A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Thank you for reading,I'm from Europe and about one year I live in Japan with my bf and his family. He is Japanese. We met over 3 years ago in web and last year decided to live together. Now he graduated and working in company, I graduated too, and now can study and work here. Next year we little think about getting married and live together.We are together quite long, compared to my friends here. Japanese are easy to broke up. But I'm wondering, is this relation ok? We live in house, he has room on the 1st floor, mine is in the second. We still live like friends in fact. We don't sleep together. Every day can talk only short time. But he don't like to tell me many things, how was the work, what is this packed brought by the postman or something. When he got mobile mail or phone call, never say who. Even when he meet with friends, I don't know it's one person or more, man or woman, friend from school or work or other, and where meet. In Japanese language is so easy to hide it. Of course when I ask, he tell me but it seems annoying to explain it all to me. Sometimes he know I have free evening but don't tell me about own plans. He can also go out home without just telling anybody. Just take bag and go. When I'm at home in my room though... It's not so nice to hear from his mother "he went to drinking party with friends, don't you know?". Or when he is planning to meet friends 2weeks before, but tell me about it one day before. But well recently I talked to him a little so now he say about own plan. If forgot, send me a mail, so it's a little progress.But in other way, he is never jealous! When I wanna go out with my friend (man) it's never a problem. When I say, "I go to party, will back later", answers only "good, have fun". Never ask about my phone talks or mails I get. Sometimes I think communication is dead. I don't know all his worries and happiness. He very very rarely said that he like my hair or eyes. Don't like to show romantic. Kisses and hugs are very simple, often I start. Can say "I love you" only by phone mail and never face to face. But easy fall asleep when I hug him during watching rental movies. Getting intimate... well not yet. Probably because in this house it's not possible in recent situations (8people at home), his physical work (always back late and too tired, only eat dinner and go sleep) and well he is really shy (I'm his second girl, and before he was not so happy in relation, long time searched). He never made me to do anything. I always feel comfortable with him but I wanna something more. He will never start, so I should do.I love him, I know he does too. I wanna continue this relation, but I'm worry. Especially a man are very hard to change their lifestyle. I wanna trust him but sometimes can't. But my ex betrayed me. Maybe that's why I'm too worry.I want him understand me. I want to make more closer relation. Does anybody meet Japanese man here?Do you think it's reasons to worry? Please give me an advice! Forgive me my poor English. Greetings!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (3 May 2013):
 Hi. I am much older than you, but perhaps I can help you. I have only dated Japanese men for the last 15 years. I have dated 4 of them, and was a room mate with one for 18 months. I have dated the same Japanese man now for 12 years, we are engaged.
From my experience, Japanese people in general tend to be very closed. They really keep the majority of their feelings to themselves. Trying to get information out of them is like pulling out teeth! I'm very serious. My guy will not hold my hand in public unless he feels we are somewhere that will will get lost from one another (amusement park, very busy city street). He would rather die than kiss or hug in public. He is caring and gentle in private, never in public.
He doesn't like to discuss things about work unless its really really bothering him. If I ask how his day is ..I usually get "fine" and thats it.
He's very closed about his feelings too. I know he loves me, he tells me he does, but he doesn't often like to discuss very deep personal things unless I bring them up first.
Its very frustrating to me because I am a very open person. He says that I am to "assume" he loves me, it isn't something that he is supposed to say every day..at least he says Japanese people don't do this. He does tell me every day though because we are in a LDR right now.
I'm afraid it might just be the way your guy is. My guy also would wait until the last minute sometimes to tell me things "oh..I forgot to tell you that I have to go out with friends after work tonight". One time he forgot to tell me that he had to go on a business trip to Texas (1/2 way across the country from him!!!) He told me the day before. We were in a LDR then, but still it hurt me. When I asked him, he said "well, it is business I don't understand why you are so hurt that I forgot to tell you??" See what I mean??
I don't think he's deliberately being deceptive, I don't for a minute think he is cheating...but he is just very very private.
I would try to talk to your boyfriend. I'm not sure how much it will help you, but perhaps he doesn't understand that his actions/lack of actions upset you. My guy has changed alot for me over time, because he knows certain things are very important to me.
I wish you all the best, I hope I helped you a little. I find Japanese men fascinating myself, but they are not the easiest men in the world to get close to!
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