A
female
age
36-40,
*nt323
writes:I’ve been with my significant other for 13 years, and with my history of questions I’ve posted here, you can see it hasn’t been all paradiseThis pandemic had showed me a lot.I work In healthcare so when the pandemic happened In March and things began to shut down, I , on the other hand didntI still had to go to work being that I’m an essential workerHe worked as a private school bus driver that only he and his uncle did for a livingSo when schools shut down, they both were left jobless.I told my boyfriend he can try to apply for unemployment benefits and maybe he can get approved because the situation left me taking care of ALL the bills, including his habit of smoking weed So now is 9 months later December 2020I’ve exhausted all my savings to bills and backed up bills.I have 2 twin boys age 16 ( not from him )So school became an issue for me because my kids have a disability where in school they have supervision the whole day while In class and they also receive speech therapy supervisedWhen remote learning happen I had to make a change with my hours at work in order for me to be there with my children during the school hoursOf course this change at work was going to take time so I took a couple of weeks of from work fmla while this change was happening Unfortunately my fmla was unpaid Which put a huge financial crises on me, even tho we live together You would have think he could’ve helped me by being there in the morning with my kids to help them with school work and supervise their therapy and I work But no, that thought NEVER came to his head as a MAN so now we in December I have $40.00to my name, I have a car note, car insurance, phone bill, cable bill, food to eat and essential items to have at homeAnd he says this is all my fault why we like thisMind you He’s 36 years old, no health issues what’s so ever except being a freakin weed head and only worry about his habit When my job finally called me ( thank you Jesus )He got more excited than I didTelling me he should borrow money and that I’ll pay people backWhen I get paidIs this behavior of being in a toxic relationship He blames everything on meHe waits on me for money and has the nerve to sayHe doesn’t take money from me I’m confused
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (18 December 2020):
 People only treat us the way we ALLOW. You are ALLOWING him to treat you as a meal ticket. Not only is he not contributing to the household, he is expecting money from you, including for his weed habit. He is not a child. He is not your responsibility. You would be far better off without him. Why are you ALLOWING him to treat you like this? You deserve better.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2020): Hi
Forget the labels and go with factual feelings, which are not good. You are in an unsupportive part-time relationship with a self-serving individual, and this equals lack of love.
You should work for your own family's survival and wellbeing and ask yourself why you feel you need somebody like this in your life or more importantly in your childrens life who have disabilities.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2020): Why do you need to ask us - strangers - whether your guy is a lazy good for nothing? Are you hoping that we will say something wonderful about him? He is a freeloading user and he sounds very boring and stupid. Lots of teenagers find ways to earn money - albeit part time and not well paid - but it is better than sitting around making excuses to rely on your partner to pay for everything.I don't know why you have put up with him for a month let alone all these years.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2020): Why are you paying for his weed? It’s his choice to smoke drugs and now you are carrying the financial burden of it - it doesn’t come cheap!!You are enabling him to be lazy/not work or help out because he knows you will foot the bill. I bet if you stopped paying for his weed he will get off his ass and find a job because he will become desperate to fulfil his habit. He doesn’t respect you at all or appreciate how hard you are working. I think the main issue here is that you are afraid he will leave. Your asking if this is a toxic relationship - this suggests you know the relationship is bad and he is no good for you but you are still there. You have written on DC before and still nothing has gotten better. Are you worried you will be lonely or not find anyone else? I would suggest your worried about looking after your children yourself - but he clearly isn’t helping out in that respect. You need to find out your reasons for holding onto this relationship. He is walking all over you and you are allowing it, he will not change so stop waiting for him to.He sounds like a looser and trust me you will be better off on your own. Realise your worth and stand up for yourself. He doesn’t deserve you
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2020): I'm sincerely sorry about all you're going through. I pray each and everyday for people like you out there putting your own lives on the line to save others. No matter what capacity you work in healthcare, you are at risk of infection. You have to worry about yourself, and your loved-ones. God bless and protect you!
I suppose you came here to vent your pain and frustration; but you already know what you have to do. First, if you abide by faith and worship; appeal to your Creator, He is always there to comfort you, provide for you, and protect you. If you are an unbeliever; then you might be left to your own devices, and will have to do the best you can. Seek free counseling and help wherever offered and available. God is merciful and kind; and will send help to you through people and in different ways, regardless. Even if you don't believe.
