A
female
age
41-50,
*emmefatale123
writes:I have been dating a man for just over a year. We broke up at one point for three months because he got cold feet about the relationship. (He’s been divorced for a number of years and hasn’t had a committed relationship in that time, only dated minimally. He said what he had with me "seemed too good to be true.") He came back to me, wanting to get back together, and I accepted. He wanted to be in an exclusive relationship and see each other every weekend, which we had been doing before, and I agreed. By the way, I’m in my late 30s, and he’s a little over 20 years older.Here’s our dating schedule: we go out Friday night, usually a movie and/or dinner, occasionally attend an event or go out of town for something. Then I spend the night at his house. On Saturday we just do fun things, watch TV, etc. Sometimes we go out Saturday nights; sometimes we stay in. Sundays, he makes me breakfast, and then I usually leave around 2 p.m. He’s a self-employed lawyer, and he has a routine where he likes to go into his office Sunday afternoons and work. Sometimes on Sunday evenings, he has to look over files because he has court Mondays or watch cop videos. I’ve kind of gotten used to his routine. We rarely see each other during the week unless he invites me to go to an event or sometimes out to dinner.I am involved in community theater, and we both enjoy going to plays every few weeks. This past Sunday night, we tried something new at the theater: a cabaret where local patrons could sign up to sing, read, do a performance based on a theme. It’s just a new idea we’re trying to garner interest in what the theater has to offer. It was set up a month ago, and I invited my boyfriend to come. He questioned why it was scheduled on a Sunday night. I told him the director set it up. I assumed he would come because 1) I had invited him a month ahead (plenty of notice) and 2) he would figure it was important to me. Hell, I've watched several football games with him--something I wouldn't do on my own, but I enjoy doing it with him--because it's with him.So Sunday as I was getting ready to leave his house around 2 p.m., I asked if he were coming after he worked in his office. He said probably not, and he thought the idea of the cabaret was "kinda lame," which hurt my feelings. I didn’t know what to say. Again, I guess I assumed he knew it was important to me. I told him I was going to read some poetry I had written (I have two graduate degrees in writing, and I teach.) He urged me to have fun.I was so hurt I didn’t know what to do. I texted him about half an hour later and told him the event was important to me and I was sorry he thought it was “kinda lame.”He texted back and said, “I’m sorry. I didn’t know how you felt about it.” Then half an hour later, he texted again, “I’ll come by if you would like, but it’s not a good day for me.”I didn’t respond because I was still hurt. Later, I sent him another message, right before the event: “If I hadn’t wanted you to come, I wouldn’t have invited you a month ago. I was hoping you’d want to come. So much for that.”He responded a little while later, after the event, “If I had understood this event was important to you, I would have to have rearranged my activities on Saturday.” We had spent Saturday at his house as normal, just watching TV.Today, Tuesday, after we didn’t communicate all day yesterday, I sent him a message in the afternoon: “I don’t think this silence is doing either of us—or our relationship any good.”He replied a couple of hours later, “I’ve been kinda ill about the events of Sunday, and felt like I needed some time to cool off before we talked further.”Tonight, I texted him over an hour ago: “Can we just talk and get this over with?” I was hoping he’d call me, and we could discuss the matter and get it behind us. No response as of yet.First, was I wrong to be hurt about him not going with me? I’m asking because, obviously, I’m very close to the issue. Second, is this a normal “cooling off” period or silent treatment/emotional abuse/manipulation? It's now been two days, and the absence of communication hurts immensely.
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female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (31 January 2013):
Hi
He thought the Sunday night Cabaret would be lame and he didn't want to go,you would be reading poetry so wanted his support in the wings I guess.
Now it's this huge thing between you,he is getting over being 'pissed' with you, so unless you left out a huge chunk of info,its all got out of hand.
He's alot older and set in his ways,so far you have complied,now he knows your upset and not just doing as HE wants without question.Think about this
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (30 January 2013):
 What on earth does he have to be pissed about? That you invited him to a nice place? That you wanted to share your poetry with him? That you dared to act hurt when he said he didn't want to go and criticized the fact that it was on a Sunday night?
Now *that* travels to the realm of manipulation...he wants to keep you in your place. Think about it...he wants you in *his* life on his terms, but does he want to be in YOUR life?
Think very long and hard on this argument. He doesn't have cause to be angry for days over this. That is a tactic to keep you from thinking twice about imposing on his wishes.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2013): Well firstly, lastly and most importantly he is way too old for you. I know because my dad married someone 20 years younger than him who for the past 10 years was young enough to go places and do things and he wasn't. It seems you are already at that stage. She now hates him and cannot abide to be near him and in turn he needs her because he is old and alzheimic but can't stand her either. Don't think this wont be you and don't settle for something because you are in your late thirties and nothing else has come along. Your still young go out and find your life without this baggage carrier. Bon Chance
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A
female
reader, femmefatale123 +, writes (30 January 2013):
femmefatale123 is verified as being by the original poster of the question I got text reply from him a couple of hours after posting this thread last night. He said, “Let’s talk tomorrow. I’ve had a long night and I was still a little agitated. Didn’t want to talk while I was still pissed.”
