A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am making this post to pretty much get "free therapy". I know I am having some emotions, but I don't fully know how to interpret them. Here is the situation at its basic level. I recently lost my virginity to my girlfriend. She has been in a serious relationship before and lost her virginity before that. I have "play around" with people before dating her but never went as far as to have vaginal intercourse. Now here is the thing that I don't get....I feel "sad" or just not normal when I think about the fact that she has had sex before. This feeling comes up particularly if I watch porn. (I have sensed stopped doing this). But it also bothers me at other times. I really love this woman and could potentially see myself committing to ger. She is wonderful, beautiful and smart and just a very good person. Especially for me. Now, I feel that I have a.....jealousy, i guess, that I have not had sexual intercourse with others, and have been worried that this might keep me from wanting to marry her. So1) Is this normal....am I a bad person?2) Any suggestions as to how to help me feel better about this....I really don't want to stop a wonderful relationship because "i haven't explored the sea enough" but keep worrying about these thoughts. 3) How much does having sex with others really mean? I feel like it wouldn't make anything better for me so long as I love her....and I don't see it changing anytime soon.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo Blod, yes I agree. It is partially that I can share the loss of her virginity.
Thank you everyone for the help. I know that I don't want to end a relationship over this. Especially because she is so wonderful and I know that I will have the same "issue" with others. I have been speaking with her about this, but just felt like I wanted to hear what others has to say also.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2010): Yes, this is totally normal. No, you aren't a bad person.
No, it's not worth it. If the meaning of life is meaning itself, do you get any meaning from tagging other girls?
If you love this gal and you both want to be together, it's so much more rewarding and meaningful to make a life together, rather than being equally matched on sexual experience.
It's just flesh.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2010): I don't think your lack of experience is really what bothers you. I think what really bothers you is her having other experience.
This subject gets discussed a lot. Trust me, your feelings would not go away just because you went out and matched her past with another woman yourself. You are stuck with these feelings permanently because you are a normal male and that is how we were designed to feel.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (11 November 2010):
 1) This is normal. The urge to spread the seed and the power of jealousy are strong - but the mark of the civilized man is the suppression of base urges in favor of better traits.
One or two previous lovers is not a real issue, anyway. I'd bet good money finding a new virgin girlfriend would be harder than it's really worth, unless you're at a church seeking a bride, not a girlfriend.
2) First, think about throwing this away - you will *not* get the chance to get back with her, and decent girls are hard to find (they exist, but don't advertise as much, and get snapped up quick). Unless you have the opportunity to get with an absolutely gorgeous woman (who will have been with more than just one previous booyfriend), the sex will not be as good as it is with a girlfriend, anyway. There's little to gain and much to lose.
Of course, if something more substantial comes up, that assessment might change.
3) Sex is awesome. Sex with lots of different people, unless you're looking to trade up or collect bragging rights, is really not as good as sex with someone who knows you, is comfortable with you, and is certain to be free of VD.
Additionally, consider the feasibility of playing the field. It's harder than it looks, and only about 10% of guys have what it takes to really win that game, the rest just get lucky once in a while. *IF* you can win, success breeds success - girls love whoever other girls love. But the sex still won't be as good.
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A
female
reader, xanthic +, writes (11 November 2010):
 Well, it depends on what you really want. Quality or quantity? Would you rather experience sex with several women, or lots of sex with the woman you love?
It doesn't make you a bad person and it's normal to wonder what else is out there, but by pursuing that curiosity, you'd be sacrificing the wonderful relationship you already have. In comparison, 'exploring the sea' would be very disappointing.
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A
female
reader, Blod  +, writes (11 November 2010):
 I think what you're feeling here is some sadness, disappointment and jealousy that she's not been able to fully share the experience of losing your virginity with her. You feel she's given you something (or taken it away in this case) but you've not been able to do the same. Can you relate to this?
I don't think you should let it affect your relationship. You're definitely not a bad person for feeling this way. A lot of people in the same situation feel the same. What's important to remember is that, yes, she's had sex before but it probably wouldn't have felt as special or meaningful as what it does with you. It's not the fact that she's actually lost her virginity before you need to be concentrating on; it's thinking about what sex meant to her and what it means to her now.
I hope this helps.
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