A
male
age
36-40,
*id11
writes:Sorry for the long story, but I think it is important to say it all.About an year ago, my friend introduced me to a Filipino girl for dating. However, I was reluctant to date since I knew my parents won't approve a non-Indian for marriage (I am from India), and I did not want to hurt her. So on the second date I told her that we should not meet since my parents won't approve this. But she somehow got attached already and kept calling and meeting me for another month. She even said that she can 'just date', but looking at how attached she already was, I did not want to risk it just for my pleasure. Ultimately she agreed not to give this a try. I did all this while I myself liked this girl a lot, but had to sacrifice my happiness and desires for my parents' wishes and her safety. I never tried to take advantage of her during these 1.5 months.After this she kept on meeting as friends for the next 7 months. During this time I encouraged or helped her with some long term relationships that I thought could work for her. I wanted to see her in a happy relationship even though I loved her a lot myself, but wasn't strong enough to fight my culture.During these 7 months, I also figured out that casual dating and casual sex were very normal for her. She started talking about guys who she wants to date just for some short term fun. She also planned a trip to Philippines recently and had made plans to date a friend for a few weeks just for fun. All these stories completely disturbed my mind. I started regretting not going ahead and just dating her in the beginning as dating guys for a couple of weeks and having casual sex is no big deal for her. And I suppressed my liking for her thinking that if I get close to her physically, she might get attached and hurt. So I decided to break our friendship. But after breaking the friendship, I felt even worse. So after 2 weeks of struggle, I decided to tell her my feelings and wanted to explore this relationship seriously. But she declined saying that the way I initially rejected her was very hurtful and she decided to never give me a chance again. She also told me that after I broke friendship, she had 2 weeks before going to Philippines and she needed company. So she dated an ex-con (who was stalking her for some time) for those 2 weeks. Also, after reaching Philippines, she got into a relationship with another guy within a week.After all this, my mind and life are completely disturbed. Everyday I regret not dating her initially when she was all over me. But I cannot figure out what exactly is causing me trouble. I still feel like I am in love with this girl. But if I think practically, she is definitely not a good long term match, given how casual sex is so normal for her. I still get nightmares of her sleeping around with guys and it hurts a lot. Or is this just lust of not using the opportunity to have a physical relationship with an extremely gorgeous girl who wouldn't have been hurt if we had just dated for fun.I am not in contact with her at all now, but it has been 2 months that I am feeling so shaken and it seems like this will never go away. I think I somehow need to justify that whatever happened, happened for my own good. But I have been failing in doing this.
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male
reader, sid11 +, writes (23 January 2012):
sid11 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks a lot for your replies. I completely agree with you on casual dating. I come from a conservative culture in India, and sex is a big thing there. Its not that I was completely unaware of how most people are fine with casual dating and sex in US. But I tried to stretch my way of thinking on this filipino girl, thinking that she is probably looking for something long term and maybe have to date a lot of guys just because guys want to play around. It was extremely hurtful to see her randomly hooking around only for short term pleasure. So its just the way I experienced this different culture that has disturbed me. But, as you said, maybe I would have been more hurt if I had dated her as I am more emotional than her. And this is how I am trying to convince myself now :)
Thanks again for your help.
A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (22 January 2012):
 Hi Sid11,
You should be happy that you didn't get involved with her. You did the right thing and you should consider lucky. Why? If you feel this way about her now, imagine if you had been physical with her? You would have been more attached and it would've been more difficult for you to forget her. Another thing to consider, guys need sex, think of having good time, but you have to always be careful with whom you have sex. Std's and some diseases could be fatal. It's not joke! You said she thinks nothing of casual sex, date different guys weekly, ugh... One word: STD. I am not here to judge anybody, everyone have the right to live their lives the way they want. Different people have different standards. Different morals and different ideas of character. See, for me I would never date someone that don't have self-respect. I appreciate and cherish the people in my life and take relationships seriously, i don't understand people that casually date for fun, maybe teenagers but when you get to certain age you need to realize that you are dealing with people's lives and emotions. Sorry, I think I said too much, but I think you deserve better because you seem like a genuine nice guy. Don't think too much, be happy and look forward to the future and meeting new girls.
