A
female
age
51-59,
*atti
writes:I have been dating Mr. K for 7 months now and he is pretty great, however, I have some concerns. When I met him, he is was transitioning from California back to Chicago and he was being reinstated with his old job with the police department. So I paid for most of our dates or we just did things at my house bcoz I have the ultimate entertainment house. He is a gentleman, funny, extremly attractive and very helpful to me. I have met his family and we just love having get togethers and family events. He told me that he was married once before, but I found out that he has been married 3 times! When I asked him why did he lie, he said he was embarrassed. He did go back to work and I've noticed that he's not as generous with his money as I was with mine. He actually quite cheap. A few other lies have surfaced about stupid things...not even worth lying about and I find myself having to play inspector gadget to get the truth from him. I know that nobody's perfect and I'm trying not to read into everything, but I find myself feeling insecure and questioning his motives and intentions. I am divorced and I have had situations in my past when I was insecure rightfully so and other times when it was plain old insecurity. Because he has been dishonest with me, I'm having a problem trusting him even though is so good to my family and he does adore me. Is this insecurity or intuition?
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cheap, divorce, insecure, money Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2012): You have pointed out some things he has done that are of concern.... but not necessarily deal-breakers. He has also done some things that have contributed to you loosing trust in him. To salvage that lose of trust, I suggest you tell him how it has made you feel and work out ways for HIM to REBUILD that trust. If he doesn't take rebuilding that trust seriously, then you can consider that a Red Flag.
However, the part about your intuition telling you some things are not quite right... is a wonderful protective gift we have as woman. I would suggest to you that it is most likely that your intuition is right, and it is warning you. However, it is also POSSIBLE that it is just insecure feelings based on history. Either way, whether it is intuition OR Insecurity, it can manifest in your mind and drive you crazy if you let it. SO, I suggest you make a call on it sooner rather than later. Decide either A: It is your intuition, you will trust it and end the relationship, even if you never really know why you do. or B: It is your insecurity, you will work on rebuilding the trust with this man, and you will stop worrying and enjoy all the wonderful things that relationship has to offer.
I spent THREE years trying to work out if I was insecure or intuitive....it ended up draining the life out of me and driving me crazy as I tried to find out the truth. It ended up that my intuition was right.
I would be interested to know how it goes for you?
all the best.
A
male
reader, dougbcoll +, writes (29 January 2012):
 (i was embarrassed about my past& didn't want to scare you off ) from my point of view , no. like my wife & me when i dated her years ago , i made sure she knew my past . i made sure she was comfortable with me, and letting her know i had nothing to hide . i wanted her to know i was being honest in our relationship. with a lie the truth sooner or later comes out, with a lie it has to be covered with another lie. honesty is opening your heart and letting the other person in.
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A
female
reader, Latti +, writes (29 January 2012):
Latti is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDougbcol....from a man's perspective, do u buy the "I was embarrassed about my past & didn't want to scare u off so that's why I lied...story?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2012): It's only been seven months and already you're having trouble trusting him (and I think you have pretty good reasons for that). His 'cheapness' is also already beginning to get to you and he's not going to change, some people are just very tight with money so I can only see that problem getting worse.
Personally I think this is your intuition telling you that while he may be an ok guy, it's not going to work out long term between the two of you.
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A
male
reader, dougbcoll +, writes (28 January 2012):
i would say it is more intuition , and caution. once someone lies to you it is hard to know what is truth, and what is lie coming from them. and that is understandable. he is tight on his money, but likes to spend yours.that makes you feel like your being taken advantage of your kindness. you may need to back off with your heart and watch his character . see if he is going to lie about other things, how honest he is.
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