A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm 22 and sort of independent although I still live with my mother and father. I have begun to have horrible anxiety about their safety. I feel guilty leaving the house because I feel like I'm leaving my mom alone (she's self-employed) and my dad is really busy at work and gets distracted on the road a lot (he sort of texts and drives or calls and drives a lot) and that makes his driving sloppy. I'm constantly on edge that my parents will get hurt in a car accident (god forbid) or something bad will happen to them. So I offer to drive my mom a lot and I constantly tell my dad not to text and drive carefully.My fears are probably irrational because they've driven me to and from school since I was a kid and they've been driving longer than I have and nothing major has ever happened. I do suffer from anxiety and take medication but sometimes I get really worried about them because they are becoming older (early fifties). Should I stop worrying?? My younger teenage sister doesn't really ever give it a second thought.I guess the root of the problem is that my father does drink a good amount and sometimes even gets behind the wheel after some wine (at a party or something). I guess this is a normal part of growing up and "leaving the nest?" Please advise. Thank you!
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (2 July 2014):
 I don't think it's that normal... I mean, yes , we all know rationally that every single time a loved one gets out of the door that may be the last time we see him / her... what with traffic accidents... airplane accidents... violent crime... terrorist attacks... everything...
Unluckily, shit DOES happen, I have a friend who lost a 10 y.o. son in a ski accident, and another who lost her brother just because he happened to be in the wrong bank at the wrong time, during an armed robbery.
The thing is, if we allowed to keep these considerations in the forefront of our minds, we just could not live and function anymore, the anxiety would be overwhelming and paralyzing. So, in general, we comfort ourselves with the thought that statistically there's an excellent chance of them coming home safe and unharmed ( but never the total certainty ) and we just keep out fingers crossed, hope for the best and go on normally about our business , focusing our thoughts on something else.
If we want to go Freudian, that's interesting, because often anxiety over a loved one is masked aggression. Like , you have some old beef with your parents, some deep seated subconscious axe to grind with them, some unexplored and unresolved NEGATIVE feelings. But, since having negative feelings toward a close family member is considered " bad " , you feel the need to punish yourself for your unacceptable " mean " thoughts by giving yourself anguish under the guise of a legitimate, socially acceptable concern, i.e. the opposite, an excessive preoccupation with their well being.
No psychological theory is scientifically irrefutable, but I think there may be some truth in this. Curiously enough, I have often noticed as the most anxious , hyperprotective mothers are just those who suffered more for the changes to their life brought on by the birth of their children, and resented more the lack of freedom, extra work etc. Since these aren't PC thoughts, you are never supposed to think even flightly " I was better off when baby wasn't here " !,because that's almost as wishing him /her dead, ... mom punishes herself by driving herself nuts about baby's health and safety.
Food for thought :) Mull it over , if you wish. Of course, these apprehensive thoughts might be simply one more expression and manifestation of your anxiety disorder, which is being managed with meds, but perhaps has not been sufficiently explored , nor had its real roots unhearthed , in therapy. Not that this is s an easy feat. It may take time effort and patience to change things. Are you also seeing getting counseling , beside taking meds ?
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