A
female
age
36-40,
*ovemeright11
writes:I can't seem to relax on this issue that seems to be only in my head since I don't think my boyfriend has any idea how much this thing is bothering me that he told me the other day so here it goes... my boyfriend was talking to me about somethings from his past and told me about one of the times he cheated on his girlfriend and the person he cheated on her with is someone he still knows today and that I have met and never knew about them having had sex till now. So now I feel kinda awkward around her and not sure if I like her. She is a very slutty girl in truth and brags about wanting to find sex all the time but all the questions are going in my head now like does he still like her at all? does she like him anymore? He told me they only had fooled around once and actually had sex once and after that happened she had tried to lure him for sex only once more after that and he denied her so it supposedly died off after that. Anyways recently she had some sorta project to do for school and it was a video and she asked my boyfriend to be her boyfriend for the video so in this video she got kinda close to him and some what touchy and feely so after seeing that even if it was supposed to be acting its was a little to close for comfort since he was in a relationship with me at the time this video was shot so it I guess makes me still wonder if I should worry about this girl?. This weekend is her birthday and she invited me to her party but my bf suggested we don't go and find something else to do at first I said no but now i say yes and we are not going especially since for some reason it just so happens to be held at my bfs house (my bf has roomates so they are the ones allowing the party to happen there) My bf is going to be staying at my house instead. he does understand that I am uncomfortable with her now but I don't think he realizes how much but I think the thing going threw my mind is this girl has seen my man naked something that i view as a special thing between me and him but I have to be around someone else once in a while that has had seen that so I feel a a slight jealousy or challenge now and I can't shake the feeling I think no normal guy just keeps women as friends that were one night stands. I just know if this women worked her magic once when he was drunk I want to make sure it wont ever happen again. So what do you all think do i have a right to feel my red flag raise a little?
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drunk, jealous, one night stand Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Odds +, writes (22 July 2011):
 If he can cheat once, he can rationalize doing it a second time. Not to mention this particular girl shows no respect for others' relationships.
It's a red flag, a warning sign, not a guarantee of heartbreak. Just because he saw that the party might upset you does not mean he's changed completely - it's not as though he would sleep with her at the party if you were both there.
You need to decide how much you trust him, keeping his past in mind, and decide if the relationship with him is worth the heightened risk over someone without cheating in their past. Not all pasts are created equal. The key is to make your decision and stick to it rather than letting indecision turn you into an emotional wreck. Others' standards can inform yours, but you have the final decision. Is this a dealbreaker for *you*? If so, end it. If not, resolve to trust him. Good luck either way.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (22 July 2011):
 Yes and not.
You don't have to worry about this particular girl, he turned her down already, apparently once was enough for him. He understands you'd feel unconfortable around her and he suggested you did not attend the party to avoid you any awkwardness.He does not like this girl.
Yes, you have to worry in general- or actually to decide if this is the type of guy who is right for you. He cheated on his previous gf, so, who tells you, that, given enough temptation, he would not cheat on you too ? He is a guy that does not have a problem with one night stands, and the fact that it was, or they were , drunken one night stands, IMO makes it worse , not better. It means that with a few drinks in himself he has no control- so, while you can manoeuvre in order that he does not meet the birthday girl anymore, how are you going to prevent him forever from getting drunk again, or from ever going out on his own ?
I am not saying that this guy is a monster of debauchery. Maybe all this belongs to the past and now that he has found you, he is really in love, devoted and totally committed. But we cannot know that - only you can, based on how he treats you, how open and honest he is with you, where does he want your relationship to go, how true to his word you've found him so far, etc. etc. Only you can assess if he has changed his mindset and takes committment seriously. Otherwise, if a man still has the mindset of a player, there is no amount of surveillance which will keep him out of harm's way, because he'll find temptations even visiting a nunnery.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2011): Sure you have the right to feel worried, but you really should explain to him how much it is bothering you. I think he is showing you that he is not interested in her at all, by agreeing not to be at the party especially since it's being held at his place (thanks to his flatmates). He obviously cares a lot about you, so I would think that you don't need to worry. Just talk to him and let him know how it makes you feel. Unfortunately we are all faced with our partners past as some point in time, the key is to realise that you are his present and future. Good luck.
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