A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been seeing my boyfriend for coming up to 4 months. I am 31 so is he. I feel that I have matured a lot compared to my behaviour in previous relationships and have learned not to analyse every single thing that happens to be something bad i.e. my partner might not want me any more etc,,,,however,my boyfriend has revealed a very insecure side of himself (I admit I am insecure too)to me and I don't know how to handle this in a male coz I only thought women were like this.For instance, he got a bit tetchy with me yesterday because he came round, we went for a jog and then came home and took a shower. When I'd gotten out of the shower, I laid on my bed looking at my laptop coz it's cooler in there,,,,he went into the front room,,, he then appeared to be in a bad mood with me when I spoke to him and it turns out that he thought I was going off him because he had apparently "picked up signs" from my body language that I wasn't into him any more.Now I'll admit in the beginning I did confess to him that I had gone off people after a few weeks, and not wanted to see them again,,,,but I have also made it clear how into him I really am, but it's like as though he is looking for signs that I am not. He says he can't help but "sense" I'm having second thoughts about him,,despite the fact that I have reassured him that I think the world of him.Another thing that makes him insecure is because I have had many experiences in foreign destinations etc, and he hasn't been anywhere for years and years due to being in a relationship. He also says I like to talk a lot about intellectual things and is impressed by how intellegent and fascinated I am by Cultures, history etc, but he also admits that he feels as though he is not interesting enough for me because he doesn't know certain things,,,which is totally not true. He also worries that because I am outgoing and he is quiet, that I will eventually get bored of him if he lets himself be 100% with me and be quiet every once in a while. I try to reassure him that it is simply not true,,,,and anyways the only reason why I am really chatty with him is because I am so into him and he inspires me to talk about a wide range of subjects lolSaturday he said he felt like texting me and saying "thanks for a lovely day" but said he didn't cos he didn't want to come across as too into me!!He said that he also craves affection from me at this stage in the relationship, but sometimes doesn't come near me cos he wants me to go to him,,,,to feel wanted.Is this normal at the beginning and how can i resolve it?
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female
reader, hpoco  +, writes (27 April 2010):
 I think it sounds like he is taking his feelings for you, and translating them into insecurity, which is shame. I would give him a little time, try what the other poster said (great advice!) and maybe a few other tricks to boost his confidence, but have a limit. You can't put up with his insecurity forever, and make sure its not going to be a long-term issue. A few thins you could do would be to ask him to show you how to do something. I know it makes my husband feel good. I've taken an interest (and really learned a lot) in his hobbies, and having him show me his skills shows to him how much he knows about "things". Also, be overly affectionate/physically demonstrative for a while. Just to compensate his feelings. Grab his ass, hold his hand, snuggle, maybe a little more than you normally would, just so he knows you want to. It can't hurt! Good luck!
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 April 2010):
 That happened to me too.
There are a lot of insecure people around. Not just women.
I had the privilege of getting a good education, and of having the chance to read a lot, travel a lot, etc. But I make a point to never show off. What's there to show off anyway ? I am so lacking in so many other areas of my life. I am a terrible driver. I can't play any instrument. I am bad at sports. I am a lousy cook. The list goes on.
So I thought that my middle class upbringing and my intellectual leanings were never gonna be a problem in my relationships with guys coming from different walks of life, or simply with less life experience in terms of work or travel etc. Boy was I wrong.
I guess that deep down a guy sort of feels he just should be "better" than his woman. He inconsciously feels he should be "more" than you. If they don't feel that, they start feeling threatened by very simple ,normal things- like you spelling correctly or preferring book reading to pub crawling.
What can you do ? reassure him, but not by changing yourself. Don't feel that you have to be another person to boost his self confidence. If you are chatty,then you are chatty. If you love history,you love history.
you can reassure him by being affectionate and physically demontrative. Give him often positive feedback when he does something you like - wheter it is lovemaking,or preparing a meal. Keep him involved in your life,ask frequently is opinion about stuff in general, or decisions you are taking ( it does not mean you have got to do anything he says ! )Don't take him for granted- people like to be appreciated. Not flattered, or patronized- but if you've got something good to say about him, say it. Thank him for being so punctual or so generous or so whatever he is . and be patient, it's not much you are dating, it takes a little time to get comfortable around each other. Good luck !
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