He must be over being “pissed” now because I see about half an hour ago he sent me a text asking me if I was familiar with some poet who used to do regular commentary on NPR and which he enjoyed. NPR and literature are both common interests of ours.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (30 January 2013):
Thanks for responding, OP.
Yeah, I mean, come on. Cabaret nights aren't known as late night party affairs, unless in this case, "Cabaret" is code word for "all night drinking binge". Somehow, I doubt it. I have had friends involved in community theater, and it's a blast!
Usually things like this end at 8 or 9 or even earlier and are lower key activities. It's a nice activity that caps off a pleasant weekend. End it with a nice cocktail at a classy place, and it's actually energizing!
You said you were late 30's and he's late 50's? Does he lack stamina? Something tells me he's pretty sedentary if his every Saturday is spent hanging around the house watching TV, and his complaint about a low-key Sunday night is that no one can handle actually going somewhere before a work week. Heaven forbid! heh.
I mean, I know I'm supposed to talk to you about his emotional availability, and his past divorce causing baggage, but between you and me, I'm shocked you're not bored out of your skull by now! I mean you're a writer and obviously very educated!
You're creative, expressive, and it sounds like your life is rich and full! Why are you reducing yourself to settling for non-stop TV and the occasional dinner at all the same restaurants? Does this guy order the same thing every time? Can't you feel your brain cells slowly escaping through your ears??
I don't know...I think you can do better than this guy. Maybe you just need a reason to break out of the year-long routine and go for it.
Seriously, what do you get out of this?? I'm asking honestly, because I don't normally think "you're too good for him" often when I answer questions on here.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2013): Hi, dont contact him again as he should be man enough to at least discuss this issue with you. You have tried and getting no response. Its time to close this chapter of your life unless you happy to be the part time GF.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (30 January 2013):
Hi
I don't think its abuse or manipulation at all.
YouWish has said it all, I agree totally.
You tried to cross the boundery he has for your 'relationship' and your view and his, of your situation, was highlighted as being different.
I don't think he's likely to change but maybe it's worth going this weekend to find out exactly where you stand,he probably assumed you were happy with things as they stand
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (30 January 2013):
 i don't get the impression this guy is being manipulative at all. and i don't get the impression he's angry and cooling off, either. i get the impression he's just rather apathetic to the whole thing. In fact, i believe he's waiting for YOU to cool off and drop this whole thing. because i don't think he wants to take the time to talk about it or deal with it in the least bit. i think he just wants it to blow over and you go back to your part time role of being there on weekends, and not demanding anything more of him. this seems like his way of letting you know he's not open to dealing with any type of emotions.i believe he's an extremely busy man and his job comes first. and i think he realizes he doesn't have the time for what a full-on relationship entails. that, and i don't believe that's what he's looking for, anyway, regardless of time - he's a divorced man probably not looking to settle down like that again. He spends a couple of days a week with you, and that's it. it fills he needs for sex and loneliness, and allows him to then go back to focusing on work. and as long as you don't demand more emotionally, everything is great. so with you expressing your emotions (which you are not wrong for), you're going above and beyond what he's looking for. he wants a casual girl. not one who starts expecting things emotionally (which i say yet again, you are NOT wrong for).If i were you, i'd decide if this is something you want and can put up with. because i don't see it changing. his job will always come first, and you will always be his space filler. you deserve more, if you want and are looking for more.You seem like a nice girl. see if you can't find a man who can give you a bit more of his heart and time and actually let you in. because you are completely justified in how you feel. and if you had an emotionally available boyfriend, i'm sure he would have dropped everything to be there with you. this guy is not in the wrong, and neither are you. you two just seem to want and be expecting two completely different things from one another. if you need more, move on. good luck!!
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A
female
reader, femmefatale123 +, writes (30 January 2013):
femmefatale123 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionRegarding advance notice, I thought inviting him a month ahead of time would be part of the signal that it was important to me so he could rearrange activities. Also, we discussed it. When I told him about it, he complained about it being on a Sunday night. He said, “Why is that Cabaret Night on a Sunday night? Seems an odd choice for those who have to work on Monday.” I even asked the director why she scheduled it on a Sunday night, and gave him her response. He still complained about it again, questioning her choice. He said, “I don’t have a dog in this race, but it seems to me you won’t get many people to come on Sunday night. Just wonder if she doesn’t have a good feel for human nature, like having three-hour rehearsals for upcoming plays, which may scare off people who may otherwise want to be in plays other than students, retirees, and those without jobs.”
If it were something he proposed, I think he’d been fine with it. He varied from his routine once because his parents had asked us over for dinner on a Sunday night.
I think you may be spot-on, YouWish.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (30 January 2013):
Hi there. I honestly believe even though you let him know of this event over a month ago, it is unfortunate that it was on a Sunday, which as you already know he works at his office getting ready for court the next day.
There is a lot of work and research getting a case all prepared to present it in the courtroom.
