A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:HiI need some peoples advice on a situation because I feel myself going crazy!I've been with my boyfriend for just over 4 years, all was going great up until summer of last year...I noticed he started acting really strange at the end of summer last year, started sleeping in our living room because he had a "bad back" and couldn't sleep in our bed...he started panicking and worrying about silly things, he failed a major project at uni, and then got obsessed with the idea he might have HIV...(we have both had a hiv test and are all clear) ...there is an actual phobia you can be worried that you might have hiv...a bit like a cancer phobia... I was of course supportive and told him id be there for him if he did have it .. But reassured him he definitely doesn't have it ..he had the test and it came back negative....he then had it again because he was worried it was wrong...negative again.... This soon had my suspicions why he was so obsessed.Few months later he was still acting funny , not sleeping with me etc generally things didn't feel right...then christmas. Christmas was great, New Years wasn't...on New Year's Eve when we got home..I found him on the sofa balling his eyes out crying.. It then all came out"First of all I didn't do anything" he told meHe explained that in the summer of last year...and this still makes me cringe everytime I think of it... He was in a public toilet and apparantly some guy with a phone was playing with his "banjo" down there... My bf then said he looked at him and he came over and started playing with both of theirs...my bf said after a few seconds he backed away and said sorry and realised what he was about to do was wrong. .........and because of this really small stupid mistake he has acted like this since then up until he told me last New Years..he apparantly was wth a friend out in Brighton and this was not planned...during the day...I have since become obsessed with this since he told me, but he thinks I've forgiven him and it's all ok. But I keep thinking abut it and getting huge moments of rage. I sometimes bring it up randomly and he gets "hurt and offended" that I bring it up.I guess what I really need is a clear thoug on this ....I want to know do he really cheat? Ad why get so worked up on something so small? Like the hiv test? Which he then admitted he had because he thought he might of caught hiv from this guy (even tho the doctor thought he was nuts for thinking a 3 second hand job could transmit that) - then I think maybe he isn't telling the truth - maybe he went further ad this was a test to see how bad I'd take it? Either way I feel disgusted at how I happens"d, I don't feel anywhere as inlove with him as I did.... I also keep bringing it up to which he then gta angry with me and thinks I shouldn't have a right to ask him the questions anymore..even tho he knows I still hurt....also his dad is a cheater on multiple women... Not that it at all matters..my elks me he will never do it gain because of te pain he saw it inflict on me..will he do it again? Is it even cheating?! I'm going nuts!Opinions please.Apologies for the long articleA
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christmas, hand-job, hiv Reply to this Question
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male
reader, yum yum  +, writes (31 October 2013):
 Hi, It sounds like to me that he's definitely gay and in the closet. It seems that he is struggling to accept that he could be Gay.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2013): It sounds like its over, sad but I went through this and it made me more and more unhappy...you can loose yourself.
He sounds like there is more, guilt there, he hasn't told you everything.
Sounds like he could use some help too!
If you were both willing you could work with a counsellor and you then you have tried.
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A
female
reader, KC12  +, writes (19 October 2013):
 That definitely counts as cheating, and I think he's not telling you the whole story.
You have every right to ask questions, and even more of a right to just leave the situation. His anger is akin with a cheater blaming their spouse for their activity. It's irrational, and just trying to blanket the issue.
Also, rage problems can lead to abuse.
I would get out of this situation fast.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 October 2013):
 Yes, giving a guy in a bathroom a wank and/or allowing a guy in a bathroom to give you a wank is cheating. Who would argue differently?
And it does seem odd that a 3 second encounter would wind up with him so fearful of HIV and behaving so oddly for months. Maybe there is more to the story than he revealed. I would worry about that, honestly.
The cheater should know that the one cheated on does still get to ask questions, but only if the cheatee isn't having his own obsessive and irrational thought processes that lead to a rage. The cheater should be aware that a certain transparency is now expected of him to show the cheatee that the same thing won't happen again.
So, back to your question, a handjob in a restroom is cheating. I have no idea if he's learned his lesson. Have you sought help for your rage? Did you get couples counseling? No? Then GO, if you want to set things back on the right path. Otherwise I see you two going through these same circumstances time and again as you are both stuck in a pattern.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (18 October 2013):
 I agree with Honeypie. HIV is spread when fluids come in contact with fluids. Was there deep kissing? Petting? Masturbating by rubbing penises together? It doesn't have to be anal sex to be cheating. The fact that he received sexual gratification from someone who isn't you is complete and utter cheating.
He's having buyer's remorse, but that doesn't mean he didn't cheat. The fact that it was with another man doesn't mean that it wasn't any less cheating than if it was with a prostitute or random anonymous woman. This also says that he is curious about other men's bodies. I know that if my husband or brother saw a guy playing with his "banjo", he wouldn't start up conversation with the guy! No, this was planned. This bathhouse is a setup for random gay encounters. He went there SPECIFICALLY to see what would happen. Seriously. Just because he chickened out at any state doesn't mean he didn't go there to cheat. That's why the fear of AIDS. The very bathhouse he went to is a hotbed of sexual activity. The residue of 100 men's fluids are there.
You need to open your eyes on this one. He has gay tendencies. They brought them to the bathhouse. It was no accident. He hasn't come all the way clean.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 October 2013):
 I would call it cheating too, even if he felt remorse and guilt doesn't mean he didn't cheat and honestly, seems like he felt more worried about the potential STD/HIV then having a random hand-job (which I think he went a lot further with if he was THAT scared of HIV).
When you said he was with a friend in Brighton - do you mean he was WITH him/her sexually? Or what? Did I misunderstand that part?
Because if he was with more then one person he KNEW he was cheating on you again, and he STILL did it.
Personally, I don't think he has ANY RIGHT to be mad at you for asking questions, you are after all not looking to torture him with it but to try and make sense of it.
For me, this would be a total deal breaker.
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A
female
reader, angel91 +, writes (18 October 2013):
Personally, I would say yes - it was cheating. It was something that should only be shared between the two of you, but he did it with someone else. He knew it was wrong, otherwise he wouldn't have pulled away, nor would he have felt so uneasy about it all afterwards.However, you need to get over it and get on with it. You need to sit down and have one final chat - if you can't get over it and forgive him properly (not just pretend to), you need to go your own way and move on with someone else. You can't pretend everything's ok, but continue to ask him about it. Yes, he did wrong, but he doesn't need a constant reminder of it in that way. I know what it's like - for a long time I couldn't get over something my fiance did, and it took a huge toll on our realtionship. Now that I've moved past it, we're better than ever.Noone will know if he will ever do it again or not, but everyone has different opinions. Some will say once a cheater always a cheater, some will say there's always a chance of change. It all comes down to your trust. Do you trust him? Do you believe him when he says it won't happen again? Does he have the willpower to turn down any situation which may come up in future?
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