A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been married now for a year and things have gone from bad to worse. Its started with me crying on my wedding day when he stood by and watched as his aunt shouted at me. We havent had a honeymoon and there is always an excuse not to go on holiday unless its with his friends. He used to complain about me calling him at work, so that has stopped, me being affectionate with him was a problem so that stopped, he said I was pressuring him to go out, so now i spend my weekends on my own. I'm a very capable, professional woman but he states that i'm like a child and need to be treated accordingly. He is always late and never able to keep promises that he makes. The last straw was when he didnt buy me anything for valentines day, same as last year. He said that I didnt deserve it and was not worth it. Does he even love me, should i stay and work on this marriage that seems to be eating away at my sense of self?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Uncle Trev +, writes (16 February 2008):
This guy sounds horrible right down to the core. His family have made sure of this. Bringing him up around people that by what you have written sound like a lower form of pondlife.
If what you have written is the absolute complete story then there really is not a future in this relationship. If you try to carve one out of it then what you carve out will simply not be worth having.
Quite simply you will not find happiness in any form whilst you are married to this scum.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2008): If things were bad in the first place why make them worse by marrying this creep?? Surely you knew what he was like and that guys like him don't change no matter how much you think they will once you are married?!?!This loser is trying to knaw slowly away at your self worth and confidence so that you will eventually believe everything that he says is true. He will never be happy by anything that you do or say to him. He will eventually have you give up your job, friends, family til you are It he was any a decent husband he would not have left his aunt shout at you on what is meant to be the happiest day of your life! He obviously has no love or respect for you if he's treating you this way.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2008): 'duskyrowe' your answer was SO funny. To the poster: My God and bloody hell this man sounds awful and so do his family. Why was his aunt shouting at your on your wedding day and how dare she? My ex boyfriend used to tell me I was like a child and yet I am a very highly educated professional person!! It scares me how many men there are around like this actually. Bullies! It sounds as though he is very insecure and weak. I am always reluctant to say to anyone to just throw away a marriage/long relationship but in this case it is tempting. I would suggest marriage counselling and have some time apart from him and let him miss you. There's no doubt about it his behaviour is totally out of order and he sounds selfish and rude. You must be very miserable and annoyed with yourself for putting up with it? I think you should explain to him how you feel and take it from there. it is true that some bad relationships can get fixed but this would need professional intervention. It sounds as though he has unresolved issues from another part of his life. It really bothers me to read that you are not allowed to be affectionate, not allowed to be taken on holiday and haven't had a honeymoon that is really really wrong. Take care x
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A
female
reader, duskyrowe +, writes (15 February 2008):
 Your hubby is a low down creep and should be treated accordingly. Leave this selfish manipulating indidvidual and as for not standing up to your honour when his aunt ruined the most important day of your life by shouting at you is unforgivable.
My God I would love to punch your hubby in the mouth, for treating such a nice young lady like you like S**t on his shoes. Sorry I am not a violent person but that is how I feel. Don't worry Hun me and the aunts are all on your side. Dusky xxx.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (15 February 2008):
 You're obviously unhappy with the state of your marriage; it frankly doesn't sound like there's much love on his part towards you. He's been pushing you further and further away from him and has been diminishing (or attempting to) your sense of self worth.If you want to save the marriage, I think you have no choice but to go to counseling. From the sound of it, he will probably not want to join you, but there's no reason you can't go on your own.He seems to be getting his companionship needs met elsewhere, either with his mates or could it be another love interest? How is he meeting your needs for companionship?If he doesn't value you and your marriage, is it worth saving the relationship? These questions can only be answered by you.What do you want in the future? Is what you have working for you? Will it get better on its own?Stay strong in yourself, remember that you deserve decent treatment and work toward a positive future for yourself, either with or without him.All the best.
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A
male
reader, Namatjira +, writes (15 February 2008):
Of course we only have your description and you may be accidentally leaving out details that could help further, but it very much sounds like he is 'training' you to be his submissive. Clearly he is dominant and does not believe that you have any right to be treated as an equal and much of what you describe sounds calculated to reduce your self worth and maximise your feelings of guilt so he can then manipulate you as he wishes.
There are more innocent explanations in that the way he is treating you may be the only way he knows from what he learned from his own family. His aunt shouting at you on your wedding day is a possible example of this.
Either way, it has clearly got to stop and this will not be easy. At some point he won your love and so you must have seen something within him that was worthy of your love. That just makes it harder to walk away. But walking away may not be the only choice you have.
There is a book that I have found useful and here is the link to it on Amazon.
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0060928972/o/qid=976836818/sr=2-1/103-5970003-0385437
She has written other books, some of which you may also find useful. The book I have referred to above about Emotional Blackmail is (or was) also available on cassette and I recommend getting that if you can. Sometimes it is easier to listen to than to read about.
Only you can assess if you want to save your marriage and turn his behaviour around, or if you want to call it quits. But I do recommend that you consider what Dr Forward has to say before you make a final decision. She does give examples of cases where destructive relationships have been turned around so it is possible.
I do wish you good luck. Message me if you think I can help more specifically.
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