You're not confused. Maybe you're distraught, exhausted, and overwhelmed by the relationship you refuse to separate from. Seems you can do bad all by yourself, you don't need yet another man-child to mother.
Lighten your load by the weight of one full-sized adult-male. Nobody has to tell you if it's a toxic relationship. If it is, you'll know it!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2020): Look, it's easy for us to tell you "yes yes you are in a toxic relationship get out!"I could write you this one sentence and click send and be done with it.You explained HOW you got yourself in this situation. You haven't explained WHY. Do you ever wonder yourself WHY you stayed with someone who has disappointed you over and over again?Are you afraid of being alone? I'm not judging, I'm asking.I know I am. Something I only recently discovered about myself. And I'm 43!Maybe I developed that fear over the years . I don't remember this fear when I was in my twenties and thirties. Anyway, usually people put up with bad behavior of their partners because they prefer "the devil they know" to being on their own or having to go through the process of looking for a new partner and getting to know someone new.So, just learning that you are in a toxic relationship won't be of much help. You come here to vent (and that's fine) and get "idiot sympathy" (this is not a derogatory remark, that's what it's called) when people say how they understand you. I do, BUT, I won't give you idiot compassion, because this only keeps you in the same loop. And truth be told, it's not about labeling something as toxic (although sometime sit can be an eye opener), you don't have to know the word to be able to know how this behavior makes you feel and that's' bad. You don't need a label to know that by accepting and tolerating his behavior you have endangered both you and your kids. How else would you call having 40 dollars to your name?You are a grown woman with a profession that is in a great demand, that's' an excellent start. So why would a grown woman, a hard-working professional, a mother of two disabled kids, put herself in the position you are in right now?If you don't find out WHY, you will either stay in this relationship or find another loser to empty your bank-account.That's just the way it is.When you recognize the WHY, you'll recognize the fear and you'll know how to deal with it.Just abaling this as "toxic" won't solve your problem. You already know that it is toxic. You came her for other people to agree with (poor oh poor) you.I'm sorry if I sound harsh. I understand the need to be supported, to have a place to vent. But if you don't actually do something, venting will be your enemy. It will help you to STAY in a abd place.Put your kids first and dump this loser.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 December 2020):
 You know he isn't there FOR you or your kids, yet you wonder if this is toxic?
Don't GIVE him a SINGLE penny. If he wants ANYTHING he can apply for unemployment OR seek employment - which IS possible, even in this time of "the Plague". Even if it's just part time or seasonal, I bet you he can find work.
And no DO NOT borrow ANY money that HE can get his hands on. If you DO borrow, ONLY use it for bills and VITAL expenses (his weed is NOT vital). And keep a budget on HOW to pay it back.
ALL 3 of my children (20/18/16) ALL have part time jobs. 2 in fast food and one at a Home Depot. A class mate of my middle daughter (so he is 16, almost 17) Work EVERY weekend and some days after online school, for a small landscape company - in fall he made BANK because of all the leaves that HAS to be bagged, and this area has a lot of oak and elm. Our yard (to give you an example) took little over 100 BAGS to clear the ground from fallen leaves. About 6 hours of blowing leaves and bagging them. After Thanksgiving he has been doing the Christmas light hanging (yeah, some people pay to get that done over here lol) and if we get more snow he will probably be out shoveling. He is a good and hardworking kid. Saving up for his first car. If HE can do this.... YOU LAZY ASSWAFFLE of a partner can find SOMETHING that will pay him some money.
I have to ask WHAT does your partner do?
Does he keep the house clean? Cook? Take out the trash? Do the laundry?
If he does nothing and it's YOUR place - KICK him out.
Also look at local charities for food-lockers/ food baskets. To help with feeding you and your boys. Don't go in debt to get presents. You can ALWAYS buy them a "belated Christmas presents" when you CAN afford them.
The most important thing, IS that you give him ZERO money. HE is a GROWN ASS man, if he wants anything... HE can find a way to earn some money.
As for your initial question, is it toxic? I think it is, because HE is making your life harder and taking FOOD (literally) out of your children's mouths and if he contribute NOTHING then all he is, is a LEECH.
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A
female
reader, CarrieSoa +, writes (16 December 2020):
 You are gaining absolutley nothing from this relationship. Why do you allow him to stay in your home and not contribute? Are you afraid of being alone? You are already alone, taking care of finances and raising your boys. Kick him out. You are allowing him to treat you this way. Yes, the relationship is toxic.
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