A
female
age
41-50,
*radmel
writes:a month and a half ago my boyfriend died.. we got into a fight the night he died..after we got off the phone i put a block on thinking he would hav someone call me the next day to take it off so we can talk.. his sister called and said he was dead he was found by a shed from an overdose.we have been threw so much together good and bad and no matter what we would always get threw it together and stick by each other i didnt get to say i love him..i was told i was one of the numbers he tried calling before he died and i started to cry because i put the block on..we have 4 children..and they keep me going on in life...i dont evr want to move on in a relationship...i have been out with friends and that helps a little...but i just want to live my life with my kids..is there anyone out there that has never moved on in a situation like mine..it would make me feel a little better if there has been...i miss him so much...he was my soul mate ...i got mad at him the other day and was saying he lied to me because he used to say to me everything will work out at the end...and we would grow old together and now we are not going to..then i cried and said i was sorry for saying he lied..this is so hard to deal with sometimes i think he is going to walk up the stairs or when my phone rings i think of him calling even though i no its not..we had so many plans with each other and the kids. i knew he had a problem but i thought it would have changed eventually.
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (2 July 2012):
 Hi
Not sure if Bradmel is still posting here.
But just in case I thought I would share this link with Bradmel
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/coping-with-bereavement-of-losing-your-love-to.html
I do hope it helps
Regards
Abella
A
female
reader, samia23  +, writes (1 July 2012):
well is very hard to move on specially when someone very close to us just go suddenly without even saying goodbye or giving you the last hug and kiss , I completely understand your feelings and i know you cant leave every thing behind.my boyfriend went on vacation and he died yesterday overdosed i got the news from his brother and i literally couldn't believe it im in shock right now i cant believe that his not coming back for me that i will be alone .we been together for 2 years we have a very good memories and he used to tell me the same thing about growing old together walking with stickhe used to do every thing for me we 24\7 together i don't now how it's going to be without him .until now, i can believe his gone.i wish its a dream and i will wake up to find him next to me .i regret one thing i never told him that i love him.i love you so much charbel RIPgod bless you be strange.
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A
female
reader, Wisdom  +, writes (21 May 2012):
 Hi OP
You won't move on for a long time, you are connected to the painful memory of this. Death is one if not the hardest thing to deal with.
Having said this, you must ensure that you seek counselling for both you and your children, Dont think about the future too much as at the moment it is all very daunting. take one step at at time and one day at a time. Eventually you will find it will become much easier.
Be kind to yourself and make sure you have support and loved ones around you.
Try not to be angry with him, try not to be angry with yourself.
Keep in mind millions of people on this planet have experienced the same thing, look for local support groups and do whatever you need to do to ensure that you are ok and happy.
I wish you all the best
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (17 May 2012):
hi Bradmel
I understand your wish to devote your time and effort to your children and pour your love into your children. I thought that too. My thinking was that after losing one parent that I had to double my efforts to make up for what they were missing. And i definitely thought it would always be enough, and was all I needed.
But after I had been grieving for two years dear dear kind people, who i appeciate very much, made me realize that i did not need to be 100% focused on my child. They encouraged me to join a local babysitting club. Get back to studying.
Initially I strongly resisted their efforts to get me to do more things for me. I was happy, my child was happy. Things were fine. I could cope.
Their reasoning was that children need to see their parent putting some time and effort into supporting, encouraging the parent too.
That to do otherwise can lead to creating selfish children whose sense of entitlement becomes one of thinking the parent is just there to meet their needs and that the needs of the child are superior to the needs of the parent. That a child needs to see the parent also asserting their right to parent time and meeting parent needs. I do not know if this is true or not, that if i had continued to put so much effort into my child that this outcome could have resulted.
I do think though that after i balanced things up a bit that yes, i did grow in confidence and did start to feel very good about going forward.
I also think that I was very amiss in the first two years to not seek some form of counselling for grief. Eventually that too did me the world of good. And helped me a lot.
A tragic loss as is your loss and your children's loss leaves a huge gap. And seeking any support you can is a good move.
