a hold of me, Sure enough I got the phone call from him. I was surprised to hear from him. We spoke for a few months and he mentioned that he was no longer gay, and that all along he had feelings for me and no matter what he could never stop thinking about me, and thinks of having a future with me, kids marriage the works. I was in complete shock to say the least. I had planned already to come back to my home town to visit my family over the holidays. We were both eager to see each other. NOW HERE IS THE PROBLEM: While I was down there we had an amazing time. We get along so well like we always have. He was proud to show me off to his family and more so did those little gestures that means so much to us women such as kissing my forhead calling me beautiful, holding me in his arms like he was never going to let me go. Every womens fantasy of a perfect guy! Like in the movies. 2 nights before I was going to leave to come back home we decided to go out dancing. We both drank and we were both drunk But not drunk enough to fall over here. And he wasnt that drunk beucase he drove us home. After the club we went home and he stayed over at my brothers house with me. When we got home I started feeling really off, more drunk then I had actually been leaving the bar. I mentioned to him a couple of times I was feeling really out of it. So going on, we were just fooling around a little kissing, huging so forth he took off my jacket and it went a little further, UNTIL I couldnt feel my feet they went completly NUMB. So I told him that there was something wrong with me and that I cant do this, I could hardly speak at this point as all of a sudden my whole body went into a shock I couldnt move anything not even a FINGER. I expressed this to him, all while struggling to get my words out I started feeling really paralyzed, i asked him to stop and to get help to call someone. After that period I had completl blacked out! and at the time didnt remeber what happened, I was wired all night. Came the morning I was still awake and I felt like I was comming of off some sort of drug, when I came to realization what had happened I realized he had sex with me. I approched him and asked him if we did anything to see what hed say! he said NO WE DID NOT DO ANYTHING and that he tried but i said no and that when i asked for help he woke up my brother. My brother says he was not woken up. I then told him that I remeber what happened and that he did have sex with me. He was in complet shock that i remebered and apploligized and said that he wasnt thinking properly and shouldnt have lied: I was pissed. I went back to his house to get my things, we spoke and he again appoligized, i expressed how angry i was and how so many thoughts were going through my mind, weather or not he druged me ect. he said he would never do anything to hurt me and that the reason he lied was becusae he was afraid of this EXACT reaction and was surprised I didnt remember. He asked me to forgive him, and that everyone makes mistakes and its the first time that he lied to me. I told him that this was somethign very hard to forgive, and how do I know if he ever lied to me before, its only this time did I catch him lying, Ii told him its something serious and meaningful and i felt like i was taken advantage of. He then said " well then maybe you shouldnt be going out and getting guys drunk: what sort of impression are you giving us" he treid to make me feel like a complete monster. I stormed out of his house and the next day I took my flight. He called me 2 times before I left and once when my flight was supose to land. Since then he hasnt called.This is my question, what is it rape or not? does he truly mean hes sorry was it an honest mistake, should I call him. Should I forgive him. What ? Its killing me becuase I have feelings for him so much but at the same time feel that he lied about something pretty important and the fact i told him to stop, and he didnt. What do I think? PLEASE HELP MY MIND IS SO SCREWED UP! I dont know what to think. I feel if he cared so much about me then why hasnt he kept trying to call its been a week now and he hasnt called, should I call him? Should we talk about it, if he appoligized again should I accept it. Is it possible he wasnt really thinking clearly and perhaps thought i was just really drunk? pleazse HELP
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drunk, kissing, moved in, period Reply to this Question
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female
reader, selena547 +, writes (24 April 2010):
selena547 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would like to thank everyone who replied to my traumatic insident 2 years ago, it was defiantly a struggle to get over this hump and im still working on it, it wasnt easy but thank you to all who have helped me through this ...
