A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been friends with this guy for about a year. We're both in college. We used to stay up all night on the weekends, doing silly things or just hanging around watching movies, and we would talk on Facebook for hours. I am very solitary by nature and don't make friends easily but he was like the rare exception to the rule, I thought we hit it off really well, and enjoyed spending time with him a lot.We didn't talk much over the summer. I was afraid to contact him too much because I worried that I'd be bothering him. (For all that we seemed to have a good thing going, I had this constant, probably unfounded worry in the back of my head that I was annoying him when I initiated anything with him.) When he didn't initiate talk, weeks would go by without any contact. Over the fall, we talked more than we did over the summer, mostly due to hanging out with the same group of people, but there was a big difference from how it was when we were first friends. I guess part of it might have been caused by me pulling back, thinking "if he really wants to be friends, he will start things, and then I will know I'm not annoying him." But I think a bigger part of the change was that he got into drugs and found other, cooler friends (all guys - I don't think he actually likes girls very much) to hang out with.This has been distressing me for a while. We keep getting farther and farther apart. I don't know how much of it is in my head, or caused by me pulling away, and how much of it is caused by him losing interest in me. Also this friend has never said anything nice or positive about me to my face so now I'm beginning to wonder, why did he ever hang out with me in the first place? Did he like my company or did he just find me amusing to mentally poke fun at, or something? I don't know. I hurt a lot. :(In the last week or two I've gotten angry, feeling like I've been ditched for drugs and like he was never a good friend to begin with. I've blocked him on Facebook and been ignoring him as much as I can in real life but I don't know if it's the right thing to do. I feel as if the decent thing to do would be to at least talk to him, but I don't know how to do that. If he really doesn't care about me anymore and doesn't want to fix things, it wouldn't even do any good, it would just make things awkward. Your thoughts? Thanks for reading.
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (24 January 2013):
Hi. Yes, it probably is your best course of action now - to give him some space - as it seems like some kind of stage he is going through.
Perhaps he is taking these drugs to handle the stress of studying, and it helps him to chill out.
I'm not condoning his behaviour, just trying to understand where he's coming from, that's all.
Because, there are far better ways to handle stress.
Exercising is probably one of the best ways.
For instance:- Runnning, walking, swimming.
Then things like:- Yoga - that's very relaxing.
Another great way to handle a lot of studying, is to take regular breaks from it when you're at home.
Say work for 20 minutes - then take a 10-15 minute break - and do something else. Like go outside and enjoy some fresh air for that time, and drink some water and do some stretching exercises.
Or else, lie down and have a power nap for 5-10 minutes (no longer than that though), just to relax. Even if you don't fall asleep just keep your eyes closed and keep an eye on the clock - or set an alarm - so it doesn't become a full-on sleep, which you don't want.
These all help to balance out between work and play.
So the reason for his drug taking, could be partly to relieve stress, and partly just when he feels bored and doesn't know what else to do with his time.
I'm hoping, that this will NOT become a way of life to him, but that it is short-lived, and that he realizes for himself eventually, that it could very well destroy his life if he's not careful.
Hope this also helps.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much for your answer. I think you are right that he needs to be the one to reach out, if he's going to, so I'll try to let go of it for the time being. I appreciate the advice. :)
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (23 January 2013):
Hello again. It does seem that things have changed for him in a short time, doesn't it?
So it's possible that things might have started to change for him during the holidays between semesters, do you think?
And so it's nothing you have done wrong, by any means.
No, not at all.
So don't try and blame yourself in any way.
From what you have said here, when you were regularly seeing each other, you had some pretty good times together and enjoying yourselves, so it's not like you didn't get along, is it?
I'd say that either during the between semester holidays, or else once he returned for the fall semester, he made some new friends while socializing, and they are into the drug scene.
And drugs, spell trouble, believe me.
It changes people's moods and personalities, and can make them rather short tempered and very agitated over very tiny little things.
And they often tend to fly off the handle with anger, over practically nothing.
It could be very scary for anyone who is emotionally involved with someone like that, for sure.
People who take drugs on a regular basis, can also become violent and very unpredictable in their behaviour, so it might be a good thing you are not so much in contact with him now, because of the drug habit of his.
There's no point in trying to tell him what drugs can do to him, because it will only come across as nagging, unfortunately.
He will continue on doing it, until he realizes this for himself - if he ever does, that is.
And if he does keep on these drugs or lets them get out of control, it could just ruin his life altogether!
I suppose he realizes this, but no-one ever wants to accept that that's the truth, when it comes to something they seem to enjoy doing.
And because he has now got a much busier life with extra curricular activities etc., seeing his mates, plus the drugs, it seems like being in a relationship now, is of a rather low priority for him.
Well at least, he is making it seem pretty convincing, anyway.
All I can really suggest here if I was in your shoes, would be for you to take a step back from it, give him some space, and just kind of put it out of your mind for now, and get on with your own life and see your friends, go out and have fun together.
And just see with time, what he ends up doing, and whether he makes any special effort to talk to you, or ask you out and showing some signs of being the guy you knew before all these changes happened.
Only time will tell.
If you do see each other when you are out socializing, well then don't walk over to him to say hello, just if you make eye contact, smile - but that's all.
Let him come to you, if he's going to.
Keeping in mind here, that it is he who has changed, not you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Dorothy Dix, thank you for your reply. I'll try to make the situation clearer:We met in person at college. Last year, throughout the spring semester, we saw each other and talked on nearly a daily basis (at the cafeteria, etc.) and we would also spend more time together, sometimes in a small group of friends and sometimes one-on-one, on probably a weekly basis. We used to stay up late nearly every Friday or Saturday night, sometimes finally going to bed at 6 in the morning the next day. During that time we'd watch movies or silly cartoons, or we would talk about just about any subject. In addition to the time we spent together, we would talk on Facebook once or twice a week, sometimes for hours at a time. It seemed (I thought) like we had the potential to become good friends.Ever since the fall semester started, back in August, we stopped spending nearly so much time together, and we haven't spent any one-on-one time at all. We still see each other several times a week, sometimes every day, due to having the same group of friends, but it isn't the same. I pulled back a little bit, fearing that I might be annoying him or coming on too strong. He got busy with classes and extracurriculars, and he also discovered illicit drugs I pulled back farther, and stopped initiating contact. He still tries to initiate conversation sometimes when we happen to be together in person, but he doesn't go out of his way to see me or anything, and any closeness we were beginning to have is gone. We haven't even talked on Facebook in a couple of months, at this point. I miss him and the situation hurts terribly.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (23 January 2013):
Hi there. I am getting mixed messages from you here, regards the status of your relationship.
And by that, I mean, you are or were in contact quite a lot by Facebook, talking to each other.
And then you only sometimes seem to be actually seeing each other in person.
The question I have now, is how often did you see each other - before now?
Did you mainly only speak to each other via Facebook?
And if so, was that because you live too far away from each other?
Or did you meet in person, and then got into the habit of talking mainly only on Facebook?
The real question I am asking here is, is it or was it a regular relationship where you see each other at least once or twice a week, every single week?
Or, if not, how often did you see each other?
If you can make this clear for me, then I will have more information to be able to help you.
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