A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Have I been immature or was I acting unreasonably? I had a best friend of 6 years and we haven't spoken in 7 months after an unexpected fallout.We were very close before and she was like a sister to me; we really trusted/loved each other. We would never fight or get into disagreements. This is also the first time we've fallen out.I'd been at university for the past 3 years before last year, and I only moved back to my hometown (where my friend also lives) over the summer. We had been talking less and less because she could no longer visit me at university, and I couldn't travel down either because of financial reasons. We would still talk on the phone, though.She messaged me at the beginning of Summer asking to meet, and we met up and had a nice time. Our birthdays are later in the year (they are a month apart) and we discussed what we were going to do for them as we do every year. I also asked what she wanted this year as I always plan out her birthday present. After we met up, I would reach out sporadically asking if she wanted to meet again, and she would commit to plans and when the date came, go out with her other group of friends and ignore my texts. I texted her asking if I'd done something wrong because we were distant, and she said no "life just gets in the way sometimes", which I understood. And she apologised for the late replies.In September, she texted me that we were still doing our birthdays together, and that she was going on holiday with her boyfriend so was going to miss my birthday, but when she came back we would celebrate both our birthdays at the same time in November. But I didn't hear from her when she came back- she posted on social media her going out with her other friends for her birthday. She didn't acknowledge my birthday when it came around, either. I then sent her a message because I was quite upset. I will admit I was a bit OTT, but I was upset because I felt betrayed and I didn't want our friendship to end in just ghosting. I basically told her that I wish her all the best and thank you for being friends these years. But I know we're no longer best friends. I thought it was a nice closure message.She didn't reply to the message and only saw it weeks later. And we haven't spoken since then. But I heard from a mutual friend that she's blamed me for this, saying I "ended the friendship." She's apparently hurt, because I "didn't love her enough to wait for her" and that she thought we were such good friends that we could do whatever to each other and still remain friends." Is this my fault? I am really confused and sad. Thank you in advance.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (10 April 2023):
 Sometimes it happens. Who's at fault it is unimportant.
It sounds a bit like YOU became her fallback option. Someone to make plans with until she got a better offer.
I would just leave it be.
Who knows maybe she will grow up.
My guess is that there is some jealousy because you got to leave to go off to school, and she didn't. That turned into a bit of resentment.
It's heartbreaking to "lose" a friend but you will meet new people and make more friends.
Her actions made you CHOOSE to not continue. And that is OK.
Let her go.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2023): I think time and distance are at fault. People's lives sometimes move in different directions and they meet new friends and start relationships that change the dynamic of other existing relationships.
You were teenagers when you first became friends, and now you're adults; and life has changed your ways and attitudes respectively. Friendships do sometimes have an expiration-date, and they may not run as strong as they used to; because you're now older, and other influences from new contacts and relationships change our lives. Things don't stay the same; even if the friendship survives a lifetime.
It is most disheartening to lose a long-time friend; because sometimes they feel more like family. If you hit an irreparable snag that no-one is willing to let bygones be bygones; then it's best to leave it alone, move-on, and anything said thereafter doesn't matter. If you can't get past grudges and resentment; it doesn't matter who is to blame, just move on. Keep the best of your memories.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (8 April 2023):
 Not sure if this is anyone's "fault" - or whether attributing fault is going to help in any way - but it may help you to google "Friend for a reason, friend for a season, friend for life". This explains very well (in my opinion) the different types of friendships. Sounds like yours was one of the "season" type.
If someone really cares and wants to meet up with you, they will make it happen. If not, they will make excuses. At some point you have to draw a line under it, which you did. I suspect you hoped your message would make your friend protest and would repair your friendship. Sadly, it didn't, and you need to accept that.
Sad as it is - and I really do understand how heartbreaking this is, as I fell out with a very close friend nearly 20 years ago and miss her to this day - you need to understand that this friendship has run its course. Keep the good memories in your heart and move on. You will make new friends.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (8 April 2023):
Test
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2023): I would have felt and reacted the same as you but that does not mean it was best. Your friend now has other friends, whether you like it or not they are more important to her now, this may be for purely practical reasons such as it being easier, quicker to meet up, rather than because she likes them more. Your friend is a pragmatist. She chooses the option that gives her the least problems etc. I think she was wrong to not make a fuss of your birthday even if it did not involve meeting up, and that would have been easy to do, but she is putting her efforts into other things now and you have become the back burner plan b option. Yes you were right to be upset by that, and to be angry, but it was not wise to tell her, it just made her feel far more important and made you look needy.
She will now decide that where she had you as option B because you can be difficult and react in ways that don't suit her you are now plan C or redundant.
But if you had chosen the other option of twiddling your thumbs waiting for her all the time and always fitting in with what she wants you would also seem needy - desperate - too obliging - no life etc. In a way you could not win unless you do the same thing she does.
Have her as a plan B or C friend and make more of everything else in your life.
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