A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I met a guy online and started seeing him.Before I started seeing him he took down his profile as he said he found it demoralising. He told me he was separated, had been for 9 yrs. said he hadn't divorced because he wife had gotten a boyfriend and hadn't bwanted him to purpose. I was wary as I know men lie, I checked out his fb and it did look like he had previous girlfriends but a lot of his page was private.Our first date he cancelled saying his ex wife's grandfather was ill and he had to look after his son whilst she was st the hospital. I gave him the benefit of doubt.He lived in a shared house with a room upstairs which I had been too.The thing is I found it odd how he disliked his wife, called her selfish yet went to stay at her home for a week to look after his son and her dog whilst she went on holiday.He would keep in touch daily by text and different times of the day so I never suspected anything.He never took me out and one Saturday evening I'd asked if he were free he'd disappeared later saying he'd been to the hospital as his son had fainted. We had a booty call in his room at the home he was staying at.He would only invite me over if he knew his landlord was out as he said it was awkward if he were there.He sent mixed signals suggesting he wanted more but it never get that way.I got annoyed and told him. He didn't seem to like it and accused me of using him and not making the effort.The next week he's ill with man flu but come the weekend he's looking after his son and the dog at his wife's whilst she's away with her boyfriend for the weekend. Then come Monday he's ill again. He arranged to meet Wednesday but cancelled last minute saying he's too ill. I flipped and told him to forget it. He was quite nasty about it and said I was causing drama and called it off saying he was done.Is it me or does this guy seem to be lying about his wifey situation. I mean I've been to the room he lives in but don't get why after 9 yrs they would not be divorced.
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booty call, divorce, ex-wife, his ex, on holiday, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (24 July 2017):
 I can actually understand the son/dog situation. Who else is going to look after them while his wife swans off with her boyfriend?
HOWEVER, you have no guarantee his wife IS actually going away. She could be there with them all the time. Just because he has a room in a shared house means nothing. He could be telling his wife he is going away with work or anything. His landlord may know his true situation, hence the secrecy. He could even bring back different women to the flat.
Do yourself a favour. You are worth more than being someone's guilty secret. Walk away with your head held high and don't contact him again. Block him and move on. He is playing you. You are worth more.
A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (24 July 2017):
 Truth or a lie, he's too much drama to deal with and you could do much better.
You deserve someone who has time for you and who puts you first.
Trust your gut with this one. We have those instincts for a reason.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (24 July 2017):
 I agree with all the other aunts/uncles. The man isn't divorced because he DOESN'T want to be divorced. When a marriage is really over and a person wants out, they will move heaven and earth to get out and get those papers signed. Whatever reasons this couple has, they are both content to stay married but separated. I'd guess he's still holding a candle for his wife hoping she'll comeback. A little ridiculous at 9 years but I'd wager a guess they'll still be married at 15! Where does that leave you? Last place my dear. Do for yourself what this man will NEVER do. Put yourself first. End things, move on. You deserve to be number one, not "Well when I have absolutely nothing else to do I'll call her".
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (23 July 2017):
 Talk about drama; he will forever be running backwards and forwards to take care of his son, plus dog until he gets a place of his own. Having the Landlord breathing down your neck can put people off from having/inviting visitors over. It would not be conducive for privacy etc.
However, sick or not sick he seems to come to life, recuperates quickly to care for others then goes into a slump when it comes to meeting you. Coincidence or not, if there’s a pattern to his (unreliable) behaviour then he’s the one causing the drama – Passive-aggressive!?
The issue with his ex-wife is certainly real and you’re coming in fifth place; after the Landlord, Ex-wife, son and dog... Sixth place if you count him.
The lack of divorce is strange and obscure. Generally people delay for financial, religious, can’t admit failure; give a false impression, hope for reconciliation or for convenience sake. Yet for whatever reason it’s an excepted status quo to both of them as neither one can commit to each other or their partners.
I believe this man presents drama, is not ever going to be ready for another commitment in the proper sense. After “9 YEARS”, the Ex-wife has him at her whim – by the balls.
Take Care – CAA
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (23 July 2017):
 He's not divorced because he doesn't WANT to be divorced.
He's hoping that his wife will come back to him, which is why he keeps himself available by staying married to her. Not only that, but he's running the clock out on property division and all that comes with divorce settlements.
I believe it when he says he wants to be married to his wife so that her boyfriend won't propose, but I'm strongly feeling that this is HIS idea, not his wife's. He wants her NOT to be available, and whoever is with him is just a warm placeholder body. That's you. You're the sex placeholder, to put it bluntly.
Get away from this guy. He is a piece of work.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (23 July 2017):
 There is too much baggage attached to this one. Whether he is telling the truth or making up porkies it should all be so much simpler than this for you.
I would draw a line under this for your own sanity. Otherwise you are going to be drawn into the shambles that is his life - a shambles he hasn't resolved after nine years. It's all too much.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 July 2017):
 Honestly? I would just block him and move on.
9 years of separation and not a divorce? That is ridiculous but it also GIVES him (and her) an excuse to NOT fully commit to the next person. He can't marry you, he can't fully commit as he has an arrangement with the ex-wife regarding the dog and the son.
Is he lying? I don't think so. If he has a room elsewhere and the wife farts off to various weekends and vacations with her "bf" then it's probably true. However, what does that leave for you? The sloppy seconds?
I think it's fine that he prioritizes his son and that it is EASIER for him to stay at HIS old house (now the ex-wife's) so the son doesn't have to live out of a suitcase or in a small room with his dad. But I wouldn't want to date this guy.
People get sick. He probably was sick while staying with his son/ex-wife's dog/house. And honestly? I rather someone who is sick cancel on me than showing up sick and spreading icky & sicky around!
You want a guy who can devote HIS time to you (which is understandable) - this guy? can't. And he seems a tad ... passive-aggressive, which I find utterly unatractive.
So let this one go and try again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2017): Not sure if he is lying about the wife situation but something is wrong and he clearly is hiding something. Yes he is lying to you about something. Forget him and move on. Why waste time over his bullshit and nonsense?
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