A
female
age
41-50,
*ikkyr
writes:Please tell me what is acceptable behaviour for a man in a committed relationship. You meet a bunch of drunk girls out, you talk, you have photos taken, you laugh and have a party. A girl is standing with her hand on your leg while she turns around to order a drink at the bar. She is single, you are not. Where is the boundary? As a man what is the appropriate way to deal with this? At what point does this flirtation cross the line? Similiar scenerio ... Instead this time, a girl 'slips' her business card into your pocket? Another scenario ... A girl pinches your backside?Another scenario ... A girl randomly tells you that you are hot?All these are very real situations that apparently happen to my boyfriend when he is out on the town. Im insanely jealous and insecure about it. He is an everage looking guy but seems to have woman falling all over him. I have said that the situation is getting ridiculous. Is it really possible for one guy to be propositioned that many times???? My worry is what he is doing to cause these girls to think that they can do this ... Or am I naive and there really are a bunch of sex crazed woman out there looking for the next man to get their claws into???
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, rambini  +, writes (22 April 2010):
 I see you asked this question too:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-know-my-rage-is-out-of-control.html
To be honest it sounds like regardless of whether other people feel his behaviour is objectively acceptable or not, the fact remains that it is clearly upsetting you and affecting your relationship.
you need to have a serious talk with him if you want anything to change. if he wont change then you have to either accept his behaviour and live with it, or make the decision to leave and find someone who makes you feel special.
good luck!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2010): Am in a similar situation where my husband keeps on having these women chasing after him. He is very average looking, not wealthy at all.... but yet there are all these women.....
The truth of the matter - he literally charms the pants off them.... makes out he is single and very available... gives off all the signals.....
Sorry to say but your man is cheating on you or thinking of cheating on you...
And the rest of my story.... we are currently separated pending the divorce.
I refuse to be second best....
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (22 April 2010):
 Well let me describe a real scenario that happened to me once:
Whilst out on a date with my boyfriend at the time, a waitress walked over to me with a glass of wine and placed it on my table - I had not ordered this so I told her and she responded with "It is from the gentleman at the bar, he has also asked me to give you this (hands me his business card). I was utterly mortified as I had not been with my boyfriend long and could not believe a man would have the cheek to send a glass of wine over with his business card!
Now I think you are generalising a bit much here, as you can see both men and women are very flirtatous and some are pretty brave when it comes to chatting people up and getting attention (as you can see from the story above). So it is definitely possible that your boyfriend is just attracting unwanted attention from girls and he cannot really help it!
I mean grabbing backsides is quite common when you are out in bars and clubs, both men and women do it and they are just being very cheeky and quite forwards. You cant really stop someone from doing it to you (even though I find it totally disrespectful!) but the main thing is that you dont react to it - if your boyfriend has been turning round and chatting to the girl because she pinched his bum then that is definitely wrong. Also, someone telling you that you are hot - again you cannot stop another person complimenting you! It does happen, to both men and women, but again the main thing is just to respond with "oh thank you, but I am actually in a relationship and I'm just out to have a good time with friends" (or something along those lines - as long as you do not start a flirtation back with that person).
"slipping" a business card into a pocket is slightly different - that would indicate to me that they had been talking, flirting and she wanted him to contact her, I very much doubt this would randomly happen although judging by what happened to me in that bar - anything could happen!
It sounds to me from your first paragraph about having photos taken with other girls and women touching his leg whilst ordering a drink means that your boyfriend is a massive flirt and really likes attention from women. You dont end up in photos with other girls you have just met unless you have been flirting and partying together. But theoretically if all he is doing is flirting and enjoying the attention but not taking things further (i.e. kissing or sex or meeting up with them again etc) then really it is quite difficult to say if he is doing something wrong.
I guess it depends on what you are comfortable with? I know I personally would not really care if my boyfriend had some girl come up to him and tell him he was hot, nor would I care if someone grabbed his bum. But I would start to get a little bothered if he was getting other girl's numbers, if he was in photos with random girls he had met on nights out...that sort of thing. But I think this boundary you are talking about is very personal - what is the boundary for one person may not even be something to think about for another.
So you need to decide what you are happy with, and what makes you feel uncomfortable. You need to make a bit of an allowance for these flirty, desperate girls who will throw themselves at men - but it is how your boyfriend reacts to their attention is the main thing. You need to tell your boyfriend if his actions are making you uncomfortable and tell him what you will not tolerate.
There is no point in asking us what sort of behaviour is acceptable in a relationship because it differs for everyone. Some people could forgive a drunken kiss when you are on a night out, for others that would mean the relationship is over. What matters is what feels right for YOU, and if his behaviour makes you unhappy then it is not acceptable, simple as that. It is not a sign of a committed relationship based on love and respect when one party is miserable because of the other's behaviour. Talk to him about this and tell him he needs to change his ways!
I hope this helps and good luck!
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