A
female
age
36-40,
*odelCitizen
writes:I'm struggling to let go of a bad relationship and need to know whether what I am feeling is normal?We've been together for over 4 years and I love him a lot, but we've had lots of problems in that time, mainly to do with the fact I've never really felt that I'm a priority in his life (I've posted about this before).It has finally got to the stage where I have accepted that he's never going to change, regardless of what he says, yet whenever I try to end it I just can't do it. I get overwhelmed with feelings of sadness and I just want to hug him and never let go. At that moment all I can think about is how much I love him and I wonder if things are really that bad at all?I know a break up is probably for the best, because I'm not happy now and it's been that way for a long time, but the thought of not having him in my life any more is just so hard to take. I will miss him so much and I'm terrified I'll regret my decision because it's not a lack of love that's driving it. I also can't bear the thought of hurting him either.Is this normal? Or does it mean I shouldn't end it? Is this just a lack of courage? And if so how do I find it?! Please know that I'm not scared of being single, I actually loved being single before and I would again, I'm just scared I will never love anyone as much as I love him and I'll regret the decision.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2013): Would you like to spend the rest of your life, with this relationship, with him. or would you like to spend the rest of your life without him in your life at all.Is there a way, you can make the relationship you have work for you? You love him so much, can you work with what he offers you? Some people have to spend weeks apart in their marriage. Could you embrace the amount of time you have to do your own things? Do a sport? join a book club? redecorate your house? learn to dance? learn a new language? Do what you love to do.If there is no way, you will be happy with what you have, you may have to spend a couple of extremely painful years getting over this relationship, to make room for one that creates immense happiness and fulfillment for you. Two years of intense heart ache then happiness, OR 50 years of being unfulfilled?It is totally your choice, and whatever you do decide, it is the right decision.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2013): "He does tell me he loves me all the time and I do believe that"Don't believe what a guy SAYS, believe what he DOES (or in this case doesn't do, such as follow through on his promises to make more of an effort in your relationship).He's been telling you exactly what you want to hear so he can continue to keep things exactly they way he wants and in so doing he has managed to reduce you to a spineless quivering mass of jelly with absolutely no effort required or expended on his part. He has no reason or incentive to change for you because he knows he can buy you off very cheaply with nothing more than a few hugs and kisses and some insincere false promises. Problem is that even if you choose to remain wishy-washy and compliant, you still have no guarantee that he won't eventually dump you for some other needy, insecure, clingy chick who is younger, prettier, richer, and/or easier to manipulate.
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A
female
reader, ModelCitizen +, writes (30 September 2013):
ModelCitizen is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your replies everyone, I really appreciate you taking the time to answer my question. I think there is a lot about our relationship worth saving which is what makes it so hard. I also know myself, and one night a week together will never be enough for me. Which is basically the crux of the issue. It's at the stage now where things are going very smoothly between us because I have stopped expecting anything from him at all. It's stopped the fighting but the idea of attending every family party or wedding on my own for the next 50 years because he has other commitments/plans makes me feel dog tired. Maybe I am needy, or at least too needy for him, but it comes down to the fact I feel really lonely. I hardly ever get any support or attention from him. I think I'd actually feel less lonely if I was on my own which sounds weird but it's true. He tells me that he wants to see me more too and he has promised me several times that he'll make more of an effort, or that we can have X as our date night from now on, yet something always comes up and I get cancelled for whatever it is (sometimes friends, sometimes work/a gig). Or he will follow through once then things go back to how they were. He does tell me he loves me all the time and I do believe that, but I don't feel it. He is very affectionate in the sense that he gives me lots of hugs and kisses when I see him, but he can go several days without even speaking to me and be totally fine about that.Sorry I'm just ranting now! I guess it's hard to let go when there is so much love between us. CMMP I think you are definitely right when you say it's a compatibility issue.
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A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (30 September 2013):
I think that the reason that the divorce rate is so high is because people underestimate the importance of compatibility. Love is obviously very important, but what good is love without happiness.
Now, your rational for wanting to break up with him requires very careful consideration, because it may not be all his problem. Maybe you're needy? Maybe you don't have a lot of friends or hobbies? I don't know, and haven't read your other questions, but these are things to consider, because you may dump him just to find out that you always feel this way.
If you're sure that's not the case then you just have to do it. Be compassionate but firm. Tell him that you've given him the chance to change and it's obviously not going to happen and that's okay, it just means that we're not the right people for each other.
Then, use the lessons you learned in this relationship to find someone who you're better suited to.
In my experience there's a lot of great people out there, especially when you know what you want from someone and you're not afraid to move on if they aren't right for you
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2013): People use all the excuses you've given as why they won't leave a bad relationship. You're balancing on the fence, telling yourself you won't love anyone like you love him.
Uhm...how do you know that?
Your remorse is the fear of being alone after putting him out of your life. You've spent a lot of time keeping track of this man's whereabouts and taking care of him. After all that emotional investment, you don't want to let go.
Why are you here?
Because you're tired of his crap. He's not contributing as much to the relationship as you are. It's stressful, annoying, lopsided, and it isn't going anywhere. You are both co-dependent, you have a love-addiction for him. This makes you cling to the memories of the good-times over the bad times. The bad-times have dominated the relationship to the degree you had to come to DC for help. You didn't really listen to previous advice; you just needed to vent.