Slowly some aspects start to become bearable. But it is true that you never forget your loved one. The chasm left in your heart does take time to repair.
My thoughts are with you.
Best wishes
Abella
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A
female
reader, bradmel +, writes (17 May 2012):
bradmel is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you for the response im sorry for your loss...but i just dont feel i ever want to move on with some1 else...i would just be happy with my children
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A
female
reader, countrygirl37 +, writes (17 May 2012):
I I know EXACTLY what you are going through.. My ex died in 2005 from a heart attack caused from mixing the wrong drugs.. and the day before I got the call while at work that they had found him dead.We saw each other and I told him to leave me alone, and all he could do was stand there and look at me with tears in his eyes and apologize for all he and his family had done to me and our daughter, whom turned 2 a couple weeks after he died.. we had been together for 5 years and he fell on some hard times and didnt know how to handle them and turned to alcohol and drugs instead of the person who loved him.. his family wouldnt help me, they just told me I needed to keep my nose out of it, or that I lied, but when I was pregnant with our daughter, he overdosed several times, and became physically abusive with me, even tho i was pregnant.. I had left him because of his cheating and drinking just weeks before i found out I was pregnant and went back when I was 6 months, sometimes wishing I had never told him.. but anyways back to you.You will be ok.. you never get over it per se but you learn to put it behind you, and you need to really try, for your children.. I became very depressed after he died, but everyone wanted to put me on meds for depression instead of just listening and letting me grieve for a man I loved dearly for 5 years.. you have to grieve and you need closure, but it will take time.. it took me 3 years.. i didnt get a chance to have closure bc his family wouldnt allow me to attend his funeral because we werent married and they blamed me for his problems.. but I sat down one day and wrote him a letter and said all i didnt get to say, and one night my daughter looked up at me and said "momma daddy came to see me and he is ok" and I knew it was time to let him go.. Surround yourself with those that love you, grieve and mourn in your own time, and take time and make closure.. if you dont you will never let yourself be happy.. trust me I know.. you will love again but the love you had for him will always remain, it just finds a special place inside your heart.. and as i said, it never goes away, you just find ways to cope and move on..Good luck..
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2012): I too lost my boyfriend to an overdose, it was many years ago and we were in a foreign country at the time. We were together for 3 years and were travelling the world. My world was ripped apart, I was devasted. Beleive me, time is a healer, you never forget but you learn to live with it xx When someone you love goes so sudden you are left with all the emotions, denial, guilt, anger, and acceptance. It's not going to be an easy ride, but you will get there, and you have the love of your children. Thinking of you at this sad time xx
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (16 May 2012):
I may not be able to give you exactly what you need. Yes, I did cry every night (very quietly), for the first two years and I needed to do that to help me heal.
Everyone's journey is different.
Everyone's version of what works (as healing) for each person is different.
And it is OK to take as long as you like.
No one recovers from something as tough as this in a regular cookie-cutter way. And no one can tell you to snap out of it. Real life is dealing with the grief in a way that best supports you.
Certainly I initially thought I would never be able to get through it.
Recognise that for that very short time period your guy was not himself. He was ill. His illness is not your fault so please never burden yourself with guilt. His passing was something that happened. Something you could never have ever anticipate.
His overdose may have been a accident. It might make you feel better to think that it was an accident.
Eventually your children will (or already may have asked) ask what is the truth. Tell them the truth. It is likely that the overdoes was a split second decision because his brain was not thinking right at the time.
Grief does slowly help you to work towards healing, even if you cannot envisage that yet.
And my story is about my late husband's suicide. Though I know he was very very ill at the time and could not take his level of depression.
But as you have seen a death (or in my case, my late husband's suicide) can haunt you for years.
You may eventually want to reach out for support, So here are some help lines
The first, below is an article on the DC site,
Free support links. If any are not free now then please let me know
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/coping-with-bereavement-of-losing-your-love-to.html
http://helpguide.org/topics/grief.htm
Samaritans.org
www.befrienders.org/index.asp
http://www.talktofrank.com/
Best wishes
Abella
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