A
female
reader, treeni  +, writes (26 December 2009):
Hi, I believe from what you have explained happened to you that this was definitely rape, he drugged you and raped you, you said no, he went ahead and penetrated you anyway. He was not concerned with your incapacitated state which is not good, he was only concerned with his own gratification. He is asking your forgiveness because he knows what he did was very wrong and he could potentially go to jail for what he did, its a serious crime and he is trying to make you feel bad for it. He had no right at all to do this to you without your consent, you may have feelings for him which is causing you to question whether or not it was rape but put those feelings aside now as this man is not who you thought he was, he is a sexual predator, you can not trust this man now he needs to get some counseling for his uncontrollable, criminal actions/urges. He will get himself into some serious trouble if he cant see what he is doing is wrong. As for yourself I hope you have moved on and I hope you have no negative repercussions from what happened to you. Bless you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2008): similar event happened to me last night... cant remember anything at all tho so maybe different drug was used..
i went to the doctors, got the morning after pill and then to the police to get a drug test, theyre now investigating the prick!
to be honest tho i really doubt they are going to find the guy who did it and the amount of evidence you need to support something like this is stupid so if its a while after now its gonna be hard if u want to tell the police baout it..
yeah anyway... thought id share my experience - though not a nice one!
x
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2008): Just read this. Everyone has given every possible advice I could think of (thanks everyone!). Across the board it boils down to: You were drugged and taken advantage of. As I see it, you found out more through intuition and repeated inquiry than actual memory. Good for you.
Now my two cents: Are you completely stupid?!? Take a step back and think of this whole thing like its happening to someone else. There's your answer.
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A
female
reader, xxbaybeegal  +, writes (19 January 2008):
 I so feel sorry for you, he took advantage of you and dont think about him. and yes he did kinda rape you or would have phoned for help when you blacked out. forget about him, cuz you know you cant trust him...
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A
female
reader, selena547 +, writes (8 January 2008):
selena547 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionok now this guy just called me i didnt asnwer but he left a message saying he was just calling to talk and to see how i was doing. argh im so stuck i dont know what to do or think im so confused ive never been this confused about anything
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A
female
reader, selena547 +, writes (8 January 2008):
selena547 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone! for taking the time to read my problem here! I'm so confused and I dont know why, why cant I see it as being rape? I keep thinkign what if he was telling the truth? I dont know what to consider it!. I feel so lost!
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A
male
reader, Collaroy +, writes (7 January 2008):
 Hi,
you really need to see a rape counsellor now. As soon as you can. This monster has raped you and if you are starting to believe his story remember his actions were premeditated. He carried this drug around with him waiting for his moment to put you under. This denotes a seriously twisted and cold and calculated mind.
He was hoping you wouldnt remember him raping you, now that you have he is panicking. You have to seek help, the sooner this monster gets put behind bars the better. If not for yourself then for other girls who undoubedtely he will target.
Don't fall for his attempts to manipulate you, these types are usually very skilled at talking people into getting what they want.
See counselling and tell he counsellor all about it, he needs to be put away to stop him doing this. God only knows what's going on in his head, the "I'm not gay anymore" rings alarm bells. Is he trying to deny his sexuality by raping girls now? He is a threat to society, try and be brave and get some help.
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A
male
reader, BadVoice  +, writes (7 January 2008):
Yes! You were raped! He used a date rape drug on you. I will not forgive him at all. You also need to get yourself checked out for "HIV-AIDS" for the next 9 months. I would call the police and even if they do nothing to him, at least there will be a record of what he did.
Good luck to you
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A
female
reader, selena547 +, writes (7 January 2008):
selena547 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to everyone who replied to my question. To those who asked why I did not go to the police was becuse the next day and until this day I feel that perhaps he wasn't clear as to what he was doing as well, I GUESS i want to believe that. I don't really know what to believe its hard to think he would do such a thing to me becuase ive known him for 8 years, that is what makes this whole situation complicated, I dont know if any of you can understand my confusion. He was calling me afterwards to appligize repeadidly. I guess it hurts on top of it that I have feelings for him and always had for the last 8 years, so i feel this is why its such a tug of war for me, I dont know what to think or feel. If he truly made a mistake and didn't mean it or if he meant it , I DONT KNOW.