Good luck/best wishes
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (22 January 2012):
 Time will help you to heal from this shallow woman. There are such people and if anything you should thank your lucky stars that the 'USING' of you was not worse.
There are stories (one does not have to look too far) of people (men and women) who financially rip off good souls like you and take advantage of a person with a kind caring good nature (like your good nature).
Next time make sure the reslationship is EQUTABLE
It should never all be one way - with you doing / giving everything and she taking.
You need a fairer relationship where you are respected as the good person you are.
Not used as a walking ATM dispensing favors and money.
And ask yourself every time: Is this good for me and is this Fair use of my time, my resources, my money, my good nature.
protect yourself from being used. Because you know you do deserve better than that.
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A
male
reader, sid11 +, writes (22 January 2012):
sid11 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your replies. I think another thing that bothers me is that I feel like I was used by this girl. When she was all over me initially, I never tried to take advantage of her even when all of my friends were telling me to just go ahead have fun with her. But I just cannot see anyone getting attached and then getting hurt because of me. However, when we continued to hang out as friends, she kept telling me that she is still in love with me until the last day we met. But when I asked her for a serious relationship she rejected me and said she didn't really mean what she said. She said it took her some time, but she finally detached herself from me and she has no feelings. But I, over these 7 months, took care of her like a parent. I used to take her out to dinners, movies or whatever she wanted to do. I also paid her rent twice as she is very irresponsible with money. I would even go and meet her at midnight whenever she needed a shoulder to cry on. So it seems like she deceived me for her advantage and never really gave me an opportunity to detach myself from her. So now I regret not casually dating her initially because (a) casual dating is no big deal for her and (b) the way she took advantage of me, so I shouldn't have cared so much about how she would have felt
As some of you have said, maybe its only because of her beauty that she is stuck in my mind, and hopefully time will heal this wound.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Susie  +, writes (22 January 2012):
 I believe should never again contact this girl, she is just far too different from you in so many ways, back ground, upbringing, values. You don't have anything in common with each other, to sustain a long term relationship. You will get over this in time, two months isn't really very long. You must look at yourself, determine how important your family and what they want from you, and how this is to fit your life, and build you life around that. You can't get the life that you want until you figure out what that is. You may choose to live the life that your family wants for you, with an Indian wife. Or you might choose to live independently from your family's choices. Decide what you want for you first, then live your life accordingly. You will find that it will be less confusing for you when you do meet someone, because you will have been looking in the right places.
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A
male
reader, Kyle007 +, writes (22 January 2012):
Don't try to justify anything. Understand that this woman runs around a lot and thank goodness that you did not get involved with her. Being close to her may have poisoned your mind a bit, as you were attracted to her, and being attracted to her allows her to have an effect on you.
Quietly say to yourself that you never want to see her again. And don't try to make sense of any of her actions. It sounds like she is nuts.
You will have to resolve your culture as a seperate issue. You either follow it or abandon it, it looks like. Personally, realize you are in the USA and not India, and following the Indian culture here may be very difficult for you. Women of all races are here, and if your parents approve of you being in the USA, they should be understanding enough of your wanting to follow American culture.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (22 January 2012):
You feel like you want to 'save' this girl but I think you are wasting your time. This girl has a very different outlook to life and her outlook is more casual than your outlook.
She is on a quest to find a particular man for her. She has not yet found him, though she was imprressed with you initially. But now she has moved on. And there is a shallowness that is too hard for you to comprehend as her values and attitudes are so different to yours.
She enjoys men falling for her and she may continue to be like this for the rest of her life. It is not her culture that drives this, it is just her personality. This more shallow kind of thinking one sees in many men and some womem in any country of the world.
She has a goal. She is on a mission and she may already know what she is looking for, but as yet she has not met the right person to fulfill all her dreams.
You must put this issue to one side and get on with your life. Yes she seemed exotic and attractive and you were smitten.
But you also face strong cultural pressure to conform to the values and attitudes of your culture.
In the mean time work on your own belief in you. Work on building up your own self esteem so that you can go forward more comfortably in life, Because you do deserve good things in the future. And those things will happen.
Just try not to stay stuck so deeply in the past that you stymie your chances of moving forward confidently into the furure.
regards
Abella
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