A
male
age
36-40,
*winwi1
writes:Am I a bad person? I do have a bad temper to the point where I raise my voice. I sometimes scream when I am angry. I have a girlfriend of two years, I have broken up with her five times in that past, I don't know why exactly. I don't know if it was because I am unhappy with her of what? I was getting out of a marriage when I met this girl. We just got back together and she is hanging out with another guy constantly and not making time for me and being inconsiderate. She kissed him, and fooled around with him, not sex, but fooling around. Now she met this guy the last time we broke up so I feel like I have no right to speak up. But I spent the time between our last break up and now seeing a therapist and doing journals to try to become a better man for her and to cut the crap. But she tells me she is confused and she fooled around with him, and spends 4 days a week with him, her friends are all friends with him, im uncomfortable with it, and she doesnt have sex with me anymore. She says she does all this because I drive her nuts, If she was not doing this I would not be driving her nuts. I don't know who is at fault here, but I thought we could move on from the past, i guess not. Is this stuff grounds for breaking up for a 6th time, are we just not right for each other, am I a bad person? I do sometimes scream and yell over this but I don't call her names or demean her. I feel like a bad person and my self esteem is shot. Any Advice??
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female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (11 November 2010):
 To put it simply - she was a rebound for you and you are not at all suited to each other. The reason you dont know why you break up with her so frequently is deep down you know this relationship is not right and you are not happy.
You are having therapy for all the wrong reasons - it never should be to make yourself a better person for someone else. What you should be having therapy for is to really get over the break-up of your marriage, and to work on your temper. You should want to make yourself a better person for YOU, not for HER.
She is cheating on you, she brings out the worst in you by aggrevating you and bringing out your temper - and most of all, you are on and off again far too much. Add that all together - this relationship is not working. A truly happy relationship, where you are right for each other is never a bed of roses and there are still problems, but because you are right for each other you communicate and work through your problems together. You NEVER break up just when times get tough or you just dont 'feel' happy anymore - you talk about it and work through it as a couple. But clearly you two are incapable of this which is a massive sign that you are not working, she doesnt want to work on your problems so she is cheating on you and finding comfort with another man, and you just get angry and shout rather than try and resolve problems in a sensible, calm manner.
If you continue with this relationship you will only carry on going round and round in circles, never getting anywhere and being unhappy. End the relationship now, spend some time being single and work on YOU for a while. You must have married very young, and then you have come out of that straight into another bad relationship that is draining you. So be single for a while (at least 6 months), spend time alone getting to know yourself again and allow yourself to fully get over the break-up of 2 big relationships. If you keep jumping from one relationship to another you will only take the problems from the last one into the new one, you never give yourself time to reflect on where it went wrong and what you want from future relationships.
So please, end this relationship from both of your sakes. Neither of you are happy so end this once and for all, and DONT get back together again. This has to be the end, for good! Then take some time out from girls, learn what makes you happy again and re-discover yourself as a single man. You have been in serious relationships for a long time, so you will only think of yourself as one half of a couple. Take some time out to find out who you are as an individual, learn how to make yourself happy without women in your life and then once you can do that, you will find your next relationship will be so much better.
I hope this helps and good luck!
A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (11 November 2010):
 No, you're not a bad person at all.
She, however, is really playing games with you and giving you the run-around. In theory, once you break up with someone you and she are then free to meet and date anyone else you please, and the one you ended it with has no say-so about it.
For one thing, when you end a relationship, the idea is that you BOTH go your separate ways. You don't hang around together any more, or socialize with one another's friends.......there should be no more contact, so that you can both begin to heal, think about what went wrong between you in order to learn from it and eventually, when time has passed, you meet someone more compatible (but one would hope you don't immediately jump into a "rebound" relationship just because you can't stand to be alone. That's not fair to either yourself OR the "rebound-ee."
As far as your ex is concerned, her behavior clearly shows she's simply no longer interested in attempting to make a go of it with you.......you broke up with her - or she with you - six times. Now its way past time to call it a permanent break; no more getting back together again.
It would be good if you continue working with your therapist on all this, and your self-esteem - which will probably improve once you say "goodbye" to your ex once and for all.......
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