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A
female
reader, hello1 +, writes (7 January 2008):
 Oh I need therapy because I told her too go to the police 2old4this? sorry if I sounded a bit blunt but this is online, I'm not going to step around the matter. All I'm concerned about is that he's going to do this to other women.
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A
male
reader, 2old4this +, writes (7 January 2008):
 First of all, hello1 needs to chill. When this type of thing happens to a young woman this is usually how they react. Confusion and all. And how dare you try to make her feel worse for not going straight to the police. I don't know if you been raped or not, but just because you may have reacted differently doesn't meen she's any less of a feeling person. Sounds like you may need therapy. As for the young lady, you don't need to call him or anything. The first thing you should do is talk to a rape crisis person and tell them the story. After that they can help you better.
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A
male
reader, Abacadaba +, writes (7 January 2008):
 Thought id quickly dig something up for you before i leave
http://www.4women.gov/faq/rohypnol.htm
Theres some information on other date rape drugs, after reading it its more likely to be one of those (if any) than MDMA by the sounds of your situation.
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A
male
reader, Abacadaba +, writes (7 January 2008):
Hello, i havent got much time to read the whole thing but ive recently been doing alot of research on drugs so i can help you out with the drug part. MDMA (Pure form of Extacy) is one of the common 'date rape' drugs, Now, you said you felt like you couldnt move or speak, and your body parts where going numb, this sounds similar to what affects MDMA (or a similar drug) could do to you. Drugs such as MDMA are very powerful mood altering drugs, meaning your outlook on reality can get very distorted and confusing (hence why you might not be able to move or speak, literally you forget how to do it). When taking these drugs with concent you relate these affects with the drug because you know youve taken it, so you can control it easier, where as if you dont know youve taken it, you can slip into the 'trip' without realising atall, so basicly your confused about what your doing but you dont automaticly think 'Ive been drugged' You just feel all these strong emotions and feelings and believe them to be real. You said you blacked out, date rape victims oftern have no memory of the previous night, waking up in a place they have no memory of going to. When people use drugs like MDMA there is a 'come down' where your body gets back to how it normally is, and you still feel slightly confused about things and feel depressed and its ALOT different from just a hangover. Another thing that sticks out to me is you said you felt really off when you got home? Well again using MDMA as an example, it takes anywhere from 30 minutes - 1 hour to kick in, peaking after about 2-3 hours and lasting about 6-8 hours, so if you felt worse by the time you got home its possible that the drug had just started to kick in properly. During you 'feeling off' period did you notice anything like you had a urge to drink alot and have a very dry mouth?(not meaning alcohol, but drink in general) Did you (despite having drank alot) NOT feel the urge to urinate? And at any point in the night did you feel your jaw clenching? (like gritting your teeth) Chances are your teeth/jaw would have ached the next morning if so. Now im not saying he did drug you but im just giving you some information on date rape (im not sure of the exact affects of different date rape drugs, or what different drugs are used as date rape, im just using MDMA as a possible drug because it is used for date rape) On the other hand alot of supposed date rape occurances are just down to the fact the person was too drunk and just assumed they where drugged, so dont rule that possibility out. Hope you can use some of this information to help you figure out what happened.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2008): Sounds like he slipped that date rape drug into your drink before leaving the club!
He knew what he was doing and what he wanted! If you were just drunk your feet wouldn't go numb or not be able to speak!! I would still report it to the police before he does it again to you or any one else! So what if he apologised? No doubt he would do the same next time and the time after that again!!!
Do not call him! Your first call is to the police! Why would he call you - he got what he wanted! Maybe not in the nicest possible ways but still... HE's at fault not you! Please think of yourself and of his other victims - if they had reported him it would have never happened to you....
Please be strong and report this monster! He is trying to blame you for what HE has done! Do not let him get away with it! Good luck with everything!!
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A
female
reader, hello1 +, writes (7 January 2008):
He drugged raped you! I don't know for sure if it was but it sure sounds like that! I don't understand why you didn't go straight to the police? this man raped you, drug raped you. He needs to be put in jail, don't you feel guilty about other women he might do this too? I can't believe your even thinking of forgiving him.
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