A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:How can you tell if your being emoitionly and verbely abused by your partner? my bfs bestfriend wich is now also my bestfriend asked me how do i put up with the abuse but i dint know i was? My boyfriend does call me names some times and yells at me alot and swears at me if i upset him or dont do what he says he says he wont talk to me for the day and has little pationce with me when im mad at him he some times turns it back around on me . I just turned 18 and he is 2 years older than me. Iv been with him for a year and love him. I thought that he just has anger issuies his mom drank when she was pregnant with him and i learned in parenting it can make them have bad temper. I ask him to be sweeter but itdoesnt am i being abused or does he just have a temper? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, hushkitty420 +, writes (17 May 2012):
Honey, I'm sorry. You need to leave him. There are (EXTREMELY) rare instances where the guy can "change" this behavior - but it isn't just gonna happen cuz you want it to. My first real boyfriend hit me - I didn't think much of it because I'm 6ft (so was he) and it didn't hurt me as much as those girls you see on TV. He hit me for the same reasons... I annoyed him, didn't keep my mouth shut, etc etc... even when I told myself it was his fault I still told myself that I should have done something different to stop it from getting that far. Flashback: I had JUST turned 18 a week prior to this... any my boyfriend had his own place that I helped him get and stayed at as much as my parents would let me (which wasn't much lol). Some girl called his house phone and did the hang-up game with me. I of course figured she was seeing him so I confronted him at our work outside. I was a tiny bit upset, yelling and what-not... he called me a ^^ing b-word (I can't STAND being called that cuz I go out of my way to not be one, and he KNEW that and the other words were no-no's!). So out of reflex and rage I slapped him. Straight-up. Nothing fancy, just Smack! He in turn, punched me closed fist right in the neck. I lost my footing and fell. I'm down and boo-hooing, he's yelling furiously, and a customer saw it all and called the cops. Bum bum bummmmm.... they came and took both our statements. We told them what happened up til the point where he hit me. I told them he shoved me away and I slipped. Since my whole face was red from crying they couldn't prove that he hit my neck. We were both hauled "downtown". I was freaking out a bit because my Mom and Dad would have gone off the deep end if they knew what happened... Thankfully since I was over 18 they didn't tell my parents... however they did "accidently" mess up my court papers and put my first name and boy friend's last name on the envelope... my Mom saw it and about had a stroke thinking I had eloped so she opened it and found out anyway.We ended up playing the court games until everything expired and he continued to hit my body and slap my face (he also abused our poor pets) until he finally had to move away due to financial reasons. ALL that being said, it isn't something unusual - but it IS something unacceptable. You should never raise a hand to anyone (short of spanking your kids lol -in a parenting way! I don't want to get hate mail saying I approve child beating, because I don't!) and being a female you should NEVER have any man raise a hand to you. It shows his weakness. Grown-ups should be able to control themselves in situations that could end in anger. The only exception that I can think of is if someone has hurt a child or family member and you pretty much go crazy. (Lets face it, the legal system doesn't always do enough justice). Best of luck hun, keep your family and (true) friends very close.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2012): Neither of those things are acceptable. NEITHER OF THEM!Everyone gets angry and it's alright to vent, but if your temper is flaring and you are lashing out verbally treating the other person in that kind of abusive manner, they need some serious help. Sometimes its something serious and sometimes it's lack of maturity, upbringing and needing to grow up and learn how to handle stresses more appropriately and how to handle when someone upsets you more appropriately. If he is willing to be seen by a doctor to explain how he is behaving, you can rule out or rule in a medical problem and go from there....I personally would not stay with a man who esculates his anger, even to the level you are talking about. He and he alone is responsible for his actions and there is nothing you could ever do to make it better, fix it or anything. Take care of yourself and be strong to get out of this. Please understand that it is NOT normal for your partner to call you names, to yell at you and to blame you for whatever. If at any time you feel threatened, get out fast and tell your parents or a trusted older adult friend. I understand you love him, but love is not what you are living with this particular guy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2012): Sounds like he is being abusive to you. Just because there is a reason for why he's abusive, doesn't mean it's not still abuse.Just because he has a bad temper doesn't mean that it's OK for him to be abusive. It doesn't mean that the exact same behavior from a different person that would be classified as abuse but because it comes from him and there's a "reason" why he's this way, that it isn't abuse when he does it.abusive behavior is abusive behavior regardless of the origin of it. It's not his fault that his default behavior is to be abusive. But it is his fault for not proactively changing himself (which is hard work) if he is choosing to get into relationships with other people.but here is where you come in. if you're with him and you tolerate and accept his abusive behavior, then you're showing him that it's OK with you, even if you SAY it isn't. Actions speak louder than words. If you keep telling him his behavior is not OK with you, yet you continue to stick around with him when he does it, then you're all talk and no walk.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (16 May 2012):
 You are being emotionally and verbally abused if you are experiencing this from your boyfriend:
* you are called nasty names
* he raises his voice and yells at you frequently
* he swears at you
* he blames you for his negative emotions
* he tries to control your behavior
There are many other signs of abuse, please read that checklist that birdynumnums provided.
You deserve to be treated better. Let him work out his own problems on another victim. You deserve better. Really, you do.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (16 May 2012):
 Here's a checklist that might help you figure out if you are being abused.
http://www.familyshelterservice.org/what-is-abuse/assess-your-situation/
You are a very young girl and your future is ahead of you. PLEASE consider that you are responsible for yourself first and foremost. Many people have left boyfriends for less problems than what you describe here, and you may feel sorry for his fate and want to mother him and take care of him. I would urge you to take care of yourself and consider the fact that you may be sacrificing not only your own future; but possibly the future of you own children if you stay with him. It's not selfish to leave him. This is what happens when you "date" - you try on another partner and see if you fit well together - and if you don't you move on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2012): He is abusing you verbally. If he ever hits you, tell your friend or parents right away. Do not stay with a man who hits you. There are boys out there who are sweet and wont call you names and treat you well. Wouldnt that be better?
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (16 May 2012):
 There are many speculations on how alcohol affects the baby, the most serious problem being fetal alcohol syndrome besides low birth weight. Not every drunken mother gives birth to one with that, but alcohol certainly does not do any good. He is both abusive and has a bad temper. Everyone has a temper but we do not lose it on a daily basis. You should not stay with a man with either abusive tendencies or frequent bad temper. More love could not change him. Becoming his mother that he never had could not change him.
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