A
female
age
51-59,
*etherby
writes:I have been with my husband for 12 years married for 7. In that time we have had a few problems and have split twice for short periods of time for stupid petty things, the last time being Oct 11 but i was thrilled that we got back together on new years day.I thought things were going well and we were getting on great.Then in March i was looking for a site i had saved on my favourites and on the history tab i found a site called trannydating that he had joined i got really upset and spoke to my husband about it. He said his head was in bits anad he didn't know why he had gone on it, I have always known that he had a fetish for silk but i thought that was as far as it went.I couldn't get it off my mind so i sent him a email thinking it maybe easier for him to explain by replying to me which he did assuring me he wasn't gay.I was very relieved at hearing this but since then i have found that he has been watching porn of transvestites and has joined other transvestite/crossdesser sites.I have tried to get him to talk to me but he won't i feel so confused, really hurt and very lonely. I really don't know which way to turn or who to speak to. I love him so much but don't know how much longer i can put up with his behaviour i think he may be in self denial. Please help
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2012): A reply from a tranny:Before even going to any details, let us examine the difference between biological identity, sexual identity, sexual preference, and emotional preference. Biological identity is physical build of a person - and it boils dowmn to does he have a penis or a vagina. Sexual identity is how one person actually sees oneself regardless of his biological build. Sexual preference on the other hand just tells you someone's preference in bed. And if I may add another category, one may probably have an emotional preference as well. This may change as one may change preferences in food, books to read, places to go etc. We also have cross-dressers and that just means what is says, a person who likes dressing up as the opposite sex. Having said these, one category usually has nothing to do with the other. In addition, I would also try to avoid using "gay" or "straight" because for some people the terms would refer sexual identity while for others it may refer to sexual and/or emotional preference.Your husband being a member of a tranny dating site can mean several things. He could be a crossdresser and is just fascinated with how biological males are able to transform themselves to women. It could also mean that he is actually interested sexually or emotionally with trannies and that he may have purely sexual or more emotionally intimate encounters. It could also mean that he really feels like a woman trapped in a man's body.I have had several sexual encounters with men and have casually asked them questions. Most of them admit that the male genitalia actually turns them on but it has to be in a females body. They cringe at the thought of having sex with "guy" guys. If we would use our terms above, his sexual preference at that moment is with transsexuals. This has nothing to do with how he sees himself or what his emotional preference is. There are also a few guys who I've been with who like dressing up as girls when we have sex. This would make them crossdressers and have a sexual preference with trannies as well. However, none of them actually consider themselves women trapped in men's bodies. Which means they still identify with the male sex.Knowing the above mentioned, should you be worried about your marriage with your husband? If the issue is he likes crossdressing, then that's probably the least worrisome. Just think of it as someone wanting to dress up in a female costume during Holloween. This could probably spice up your marriage. You can role play or help him dress. I know this could be really uncomfortable. To be honest, I feel uncomfortable when a guy I have sex with starts mentioning fantasies of dressing up as a girl. It's just not my thing. But who knows, it might be exciting for you.If the issue is him actually identifying with the female sex (woman trapped in a man's body), that may be something you have to discuss and talk about for both your happiness. It is really no one's fault because he feels differently. If you were actually married in the Catholic Church, this is one of the very few reasons the marriage can be annulled.Personally, what I think is happening is he is just exploring other sexual outlets and maybe something different between a "woman's" legs turns him on. All of the guys I've hung out with would probably never leave their girlfriends or wives. It is probably just a fetish for them. Purely physical and sexual. Should this end your marriage. I do not think so.However, cheating is still cheating, whether he hooked up with a girl, a guy or a tranny.So my advice is, try to figure out your husband's issue; does it involve his sexual identity, his sexual preference, his emotional preference or something totally different. Once you have discussed the issues, maybe both of you can reach some resolution and understanding of each other. It may even make your relationship deeper even if it ends up you having to be separated (assuming he identifies as being a woman trapped in a man's body and decides to leave the marriage)This may not be much of a help, but it might be good to hear it a tranny's point of view..I wish you well and all the best
A
female
reader, K-vent  +, writes (16 December 2012):
Hello. I just now read this post and I can tell you......we are in the same sinking ship. My husband told me he was transoriented about 2 months after we were married. He was in Jersey visiting family so he texted me a website to look at and then would not answer my calls when I freaked out. Theres so much to the story and it would take too much time to write it all down.
