A
female
age
30-35,
*issLoca
writes:Im a 20 year old mom of a 4 year old daughter. And in the past 4 years I have learned that I dont enjoy being a mom. I know that sound brutally honest but I cant help the way i feel. I love my daughter with all my heart dont get me wrong but Im not sure I can handle this mom thing anymore. I know being a mom isnt just something You can be when u want to but I dont have the patience. I want to go out and do things and experience life, yet its wrong to bring my kid along the ride with me. Im not saying I will walk away but the thought has crossed my mind. Ive researched into my personality as far as from the astrological point of view. Im a very outgoing, impatient, and careless person. This I know is true. I dont enjoy taking care of another individual or revolving my whole world as i know it around her. Im too selfish for that. I hate that every decision I make I have to think about her. I hate myself for saying all of this as well and it makes me feel terrible inside but i dont know what else to do. Im not sure I was meant to be a mom to her. But I also dont know if Im just going through a rough patch in life and things may get better. All i know is I cant live my life like this much longer. Something has to change. Please give advice as to what I should do or expect in my situation. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Wisdom  +, writes (18 April 2012):
 Hello again
I am glad we were able to help, however just a little food for thought, although some people may not agree. I am just looking at things from another angle... Your mother may have thought she was doing the best thing for you. She could have said no to you having sex and then you being a teenager would have done it anyway... YOu could have ended up in the back of a car with no protection. I for one would prefer that my daughter have sex in the safty of my house feeling safe and secure and using birth control rather in the back of the car. So try not to be too hard on your mother :)
I think you will find a huge amouunt of support with mothers your own age and you wil be able to start to peice your life together. I agree with the other comment of the best revenge you can get is to learn.
I wish you all the very best and hope things work out for you
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2012): One of my friends is a single mom. She enrolled her little boy in a youth soccer team so he could make friends and she could meet other parents. You could consider looking into the local sports teams available in your area for little kids. Also, as summer is approaching, activities like gymnastics, or swimming and summer day camps may be available in your area. You may want to consider enrolling her in an activity so she can make friends, and you can meet parents.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2012): Appreciate the additional background. You are to be commended for your honesty, insight and intelligence. Your situation is a classic example of how very often teenage pregnancy results from the unwitting perpetuation of a cycle of dysfunction. I'm assuming the circumstances of your daughter's conception mirrored your own because your mother learned absolutely nothing from her own experience; not only did she fail to give you the necessary guidance to avoid her mistake, she actively encouraged you to repeat it.Fortunately (but unfortunately) you've learned what your mother didn't, so now you can teach your daughter what your mother didn't teach you.No sugar coating, you've got a long tough road ahead but you are far better equipped to deal with the unrelentless challenges you face than most clueless DC young mom posters, most of whom are pining over their useless absent deadbeat baby daddies and whose daughters will end up unwittingly repeating the teenage pregnancy cycle just like your mother's daughter did but your daughter won't.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 April 2012):
 That's positive, now you can take revenge - in a positive way, that won't hurt anybody .
You can take your " revenge " by becoming an incredibly good wise caring mum for your daughter, a mom that will be ten times better than your mom. You can use your experience to give your kid a better quality of parenting, with more attention, more affection, more rules and severity when necessary. You can do it... because now you know better than your mom, and because of that your child will have an easier and happier life than you had.
Every poison can be turned into medicine :)
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female
reader, MissLoca +, writes (17 April 2012):
MissLoca is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you so much! To everyone thankyou for such wonderful advice. I think it would be a good idea for me to be around other mothers my age. I just have to find some. I dont really have any friends, or at least friends with kids. And i completely agree that having a baby so young is so dumb. Unfortunately, I didnt get pregnant totally on purpose. A part of me has alot of anger towards my own mom because of my life as it is now. I didnt start feeling anger towards her till just recently though. I know she didnt force me to have sex but she did allow it. She let my 18 yr old bf sleep in my bed when i was only 14. Yes, i chose to have sex. It was protected, i was on birth control but obviously that didnt do much help. After a few years of being a mother Ive lost alot of respect for my own mother for allowing me to do basically whatever I wanted. I would NEVER let a boy even sleep at my house let alone my daughters bed. If shes going to have sex it wont be at my house and a bf? Overage? HELL NO! So i think alot of my anger stems from the neglect from my own mother when she was supposed to guide me in the right direction. Not allow me to dig myself a grave at 14.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (17 April 2012):
That's precisely why it's a bad idea having kids at such a young age ( and 16 is insanely young for our society, habits and expectations ).. MOST young girl are impatient, careless, ego referred ,not well equipped to delay gratification and handle frustration.
