A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Me and my boyfriend are terrible at communicating, can this be fixed? We have been together for over 3 years but I still find it very difficult to talk to him about the future or anything like that. I know we can't go on like this, but I feel that when I try to talk to him about what I feel I need from the relationship he either brushes it off or occasionally gets a bit defensive. He said he is not good at talking about feelings and that's why he never does it. I make sure I use 'I feel' sentences but he still seems to feel attacked for some reason. I also find it hard to get my point across without it ending up getting sidetracked by other issues or him being hurt. How can I fix this? Admittedly I'm not very assertive and I've been avoiding the conversations because I don't want to come across as needy or moany. He says I'm never happy so I'm sure he thinks that already. I know this is no way to have a relationship though so any advice will be great. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (1 October 2013):
 Your boyfriend needs to know what he can do to make you feel better. It's true that "I feel" sentences is a step better than "you did this and made me feel," but it doesn't give him an idea of what you need.
From your post I am not clear what you need either. You talked about the future and what about it? Is it about living together or marriage? His feelings towards this?
I find that when you start the topic in a light hearted way, it gets the point across strongly. Like "wouldn't it be nice if this or that could happen?" "I am just curious, what do you think about this or that?"
Another thing is that he can't be that clueless about what you want. It shouldn't be that hard to figure girls always want better things. He could be playing dumb to avoid conversations about the future because he's just not there yet. So being confused sound better than admitting he is not ready, or hasn't thought about it yet.
You don't want to be a girlfriend forever but for a man who goes on a slower time line, he doesn't think about moving forward when there's no urge. He doesn't initiate this conversation just because you've been dating 3 years.
It's hard to imagine never raising this topic at any time in the relationship. You lay down your expectations and say, in 5 years time I see myself doing . . .
No complaining at all, just stating your life goals. If he doesn't talk about the future just assume he's not ready. It's still okay to let him know what your plans are so he's not wasting your time.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2013): i had the same thing, it was horrible for me as i am very sensetive, what i would say is tell him straight, now this cant be near an argument make sure he doesnt feel attacked by being calm and telling him you are happy , i know its hard but i think the good times are worth the hard times
hope i helped
xxx
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