I am still trying to accept it and since I am perimenopausal, I can go from "eh, no big deal." to "he is a disgusting schmuck"
Feel free to respond to me when you can and if you ever want to talk about it, we can find a way of communicating off this forum site.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (24 May 2012):
Hi. Yes, it must be incredibly frustrating for you the way things are right now, and him becoming defensive when you were not really criticizing him, at the time.
People often do become defensive when they are hiding something, or at least so it seems.
They get touchy and a bit agitated, as another important person in their life gets really close to the mark, if you get what I mean.
It's really hard to know for sure, what is going on with him - short of coming home unexpectedly one day and finding him wearing some of your your clothes, or your lingerie - and that may never happen.
It could even be some kind of curiosity that is somehow driving this behaviour of his, but who really knows for sure?
Well, I guess he probably knows - maybe.
I really don't see how he thinks that visiting a transexual dating site is going to improve your marriage.
It escapes me, how he can think that.
But who is to really know how a man's mind works sometimes, in weak moments. Or bored moments.
Well at least it's not that he is having an affair with another woman, I guess. That would be heaps worse.
Or would it?
It doesn't seem that this problem of his is going away anytime soon, from what you have said here today.
He could be in denial, or maybe he's confused about who he really is. That's not as strange as you might think.
You can call him to that - "He wanted to try and make your marriage work" - and simply ask him straight out a very direct question.
The question you need to ask him is - "You said the other day, that you wanted to make our marriage work. In what way do you believe our marriage is not working?
It is a very direct question, which requires a very direct answer.
This will be your golden opportunity to find out for sure.
Even if he seems to go - "... Ah, ... Ah," - and hesitates in answering (because he is thinking of what it is that he's not quite happy with), at least you are going to get some dialogue going between you, which will bring up some stuff possibly, and get you somewhat closer to where you want to be. It's going to bring some answers to the table.
And this is what you want.
You can't even begin working on a problem, unless you know clearly what that problem is, precisely.
You can't proceed in any direction, unless you at least have an idea of where you are going.
Once you know what he is unsatisfied with, well then you can both begin working on that together.
And only then, can you both bring about some positive changes, that will bring more happiness and contentment into your household once again.
And this is truly what you both want.
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A
female
reader, wetherby +, writes (23 May 2012):
wetherby is verified as being by the original poster of the question Just a quick update my husband made a comment the other day regaurding this subject the other day over something that came up on the radio i added my comment and straight away he went on the defensive and said their you go again having a pop at me. Which i found funny as i wasn't but it gave me the opportunity to tell him that it has been eating away at me because he wont talk about it. Anyway the outcome being that he doesn't consider joining a dating site i cheating and tried to say that he was trying to make our marriage work but seemed more worried about what other people would think if they found out rather than how hurt and cheated i feel with what he has put me though.
I have come to the conclusion that he is in self denial and unless he can admit to himself and to me that he is a closet crossdresser/transvestite then i can't see how our marriage can continue.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (19 May 2012):
Hi. Well then I guess you are going to have to gently ask him if he is happy.
When you are talking generally about anything at all, and casually ask him something like - "You don't seem very happy anymore. Is there anything worrying you?"
And you could mention that he hasn't been happy for the last 6 months, and that you have noticed it.
Also say how it makes you feel. He needs to realize the impact it's having on you.
There really is nothing quite like the direct approach.
I am of course, assuming that you do actually talk to each other at some point during the day or night.
Is he working at the moment?
Is there a possibility that he really might believe he could be gay?
Maybe there is a guy at work who he finds he is a little bit attracted to, and is finding it difficult to come to terms with.
Maybe someone (a male), has made a pass at him lately and he finds he feels something for that man also.
I don't mean to worry you, I am merely talking about some possibilities, that's all.
I have heard of men being married and had children and lived in a heterosexual relationship for 20 or more years, and then what seems like suddenly, they one day realize they are gay.
And once they finally accept it for themselves, then they have to decide when to "come out".
