A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Bit of a long story so please bare with me. Met my girlfriend at work 5 years ago, she was an Assistant Manager of 21, I was a 38 year old employee. Despite the age difference we hit it off straight away and started dating almost immediately. During the first few months we learned about each other and our pasts. She revealed to me, which she had never told anyone else before, not even her friends or parents, of how she was raped at 16, in her own bedroom, by a guy she knew who was 10 years older than her. It messed her up so much that she ended up dating her close female friend for the next 3 years after that. They split up as she was going to University. At Uni she found herself and regained some of her confidence, but never dealt with the rape, only pushed it to the back of her mind.While at Uni she had several short relationships with guys, but they always eneded when she refused them sex. She had a one night stand with a female Uni friend and sex wasn’t an issue with this friend so they slept together.After leaving Uni she moved back home into her old bedroom. But it had been redecorated and she said it didn’t remind her of what happened there. Then she got a job a local store, and I got another job there soon after. She was already dating someone for about 6 months but left him to date me.Everyone knew about us and she didn’t care. We had sex everywhere and anywhere. We were so happy together and couldn’t get enough of each other. Then I was accused of theft and she ended it right away. Even though I was eventually cleared, the damage had been done. She no longer saw me as the person I was. She told me she had emotionally detached herself from me during our 3 month split. Even during that time we saw each other and still had sex, but it wasn’t the same, there was no passion or feeling from her. She eventually agreed to get back together, but because that was the only way I was staying in her life, and she wanted me so desperately to stay in her life. Her condition was that no one, not her friends, not her family would know about us. I agreed because I figured once we were up and running again, she would change her mind. She never did.From then on it slowly went downhill because she didn’t really want a loving sexual relationship with me and pushed me away for the first 2 years. But i stuck it out because i loved her and she was worth it. There was no love, affection and very little sex from her for the 3 years we were back together. Yet I showed her all the love and affection I could, but it was shunned.As I said it went downhill and last week we had a talk and I asked if she wanted to end it. She jumped at the chance. That was heartbreaking enough, but what I found out a few days ago just added to my pain. One of her friends had heard it mentioned that me and my girlfriend had split up. This was news to her as she never knew we were together. When she confronted my girlfriend, my girlfriend said that we had never been together for the last 5 years, that I was making it up and it was all in my head. She apparently then freaked out in front of her mate because she insisted I was lying. Without her knowing that I knew, we went for a walk. I chose a very public place so she wouldn’t feel threatened. We chatted for about half an hour about us, then into the conversation I pulled out a copy of the email and showed her. She was totally shocked, didn’t know what to say, then just kept saying how sorry she was. I kept my calm, calmed her down, then we got in the car and drove. I then gave her 2 choices. We could either go to her house where she lives with her parents, where she would go inside, get my flat keys and hand them to me, then I would leave and never ever see her again and be out of her life. The second option was, we go to her home, she starts to deal with this now and I will help her through it as a friend, we would in no way have a sexual relationship, and she would the first step by telling her parents what has happened so she can get the help she needs. I would be there to help her if she wanted but not in her face. She went in, got the keys and handed them too me, so I left.All the way thorugh these last few years, even on the day we broke up, she has maintained she loved me. She said it lots of times, but was unable to show it ever.But, she is really a good person at heart who has had a bad thing happen to her and never dealt with it. Despite everything, I really want to help her through whatever she is going through, but only I know about it. And who would believe me if I told them. She desperately needs help, from someone.A lot of issues here I know, but please I can’t just leave her like this to go through it alone all over again. What can I do for her?
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2012): You sound like a really decent guy, and I want to say to you that I'm sorry for the painful relationship you've been going through, and also for being accused of theft. Being falsely accused of something is more traumatising than a lot of people think. You have been very supportive to this girl for the last five years, but now it's time for you to take a step back. She needs professional help. Her behaviour shows that she finds relationships difficult, and this is most likely a consequence of what happened to her. It wasn't her fault, and it's horrible, but she needs to deal with it now. She needs to take responsibility for her own happiness and mental health. She has to want to get better. You've done what you can for now. You've made it clear to her that you would like to be there for her and support her but you can't force anything on her. I know it's really hard but if she doesn't want your help, you have to let go. Why don't you write to her one last time, and tell her that if she changes her mind, you will be there for her and help her in any way she can. She shouldn't have to tell her parents if it's too traumatic, but seeing a counsellor could really help her. I wish you the best of luck and hope that she can find peace with herself.
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