A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I need some opinions and advice, as I am so stressed.My spouse owns her own business and since I met her over half a decade ago, her business has been rocky to the point that some months, she doesn't even take home a paycheck at all. The problem is, she has an insanely expensive life. Before we met, she purchased the house we live in, which is huge and very expensive. And she has maxed out credit cards and student loan debt she accrued before we met that she pays hundreds of dollars on per month. She also has a 60 thousand dollar vehicle which costs $700 per month, two kids that have lots of extra curricular activities, and she takes a plethora of medication that also costs hundreds of dollars a month. Needless to say, she has roughly a 5 thousand dollar a month life, on, at best, a 2 thousand dollar a month income. Meanwhile, I have no student loans, no credit card debt, my car is fully paid off in cash, and I require the absolute bare minimum financially. I'm a meticulous planner of finances, but since living with her, I've been unable to budget because of her unstable job. So because of all this, I therefore have had to work myself to literal death for 5 years to keep this family afloat. Otherwise, we'd have gone bankrupt years ago. I even had a stroke back in 2019 that I attribute to how hard I worked to pay for all the bills. I took one week off and then went right back to work. I feel so resentful of her unstable job and resentful of all of her expenses. 80% of our bills come from her, yet she only brings in about 20% of our income. And this might fly for some couples, but that's not what we agreed on when we met. I overworked myself half to death instead, and she just let me do it. I don't know how to stop feeling this resentment. I didn't sign up for this. I signed up for an equal partnership and that's not what I got. Am I wrong and how do I fix this?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2023): She has not got a mental illness, goodness knows where that came from, people are not mentally ill simply because we do not understand or approve of their thoughts and actions. Only a qualified therapist would be able to say if she is or not, and they would need to spend a fair bit of time talking to her first. She is immature, selfish and irresponsible, lots of people are, but you chose her.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2023): I believer your wife is suffering from mental-illness and may need a psych-evaluation. There's something going-on here that goes beyond just sitting-down and talking about it. You're up to your necks in debt; and recovery is unlikely when there isn't sufficient income to cover it. You didn't mention if there is equity in the house that might pay-off some of the credit card debt, or put a dent in her student loan balance. If your credit-ratings hit rock bottom, even an equity loan may not be possible. If you've co-signed on any loans with your spouse, it's not just her problem; it's yours too! Even financial advisors are of little help when you have bad-credit and have defaulted on debt.
You didn't take any of this into account when you married this woman. It didn't just happen out of the blue, patterns are evident from the start; and it seems you decided to overlook some blaring red-flags like extravagance, possible narcissism; and the fact the lady was deep in debt, and wasn't earning the money to cover her flamboyant life-style. She may have married you hoping you'd bail her out.
My advice? Get a lawyer! Protect your own credit and any assets you have. Make sure you don't end-up like many guys who marry into debt; and wind-up inheriting it through a divorce.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2023): Sounds very selfish to me. Suggest you ask your employer to pay your wage into your own account and start separating out your finances. If she wants to spend so much, she'll have to earn it. You should not be working yourself to death to pay for her lavish lifestyle. Suggest you speak to a lawyer about how you can separate yourself financially from her.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 April 2023):
 Sit her down with a financial planner/advisor. Make some REALISTIC budgets.
Ask her to STICK to them.
If the planner says to SELL the car, she sells the car. Buy a cheaper one.
Consider downsizing the house if it's too expensive, now IS a good time to sell, but not so great to buy though.
Tell her you can NO longer carry the financial burden of paying 80% of the household costs. She has to step up.
However, with all that said, have you no say in things? Do you just let her steamroll you? Do you never say no?
Seems like there is more going on here.
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