A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ok, I have a question. About almost 2 years ago, my husband died tragically from an on the job accident at 33 years old. I was in a deep depression for a long time, and I to this day, am still grieving. I have three children that I have to take care of, so that takes my mind off of it. Anyway, VERY soon after, I went into a panic and started dating. I think it was a month after. I dated a few guys here and there, but it never blossomed into any sort of relationship. I met my current boyfriend about a year after, and when I met him, he wasn't exactly my type. But I said that I'd give it a chance and see if there is anything there. I did feel a connection to him on an emotional level but not a physical one. But I stayed in the relationship because it felt good. He is definitely NOT my husband. My husband was a giving, loving, warm hearted, gorgeous, sweet guy that did everything for his family. And I was SURE that I wouldn't ever find that again. This guy, has a good heart, he is in love with me, he makes me laugh again, a good father, but he is not the warmest person. He is a type-A personality, matter of fact type person. I think I tend to ignore those things, and sometimes think that maybe it will work itself out eventually. I keep going on and on with this relationship even though I know deep down that it may not work out. And I feel horrible that I will eventually hurt this guy very badly. But in my mind, I don't want to break up. I'd rather stay in this comfortable relationship that I have in my grasp because I don't want to be alone. I know that is sooooo wrong, but I don't want to hurt the guy. I try and convince myself that it is just my grieving that is making me think this way. And that he IS a good guy and loves me and I have a good thing. That I am wrong, that is what is keeping this thing going. I don't know what to do. I don't want to break up with him, but I don't want to be in a relationship with someone that I am not in love with. I am still in love with my husband, and I don't think that will EVER change. Is this grief that is doing this to me or should I still give this guy more time??? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2010): Hi
Your love for your husband will live on nobody can change that. You now have a new man who is different but is'nt that a good thing. He may well be a soul companion to help you through life through your grief. You can still love ,it does not take any love from your husband. I would guess that your new man is aware of your feelings anyway and yet still chooses to be with you and take care of you knowing he is second place. Respect and appreciate the love and comfort you have been given in such a despairing time...going it alone in grief will not make it any easier,
accept your life companion for now maybe he was sent to help.
wish you both well
A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (16 August 2010):
 Okay, this is a delicate thing to deal with. I'm very sorry for your loss.
I wouldn't say that it's "sooooo wrong", it's not a bad thing but, it's not a good thing either. It's just something normal.
You need to have somebody to love you, who doesn't? I think it's healthy that you have someone that makes you happy. You don't have to stop loving your husband but you have to be ready to give love to someone else (I'm not sure if I'm explaining that right).
What do you honestly feel you should do? You said that in your mind, you don't want to break up and this guy obviously loves you. In my opinion, more time is good, for both of you.
Good luck
I hope that helps.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (16 August 2010):
 I think you are still grieving. I would suggest you talk to your late husband at night. Ask him what he thinks about this new guy. He knows that you need love. He wants you to move on and start a new life.What happended is that you think there is no one who can measure up to your husband, so you attract guys who you think are not as good as your husband, to stay in the belief that he's the best and no one else. If you carry that belief "I would never find that again," the universe agrees with you and this is what you get. I hope you'll learn to appreciate this new guy's good qualities. He's not your husband but real love does no measuring and comparting. You might find that you are able to relax him a bit. He might teach you a few things about life. It's a huge committment to raise a family of three kids not of his own. He can't be too giving if he feels that your heart is not in him. I think you should give him time.
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