This could be what is happening with your husband, but at the moment, he won't accept it as being true.
Again, I am just talking about possibilities, that's all.
Even if you asked him, he would undoubtedly deny, deny, deny.
Because if it is true, and he won't accept it himself, well then how can he ever convince you or anyone else of it?
This is going to take a lot of kindness and patience from you, to work through this.
Ultimately though, it cannot stay the way it is right now.
Something needs to happen.
He needs to make up his mind what he really wants from life - and who!
If he won't make up his mind, you might have to make it up for him.
Otherwise until that time, you are living your life not knowing where you stand.
And that's a hard place to be.
He either wants to stay married to you or he doesn't, and to have a normal, happy and satisfying relationship and all that goes with that.
And if over time and he won't talk about it, and he knows how you feel about this change in him, and he still refuses to do anything about it, you might come to a point where you have to make a decision about it once and for all.
And it's a hard decision to make.
Nevertheless, once you do get to that point where you can't tolerate it anymore, he then has a choice - to work on himself, or to leave!
Hopefully, it won't get to that point.
In any case, you must be prepared to make that decision and follow through on it, if it becomes necessary.
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A
female
reader, wetherby +, writes (18 May 2012):
wetherby is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Dorothy
Thanks for your latest comments but i'm afraid none of them apply to him. He is only 42 and is quite able to perform but it is not the same as before it's as though he will have sex with me but just to shut me up or put me off the scent.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (18 May 2012):
Hi. I just thought of something else that it could possibly be.
If as you say, your sex life is almost non-existent now, and he clams up each time you try to talk about it with him, is it possible he has some kind of erection dysfunction?
It can happen to men in middle age.
It can be caused by a heart condition, diabetes, an enlarged prostate gland, high blood pressure, carrying some extra weight around the middle of his body - the belly.
And if it's none of these above - that he knows of - Perhaps he has some mild depression and doesn't have much of an urge for making love lately.
He may have a low testosterone hormone level.
Perhaps you could just ask him if there is anything bothering him.
Maybe he has some problems at work.
His job might be very shakey, and the company where he works might be going bad, which is common these days with the world economy they way it is.
He might be keeping it all to himself and not wanting to worry you about it.
Perhaps he is thinking ahead to retirement, and feeling he has no plans of what he will do then. It might be scaring the hell out of him!
Men do often keep a lot of things bottled up inside of them, feeling it to be a sign of weakness to talk about it, and so they say nothing at all.
His visiting transexual porn sites, might be nothing whatsoever to do with sex as you think.
It could be merely an escape from his real problems, whatever they are.
Perhaps if you think back to 6 months ago, to what happened before the sex between you and him all stopped, there could be something that happened about that time in his life.
The death of a loved one - a parent, close friend - that triggered this all off.
Was he sick then?
I'm talking about some kind of emotional trauma that must have happened in his life.
Because, you did say "Six months ago", is when the sex all seemed to stop.
Did he turn "50" - a big milestone birthday, perhaps?
Each time one of those major milestone birthdays comes around - 40, 50, 60, 70, 80, - we all start to have a really good look at our lives and wonder should we be doing more.
And as well as that, as each decade passes and we reach the next "Big ZERO", it's a frightening and very sobering thought to realize how fast time flies and how much closer we are to the end of our lives.
It's that time when we start writing out our "Bucket Lists" - the things to do before we die, type lists.
That terrible old fear, of time running out.
It does make you think.
Perhaps this is where he is right now.
And perhaps also, he reached that point 6 months ago.
Think back - what happened 6 months ago, for him?
You might work it out yourself.
Whatever it was, it could be the clue you are seeking.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 May 2012):
 I for one think he knows exactly why he went and signed up for a tranny dating site. Now if it was just impulsive he wouldn't have gotten a membership, he would just have lurked. IMHO
I would sit him down and talk to him about this. I would not accept an answer like the one he gave.
" He said his head was in bits anad he didn't know why he had gone on it"
I call BS, sorry.
He may NOT be interested in men, but I think there is a curiosity towards tranny/shemales and so forth for straight guys why are afraid to be labeled "gay" so they look at these "guys" instead because they kind of look like women but aren't.