And really, I think it was not a case of ignoring you, but more that he was extremely busy doing what had to be done for the next day.
And it would certainly explain why there was a while between him being able to reply to your text messages.
If he had've replied straight away to each of your text messages, he would not have got any work done.
And so that's what was behind the delay in replying to you.
You are after all, going out with a lawyer, aren't you?
He is self-employed which means he has no other partners to help with the work load.
So it's just him.
So if he doesn't do all the work that is required for the next day, on a Sunday night, well then it just doesn't get done at all!
This is probably one of the downsides of dating a lawyer.
Lawyers work LONG hours, and probably on many nights of the week.
It might have been better to have asked one of your friends to go with you, because Sundays are out for him - because of work commitments.
So if there are any further Sunday evenings for this interest of yours, well then you might just have to go there alone.
I don't think this situation of his is going to change, anytime soon.
And it certainly isn't worth arguing over.
How is it working out with 20 years age difference?
He has probably already gone through the life stage of having children and now they are all grown up and maybe even married with children of their own.
Eventually, you will want to have children of your own, but your boyfriend may not be interested in going through all of that again.
So this is another discussion you will need to have with him, should you decide to settle down together.
And if you haven't had that discussion up until now, well then you need to do that as soon as you can.
Sooner rather than later.
You and your boyfriend are in two very different life stages.
You are in your prime, when most women are thinking about having babies, etc.
And because he's already been married, he's gone through that when he was your age.
In his 30's.
So I don't think you need to be neglected or abused, just because he didn't reply to your text messages immediately.
He replied when he could, and surely that's all that counts.
And when he did reply, he wasn't angry or abusive - he was respectful.
If you keep on seeing him, you are probably going to be in for quite a few disappointments, because of his profession.
And unfortunately, there is very little you can do about that.
What needs to happen now, is that you have a good think about all of this, and decide if this is what you really want in a relationship.
Because there will be many disappointments like this, and so you might find that you have to go to many social events on your own.
Is that what you really want?
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (30 January 2013):
Personally, I think it's neither a "normal cooling off" period nor a manipulation thing or a silent treatment issue. This situation is something different than either choice.
You are his weekend girl. He's kept you at arm's length pretty much the entire time, and now your desire at there being more and his desire to keep you at arm's length have finally clashed. His silence now is his way of avoiding this very real truth.
See, he likes you around, and you're great company on the weekends, but he's got your compartmentalized. You're not his entire life. You, however, are expecting emotional demands, which is natural because you are seeing this as an actual relationship, rather than the friends with benefits he's seeing you as.
You made an emotional request of him for Sunday night, which clashes with the other part of his life he keeps from you. You made assumptions (which are a bad thing in any relationship), and he didn't pass your test. You're hurt because you now realize what you've known all along...your true place in his life.
He does not want you to try and progress the relationship. He doesn't want to progress an emotional intimacy. He's happy keeping you at arm's length with the weekends, the spending the night, the going out one night, the watching TV. Like I said, you're good company. But he's not interested in you being emotionally intimate. Your relationship has no future.
He is hoping that as time passes, you'll forget how hurt you are and stop making emotional demands on him so that he can get back to enjoying your company on the weekends and keeping you at arm's length. You're going to keep getting hurt because you'll keep pushing...your feelings won't let you stop pushing, and he'll send signals like this that he doesn't want to give you more of himself, that he's not interested in an actual relationship, and that he'll retreat if you so much as pressure him or act hurt if he's not acting more like a man in a serious relationship rather than a man with a weekend girl who is good company.
Decide what you want before you get even more hurt -- if you can live with what your relationship is now with good company but going nowhere, this is your guy, because he will never let you in anymore any he has now, and the emotional wall will stay in place and stay impenetrable.
If, however, you feel the relationship is lacking, like a mirage only promising to quench your thirst yet never doing so, then you might want to disconnect from him and make yourself available to a guy with no hangup and ready to open his whole heart to you.
Your choice. That's why he's not talking. Not abuse. Simply not interested in being more emotionally intimate with you than he has been. If you keep pressing him and making demands to progress the relationship, he'll flake out and leave again. It's the "cold feet" that will never go away, and in truth, it never left your relationship in the first place.
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A
female
reader, femmefatale123 +, writes (30 January 2013):
femmefatale123 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionRegarding advance notice, I thought inviting him a month ahead of time would be part of the signal that it was important to me so he could rearrange activities. Also, we discussed it. When I told him about it, he complained about it being on a Sunday night. He said, “Why is that Cabaret Night on a Sunday night? Seems an odd choice for those who have to work on Monday.” I even asked the director why she scheduled it on a Sunday night, and gave him her response. He still complained about it again, questioning her choice. He said, “I don’t have a dog in this race, but it seems to me you won’t get many people to come on Sunday night. Just wonder if she doesn’t have a good feel for human nature, like having three-hour rehearsals for upcoming plays, which may scare off people who may otherwise want to be in plays other than students, retirees, and those without jobs.”
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