A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for more than one year. Two days ago we spent a nice evening celebrating my birthday, and so I thought that things were just all going great between us. Until tonight, I caught him near his home being with and trying to get it with some very young chick in the car. I approached and confronted the situation, which resulted her being shocked and ashamed and him just being speechless since he got caught. I felt that he's been lying giving me stories that he's just chilling with his buddies late in the evenings in which I believed him and gave the benefit of the doubt because of no proof. I've given him my attention all the time, been there for him at all times, giving up my heart and falling in love. This brings me hurt as I have feelings for him, though I cannot surpass the shock and discovery of what I saw tonight. How do I go about healing without blaming myself thinking that maybe there was something wrong with me, causing him to look outside the relationship?? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, VSAddict  +, writes (23 July 2011):
 You just have to realize you gave it your all and did the best you could and move on. None of it was your fault so don't blame yourself. He didn't find you good enough so he decided to cheat, which was unfortunate. But whenever you feel you're blaming yourself or think about being with him, remember that he never thought you were good enough and never had enough respect for you in the first place. You don't deserve someone like that, so move on and hopefully you won't be hurt like this again. Hope I helped.
A
female
reader, iloveblue +, writes (22 July 2011):
 I don't know how you feel about your boyfriend and how much you can endure because of your feelings for him. And I know right now you are still dumb and shocked about what happened. The coming days will probably be like a roller coaster of feelings as what happened will slowly sink in.
But as a person who has been in the situation where you're in now, please do not let your feelings decide. If i could turn back the time when I was in your situation, I wish I was smarter. Believe me, don't use your feelings but use your head.
He clearly did not think of you while he was doing that. He never even cared to remember that he has a gf. And to think as you said, you tried to be the best gf there is, he still managed to cheat on you? What was he thinking? This is not the type of bf that you deserve dear. Do not tolerate this kind of treatment on you. Dump this guy.
There are so many other better guys around there, he's not the last. Let him regret what he did. Leave him.
Best of luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2011): "How do I go about healing without blaming myself thinking that maybe there was something wrong with me, causing him to look outside the relationship??"
That is the hardest thing to do.
This is the crux of the matter for the betrayed person. Been there, and done that, and the feeling that there is something lacking in yourself will go on and go off and on like a light switch for a long time. Probably it is worse if you truly love the other person, because you are so slammed by the betrayal.
The truth is, the person who cheats does so because of what is lacking in themselves. This is not just a turn of phrase, to make the betrayed person feel better, but is a reality of life.
Will you believe it? Probably, off and on, and hopefully in the end you will believe it fully and without doubt. However, to get there takes struggle with doubt. If you don't get this understanding down well, you may go on to do just exactly what was done to you.
Nobody is perfect, and those of us who have been betrayed can see our imperfections all to clearly. When we are betrayed, perhaps the betrayer sees our imperfections all to clearly at that time, but they are looking past their own imperfections and behaving in a manner that is destructive and humiliating to another person.
Do some reading on affairs and cheaters online, or with a couple of good books, it may help.
Here is a good book with a link to online purchaser.
http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Past-Affair-Program-Together/dp/157230801X
It's been 10 years since my wife had an affair, and I still get periods where I think "How can I be sure that she didn't see something real and better with him than with me, despite all her denials and statements to the contrary?"
I don't have much to go on, other than trust which having been abused still is a risky feeling, other than the fact that my wife came back to me, dumped her lover, and has spilled her guts to me about not only the affair, but her fears as well, feelings of inadequacy compared to me, fears of being undesirable, and how she fed on the attention she got while I was at work from the guy.
On my end, I thought the world of my wife and trusted her completely. When the affair happened I was caught off guard, devastated, and could not believe what was happening.
She didn't trust me though, and with good reason. Her mother and father both had affairs, multiple times, so trusting me was simply not in the cards, she just couldn't do it and couldn't talk about it. She figured I was just good at not getting caught.
She lacked trust, self confidence, and several other things. All of which I had in good measure. Contrasting what went on with her, with me. During the time before I was aware of the full story of the affair, when due to her post affair psychological issues surrounding sex, it was slam bam and thank you very much but that is all you get, or we simply did not have sex and it was very hard for years. During my sex deprived state, when our relationship was struggling, and I thought my wife didn't find me attractive and was wistfully thinking of a love from the past that she had lost instead of me (she wasn't), a very attractive younger woman, half my age probably, came on to me very deliberately. I was lonely, and would have loved to have some good sex and companionship. But, I went home instead, and managed to talk to my wife eventually, and despite more than one "opportunity" during this "dark period" of our marriage, I didn't have an affair.
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