If you two can't talk about sex, how can you fix it?
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A
female
reader, wetherby +, writes (16 May 2012):
wetherby is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou for your replies I haven't been judgemental and he knows that i have been trying to understand his feelings, my husband has a high sex drive and until about 6 months ago our sex life was great. Now it is more or less non existant i feel like i am in a brother & sister relationship. He gives me the odd kiss and on the rare occassion we have sex it's like he doesn't really want to but feels obliged. I have tried to bring the subject up a number of times but he just clams up and ignores it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2012): Talk to him in a non judgmental way. Try to establish what it is he finds so interesting about transvestites. Do they sexually arouse him? Or is he more interested in becoming one himself? If he just likes the idea of dressing up as a woman and that has always bothered him. Then maybe he finds comfort in seeing others do the same. He might be admiring their clothing not them as such! If that is the case and you are broadminded it need not be a big problem. You could help him to express that side of his personality without making him feel guilty or ashamed. But if he is looking at them because he finds them sexually arousing, thats a different ball game. So try and find out which it is first and work from there.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (16 May 2012):
Hi there. It is rather a worrying thing to find out, for sure.
There must be all kinds of doubts floating around in your head right now, I'm sure.
It could be plain old curiosity, and nothing more.
Perhaps he is in a process of finding himself and knowing what he wants out of life, that is his driving force.
In any case, as long as your sex life with him is otherwise satisfying, and he hasn't abstained from making love with you altoghether, well then there may not be anything at all for you to be overly concerned about.
He is in the stage of life - 40's to 50's - where a lot of people start to wonder who they really are.
A feeling of - "Is this all my life is going to be?"
Not meaning any negative reflection on you at all.
What I am referring to, is wondering if there is more he ought to be doing with his life.
Many people refer to it as a "Mid-Life Crisis".
A place in your life where you have been working at the same company or same type of work for 20 years or more, and start to feel that perhaps it's time for a change.
Perhaps a change of career, or even whether to pull back a bit from the work scene - supposing you have no mortgage now, or at least very little left owing - and to maybe take a long holiday and go travelling around the world for a few weeks.
And if not leaving the work scene, well then perhaps considering reducing his hours - from full time to part time, if you can afford to do that.
And if you can afford to do that, reducing to part time - say 3 days a week only - and using the other 4 free days, to get more out of life.
By taking up some hobbies, and maybe dedicating one day a week to helping out at a local charity or a kitchen for the homeless, serving meals.
In other words, adding more to his life to give it true meaning.
What it sounds like to me, is that he is living his life with no sense of purpose.
He needs to find a passion.
Something that really drives him to get out of bed each morning, with the excitement of looking forward to his day.
It's possible that his visiting transvestite porn sites, is nothing more than an escape.
An escape, while he figures out what it is that is missing from his life.
I don't believe it has anything whatsoever to do with sex, or about sex with transvestites or gay men.
If he thinks hard enough about his life, he could eventually work out the missing piece of the jigsaw puzzle of his life.
Unfortunately, it's his journey and his alone.
It's possible that suddenly, he realizes that he doesn't have any life outside of work. The feeling that work is pretty much all there is, for him.
It sounds like it's definitely time for change.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2012): Before you label your husband as gay, reflect back on your sex life together. Has he always been interested in trying new things? Does he get bored easily? And most importantly, how big a role does Porn play in his life?
A lot of men who are heavily addicted to porn eventually get into tranny porn because they have reached that stage where nothing else but the extremely odd/strange/inventive gets them off. I have seen several questions regarding tranny sites on here.
This is a gray area. I would say the majority of men who have travelled the porn road to addiction end up in some pretty strange porn places. It doesnt mean theyre actually into that in real life. However, if your husband is actually seeking to meet these trannies in real life to date, then yes he has crossed the fantasy line.
I understand how hurt and disturbed you must feel. At this point, you are both in a very severe place. The relationship will not last if this issue is not resolved. You need to tell him that either he talks to you or a counselor about it, or you're calling it quits. This is not a time for him to play games with you and pretend "its nothing."
If he's gay, then he's gay. But he should not ruin your life and live a lie. That is utterly cruel to you. You deserve to be happy with someone who actually wants to be with you.
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