Don't get me wrong, if you aren't a very child oriented person raising kids is tough at ANY age, always tougher than you thought. I was way older than you when my child was your daughter's age, and, honestly, often I felt frustrated too that I had to devote so much time and attention to something that would not have been my choice without him. I would have preferred watching a theatre play rather than the nursery school play, shopping at Bloomingdale's rather than at Toys R us, reading a good blockbuster on my own , rather than reading him aloud children books. I WAS missing out on things I enjoyed. But, there was the other side of the coin, and it was that he was so happy of doing stuff with me, and I was so happy that I could make him happy. So, all in all, it was a more than fair trade - my time and priorities for his smile that would just warm up my heart.
It's a matter of organizing your priorities, when you've got kids often you don't get what you want , but you get something that's ultimately much better .
It's something, I guess, that comes with time and maturity- and most of all when you have had the chance to already have lived it up a bit and done stuff and tried things. So you don't really miss that much going out and partyng and hanging out with friends, because , after all, BTDT.
Of course now you can't get back in time, what you can do is looking for support and ways to minimize stress and frustration without taking it out on your child ( and I am not even talking about abuse or neglect, just of that form of psychological tiredness and emotional detachment that kids are so quick at picking up on) . One of the worst stressors is feeling isolated. Do you have friends your age with kids, with whom you can arrange for playdates and playgroups ? Shared parenting is so much easier- misery loves company, lol. Or you could swap babysitting afternoons with a friend, so each one gets at least some " totally me " time.
Also, there are support groups for young moms like you everywhere, organized by churchs, libraries , the city, etc. That helps too, sharing your feelings rather then bottling them defuses lots of negativity. Or you can look on line for a mom's support group- or found your own.
And , you can try making parenting more fun by doing together things you like. There are plenty of "Mommy and me " dance classes, for instance, a friend of mine developed a passion for tip-tap ( of all things ) by taking there her 6 y.o.
It takes some ingenuity, but you can , and should, find something to make things easier for you. Some women are irremediably less motherly than others, and that's just the way things are, but surely that's not the kid's fault , so she should feel the consequences of that as least as possible, or , ideally, not at all.
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female
reader, Wisdom +, writes (17 April 2012):
Thank you for your honesty. It cant be easy admitting this. However you are not alone in your struggle. many many teenage girls have babies deciding that it is a wonderful idea, flash forward past the cute baby stage and now you have a kid to look after and all your friends are out enjoying their youth. I totally get it. But alas there is nothing you can do... this is your child and your responsibility. I would start talking to someone about how you are feeling otherwise you will bottle it up and one day you will just burn out.
I would also suggest finding other mothers the same age as you, I think you will be very suprised at how many feel the same way. Don't be too hard on yourself you will get past this...
Best of luck
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A
female
reader, Wisdom +, writes (17 April 2012):
Thank you for your honesty. It cant be easy admitting this. However you are not alone in your struggle. many many teenage girls have babies deciding that it is a wonderful idea, flash forward past the cute baby stage and now you have a kid to look after and all your friends are out enjoying their youth. I totally get it. But alas there is nothing you can do... this is your child and your responsibility. I would start talking to someone about how you are feeling otherwise you will bottle it up and one day you will just burn out.
I would also suggest finding other mothers the same age as you, I think you will be very suprised at how many feel the same way. Don't be too hard on yourself you will get past this...
Best of luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2012): 20 is a hard age to have a 4year old. And i know from experience that they are boisterous and demanding at that age. But you chose to keep her and there must have been a reason for that? Your little girl needs you hun, and a child is not just until they reach a certain age, you will always be her mother so unless you want to hand her over to social services there has to be another solution. Have you thought about aranging a weekly/fortnightly babysitter on a regular basis so that you can have a bit of space because no matter how enthusiastic a mother is we all need time to ourselves. Or perhaps taking her to join a club where there will be other young women for you to talk to.
I know its already been said but there is no point focusing on astrological birthsigns you are looking for answers and excuses that are not as simple as the month we were born in. If you begin feeling really bad and upset perhaps you should speak to somebody who can help you like your dr, because aparently you can get postnatal depression as late as that.
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (17 April 2012):
 I think it's a rough patch. My son has ADHD and requires constant attention. I had said mean things to my son, dreamt about slapping his face, but whenever he reached a milestone and showed his feelings towards life my eyes tear up. It made me want to do anything to make him happy. Your daughter is at an age where she is not so mobile but is entirely dependent on you. 3 years ago all I could do is take my son to the shopping mall or the bookstore and that was without a car. Now I can do more stuff like field trips and beaches.
Don't use astrology to justify your fantasies of abandoning your child, or that you are an unfit parent. I am sure you left out positive qualities on purpose, that are essential in parenting. The frustration you feel is shared by many others regardless of sun sign.
I think you are burnt out as a parent. You haven't mentioned whether you are a student or working. I think the change lies in an adjustment in your lifestyle, and acceptance, that's all I can say, acceptance.
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