A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My parents are divorced, and my Dad moved out 3 years ago.When I was younger, my Dad touched me and looked at me in ways that I'm now slightly nervous about.For example, he'd walk into the bathroom when I was having a shower (we didn't have a lock back then) and begin brushing his teeth, but then he'd turn and watch me in the shower.When I was older and began developing, when he'd drop me off at school, when he leaned over to kiss me, I remember a few times he'd brush my chest with his hand. I don't know if this was accidental, but this has never happened to me with anyone else.One time he took me shopping for my birthday and I walked out of the changing room to see what the jeans looked like in the mirror and he patted my bum.Recently, he came by my Mum's house to borrow something and he came up to my room to see me but I was still asleep. I remember being woken up by him talking to my Mum, who was in her room. He kissed me on the neck (three pecks in quick succession) and he did this three times in all before leaving (he stayed in my room for about five minutes, talking to my Mum through the door).He's never really respected my privacy as much as I'd like, and he's also been more interested in me growing up than the rest of my family (complimenting make-up, and sometimes telling me my outfit was nice if it was low-cut or a skirt or something) and he tells me I'm beautiful a lot.I may just be being paranoid, because my brother's friend did stuff to me when I was younger, but I don't know.He's the only Dad I've got and I love him, but I don't know if this is normal behaviour.Help?
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female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (5 August 2009):
 I have worked in child protection in the past. I think any behaviour such as you describe is inappropriate (particularly given your age). It is not so much what he has done in terms of invading privacy and touching, but the very fact that he makes YOU feel uncomfortable (as most people would). I understand this puts you in a difficult position but grooming and abuse can usually be put to a stop by speaking out about it. I am not suggesting you tell your mother at this stage, but you could start by telling your father to get out when he comes in the bathroom (put a box by the door) and back away when he kisses you and say no, don't do that! By sending him a clear message that you find his behaviour inappropriate he may well stop and feel ashamed. However, if the problem escalates then tell your mother and do not find yourself in places where you are alone with him. If you break the power brought on by silence (by speaking out) then you can solve the problem.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2009): I would say that you need to 100% trust your gut instinct. We can all have a view on what boundaries are right or wrong between parents and children and I think your Dad is displaying dominance over you like a kind of 'ownership' but it has sexual connotations.... but the fact that you feel uncomfortable and can remember specific incidents is enough. You should never feel that way with your Dad and it may sound hard but you are going to have to say, next time he does something - anything at all that makes you feel bad, "Dad, I don't like you doing that please don't ever do that again." This should be enough. If he continues with these actions which make you uncomfortable you need to make it clear to another responsible adult. On no account feel isolated about this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2009): This is a normal behavior a father should do to his own daughter. Talk to your mom or your teacher in school, you also need to tell your dad not to kiss you inappropriately. You mom will have a hard time believing you (usually they are in denial), you need to speak up.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (5 August 2009):
 Kissing your neck is nuzzling or necking and it's a sexual kiss, not a Paternal one.
You are smart to question his behavior, and I'm afraid that you are right, he's really pushing the envelope. You need to tell your Mom about what has been happening and what you suspect. I don't think that you are being paranoid.
You ALSO, and I repeat STRONGLY, need to never be in a situation where you are alone with him.
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A
female
reader, Renee okc  +, writes (5 August 2009):
No it is not normal for him to do these things to you, He needs to respect the fact that you are a women and there are certain things he cannot do. You need to tell your mom that the things that he is doing is making you uncomfortable and you would like for it to stop. There is nothing wrong with him telling you, you are cute but there is a thin line because he is a male and you female. If I were you and I felt he was doing something inappropriate I would speak up and say stop I don't like this or that. See he may think he is getting away with something because your not speaking up. He is acting like you are a child and don't know the difference in right and wrong and this is wrong. It can be that you remind him of your mom when she was young and he has been living in a fantasy world for sometime since they aren't together anymore. Please talk to someone before you get in so deep and something bad happens don't ever be scared to speak your mind.
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A
female
reader, busy04 +, writes (5 August 2009):
 I agree with Rifraf: it is beyond normal. I know I wouldn't feel comfortable if my dad did those things with me. I think you should tell your dad how you feel about it. Tell him to respect your privacy and give you a little space. Of course he's your dad & you want to feel loved by him, but there's a limit. Let him know how you feel.
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