The resolve to get one's self out of a no-win relationship comes from logic. You're letting your emotions rule over your better judgment. So every-time common-sense says this is not working you must end this; you allow your emotions to overrule, and you continue to put up with a dead relationship.
He has no motivation to change; because you've taken things just as they are all this time. Shut up or put up!
Don't pretend you're not afraid of being single. I'm WiseOwlE, and I know you are. You're afraid he'll find another female, as soon as you let him go. This seems unfair after all the time and effort you've invested in your relationship. Your investment isn't yielding the return that you're looking for. So it's time to cut your losses.
You've given your superficial reasons for not letting go.
Lack of courage, love, and indecision. That's typical.
I'm going to dig for the underlying reasons.
You both have shared history together. You set your expectations to believe your relationship would proceed to a higher level. There is the natural jealousy we all have about our former mates hooking up with other people. The fear they'll do better the next time around, and it will be before we get over them. That accounts for your hesitation and fear of regret.
There are abandonment issues. The fear of his being too eager to let go. That makes you feel easily rejected and places insecurity about your self-worth and sexual attraction. It eats at your self-esteem.
You are also lazy. The bird in the hand is not worth two in the bush; when the bird is buzzard.
You don't like the prospect of having to get back out in the dating world; because you feel four years behind the times. It means losing weight, improving and keeping up your appearance, and competing with other women for male companionship. It's not that hard. You're just complacent.
Then there is the matter of sex. You're used to his equipment. If he's well-endowed, you hate knowing someone else might get to enjoy it. If it's smaller to average, you still don't like the idea of him doing it to someone else.
If he has ever cheated, or is cheating; that's already happened.
Jealousy forces visualizations to run through our minds, and that makes letting go of a mate all the more difficult.
Trying to accept seeing him happy with someone else is a caustic idea. If he dumps you first, it will happen anyway.
Courage comes with logic. Review all the emotional hardships you've endured in the current relationship. The time you are wasting clinging to him in misery; may as well be used getting over him. Get on with your life, and enjoy it while you're still young. Become your best friend again,
and give yourself some of that love you've wasted on him.
How much of yourself have you lost devoting your time to him; and centering your world around his?
You are young and in the prime of your life. You should be concentrating on fixing your own faults, seeking your dreams, and making self-improvements that will enhance your next relationship. You need to reclaim your identity, and learn to say I, me, and mine; as an individual, and not as half of a fractured unhappy couple. Freedom is calling you, and it forced you to write your post.
It's not our decision to make for you. We read what you write about your relationship. You're living it.
You may want marriage and children. You may want to advance your professional life. Everything is on hold while you grapple with a very important life-decision. Is he an asset to your life, or just an emotional burden? Do cry more than you laugh? Is your mum happy for you? Does she like him?
Has your dad given his opinion? Is it good?
If he's not improving your life, you have to kick his ass to the curb. If you've become more than a pain in his ass,
he is going to be the one to kick you to the curb.
Get a head-start at getting over the breakup. You know it's going to be tough, but not as tough as staying with a guy who is slowly killing you inside. You'll be toxic waste when he's done with you. What other man wants that?
I hope I haven't been too frank for your taste. This is an adult subject, and candy-coating it will not offer your the candid and soul-searching advice you deserve.
I wish you the best!
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit +, writes (30 September 2013):
 A lot depends on how he really treats you.
You say you don't "think" that you're a priority in his life, well what makes you say that? You don't have to tell me, just think about the answer.
Does he neglect you? Is he thoughtless? Is he selfish and inconsiderate? If you answer yes to any of the aforementioned then think as to why you believe that.
Once you've established the reality of his behaviour and personality, think about what you would like to see in your future and think about whether this dream is achievable with him.
I can't tell you whether to stay or go but you do need to really think about this and, if possible, talk to your boyfriend about aspects of the relationship you're unhappy with to see if you can improve these areas.
It's very easy to fall into a routine in a long term relationship and take each other for granted. Things can go stale and get boring, is this what's happened or has it always been this way?
Love is not enough to keep a couple together if there are deeper fundamental problems.
You say you love him yet you are so very unhappy and dissatisfied. I wonder as to whether you are in love with the person you want him to be rather than the person he is.
Forever is long time to be with someone and be unhappy.
I also can't help wondering if you think it might be an easier and safer option to stay with your guy than take a risk and put yourself back out there and try for something better.
Only you know what you need to do and what you want, and deep down you know the answer but your scared.
I hope this helps AB x
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A
female
reader, Ladyhopeful +, writes (30 September 2013):
Hi OP.
I have been here before. Its a hard decision because you love him, but you have already said you arent happy. I felt the same, but it won't change. I am sorry if that's not what you want to here OP, but you know you should end it.
It won't be easy, and post break up is not nice, you will be hurt and upset, and start to doubt yourself and your decision. But stay strong, take it a day at a time.....and you WILL start to feel happy again. And then you will meet someone who does make you happy.
I hope it works out for you!!
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (30 September 2013):
 Wow! That's a tough place to be. I feel for you. I may be romantic in my perspective, but if there is genuine love involved and there is no issue of cheating, abuse, addiction, or any kind of horrible treatment, then the relationship is worth fighting for...but if you are not happy, then you know what you need to do.
I can assure you that you will love again. If your gut is telling you that you need to leave, then listen to it.
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