A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi all,I am in a physical relationship with someone without any word of love ever being said. We are just good friends (with benefits!!! - tho I hate to say this). I am not happy because I am only with him because I love him but he probably doesn't know. I wish I could tell him that I love him and ask how he feels but I can't because I strongly think that he doesn't feel the same same way and I'm very much afraid of his answer. I would appreciate your advice. Thanks Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (27 April 2010):
 Hi, I remember you asked this question a couple of days ago. You received 2 answers here: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/friends-with-benefits-but-i-want-more.html
Okay, I think one of the reasons you didn't get many answers is that you really didn't give enough details to offer much help. I remember reading your question and thinking that there wasn't much to say, other than if you are unhappy with the situation, you have to communicate to the other party. The cold hard truth about FWB is that it generally fails because one of the pair starts to develop feelings, and it's usually the female. I hate to say it, but it's like a cliche. The woman falls for the guy, who was only ever in the FWB because he wanted sex.
I'm putting that link because you gave some important details there.
"all I know is I'm not cheating I don't know much about his private life"
I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be harsh here, but you are not helping yourself! You are not really 'friends' with benefits, you are more like 'acquaintances' with benefits. The question about cheating that q1605 asked wasn't about him cheating on you; the point was that this guy might be in a 'committed' relationship with an actual wife or girlfriend, and you are the bit on the side. In other words, you are the other woman, you are the one he's cheating WITH, not ON.
Unless you find out some more about him, how can you know if he is actually available for dating? The start of this thing is not good, he's already a mystery to you and you don't seem to want to find out because you are already afraid of what you'll find out.
"I guess thats another reason why I find it hard to speak to him because I don't want him to feel bad."
You don't want HIM to feel bad? He thinks you're fine with this, that there's no feelings on your part. You are essentially lying to this guy, okay? You aren't being truthful. The worst part of this is that the only one you are going to hurt is yourself. This guy is perfectly capable of taking care of himself and his feelings. You are the one who is putting herself in a vulnerable situation, and you are the one who is going to feel bad.
I venture to say that you are in love not with the real man, as you don't know that much about him, but with the ideal he represents. You know that sex releases hormones that encourage bonding.
Part of life is learning how to cope with rejection. I'll venture to say that every single one of us has been attracted to, and wanted to be with, a person who was not available, for one reason or another. It sucks, it's not nice, it makes you sad, it makes you angry that you cannot be with that person. But we learn to cope, we get through it with the help of friends and loved ones, we figure out what we loved about that person and we go on to find real love, love with someone who IS available and who will love us back. It may take a while, it may hurt for a while, but it means that we move forward in our lives.
You are wasting your precious time here. You have basically taken yourself off the market and made yourself unavailable to other guys, because you are emotionally connected to a man who doesn't return the feeling. You are spinning your wheels, and twenty years from now, you'll look back in sadness and anger at your younger self for taking such poor care of your heart and yourself. It's such a waste!
I think it's time you find your bravery inside you. Gird up your loins, screw your courage to the sticking point, find that backbone, and TELL this guy how you feel. You may not like the answer, but you will have taken back control for yourself. You will know where you stand. You can then decide what to do with dignity, from a place of knowledge, instead of this fuzzy, uncertain area of unrequited love.
Then, either you two will be together (it could happen) or you will realize that perhaps this guy isn't as wonderful as you thought he was, that you were fantasizing a bit about Mr. Right. You will be sad and unhappy for a while and then you can figure out why you put yourself in such a vulnerable position. Then you can look around you with clear eyes, and some good self-esteem, and you can set forth again into the world, ready to meet an actual man who is looking for a real, loving relationship.
Good luck in your journey.
A
female
reader, hpoco  +, writes (27 April 2010):
 He probably does know, and he has probably sent you signals to let you know he doesn't feel the same way (this is why you think the outcome won't be good). The best thing you can do is confuse him. Put distance between the two of you, make him chase you a little. If he doesn't come after you at all, while you are rejecting his advances, then move on, and stop torturing yourself with this half-relationship. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (27 April 2010):
If he doesn't love you, you need to move on now before you get really hurt. At some point, he will move on to someone who he will love, and you will be left nursing a very broken heart. I think it's worth talking to him to see how he feels, but if he doesn't feel the same way, you need to move on.
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