A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I have been married to a wonderful woman for 20 years who I still think I love. Back in January I reconnected with an old girlfriend (who is unhappily married) on Facebook. We've been emailing one another and even have met for lunch a couple of times (but nothing has happened). She tells me all the time how she wants me etc etc, but I can't quite make the leap. I'm quite tempted at times because I'm unsure of my feelings for my wife and that this might be some sort of mid life crisis. I really do like this woman and want to be with her, but I'm afraid it might be for all the wrong reasons. What should I do?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2010): Look, I'm a guy, near your age, and this sounds like a lot of fun. Old girlfriend, fond memories, boring wife and life at home, and she's unhappy in her marriage.You could just be the ticket and she will be happy, you won't be bored, and the sex will be fantastic, mind blowing for both of you. You leave your wife, she leaves her husband, and everybody is happy.But, it just isn't so. Take two unhappy, bored, people in midlife and mix them together and you get a temporary period of excitement followed by a lot of trauma, and 4 unhappy people (sometimes more if there are kids of any age involved). So, get counseling from a good marital counselor, be frank during those sessions about what you have been doing, and what you have been thinking, and what has been happening to you mentally and physically, and what has not been happening in all those areas.You will be better off in the end...even if you end up leaving your wife after it is all said and done.The old girlfriend, tell her the same...she and her spouse need this more than an affair.Do this and you will be a Hero, to everyone, not a Heel.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2010): If you are having a midlife crisis then your old girlfriend is having one too.
Or maybe we could ditch the derogatory terms for middle aged men and just call this a normal urge to cheat. It affects people of both sexes at all ages.
But normal or not, you will probably regret doing something about it. I vote to stay with your wife. Focus on renewing the fun in that relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2010): You have a choice here and you need to be very cautious in what you do. To many folks there are two definitive meanings to relationships, that over ride their life. Marriage means, strong family bonds, a powerful committment, stability, other-involved happiness, a lifetime relationship built on respect. An affair means: fun, impulsiveness, superficiality, poor judgement and medicating one's own self-involved pleasure, and in your case, rescuing a very unhappily married old girlfriend.
So what do you do, whom do you choose? I will say that you should choose to do something, that you will admire yourself for, in the future. You need to really use your conscience into your decision making process, here. Let's look at this: the potential thought of an affair is new, fresh, alive. But do you see yourself happier when the excitement wanes in about a year and it all mellows into mundane of everyday life? I think you need to ask yourself, what you will be sacrificing for one's definition of happiness, here. Six months of having an affair and good sex does not define 'love' in my books. Lust, overwhelming infatuation,yes but certainly...not love. Real love grows over the years and it's there through all the happy times, sad times, boring times, the challenges, the tough times of building a long, content life together. Love will be there when you are old and frail. You married a woman you love, and you made a promise of fidelity to her. Don't make a decision to throw away a good marriage all because you wanted to have a fling. Because, in about a year or two, when you are divorced, bitter and likely broke from paying lawyers off, and dividing all your assests, all you will have with you is a woman with you, who didn't have the foresight, the common sense and the exemplary character, to leave another woman's husband alone. Look at the future, down the road and think hard before making your choice
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2010): Don't do it. I'm watching a friend at work go through this, and it's about to cost him his career, and in an economy where it's going to be very tough to find a job doing what he does for 33% of what he's paid. Wife divorced him when she found out, the other woman's husband divorced her, and now they have each other... and he's about to loose what attracted her to him... his status & career.
Focus on your wife- fix what's not working... or your going to repeat it over and over...
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A
female
reader, LLindy87 +, writes (11 September 2010):
 Don't cheat on your wife, I know its probably tempting after so long, but instead, get marriage counseling, try to reconnect and fall in love all over again...with your wife :)
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A
female
reader, MonksDaBomb +, writes (11 September 2010):
 This sounds like a mid-life crisis to me. You're chatting with an old girlfriend (a no-no) and just as I expected, you're getting feelings for her again. You're probably remembering all the good times the two of you had, etc.
If you truly love your wife, do her a favor and don't go on facebook and don't chat with your ex.
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A
female
reader, LOSTasYOU +, writes (11 September 2010):
 First off, you chose your wife for a reason and that was because you were in love and you saw a future. This woman is in your past and its better if you kept it that way. You've been married for quite a long time and its such a beautiful thing but thoughts like yours can happen in a long term marriage. You get use to your wife,sometimes get a little bored of the same routine every single day,and meet someone that catches your interest and you start to question the love for your wife.i cant say its wrong and i cant say its right but i can say it happens often. Dont leave your wife just because you want something new and fresh. Try to freshen up your own marriage. Do things spontaneously. Take your wife out to lunch rather than someone else. Surprise her. Just something, anything that can spark up the marriage. Just think of this other woman as another stump on the road. Dont trip over it because it can cause real damage to such a beautiful thing. True love and marriage is rare to find these days. Dont let it go for a past fling. Hope this helps!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2010): If your old girlfriend was HAPPILY married, then would you still want her just as much? Because you really have to decide whether it really is your marriage that is the problem, or if this just a temptation that you are going to regret giving in to.... And do remember that marriages are lifetime commitments, in which you vow to do your best to keep it together unless something really really irreconcilable comes up... it's not one of those deals where you up and leave at the first sign of difficulty... you leave only as a last resort.... sex not great? work on it! communication not great? work on it! leisure hours boring? find something interesting to do together! going to another person for all of this is not the answer.... its about figuring out how to make your life with your wife BETTER.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (11 September 2010):
 You think you still love your wife?? Another woman on here, her husband left her to reconnect with an old flame on Facebook, I say it's a midlife crisis. Now, he misses his wife, buddy you can't have the wife and the old girlfriend. Often your past is better left where it's at, in the past! You leave your wife, then she will most not likely put up with your midlife crisis and slap you with some divorce papers. First you need to figure out what's lacking in your marriage that's causing you to want to stray. Your wife or your past? It should be clear to you that your wife is your future and not to backtrack in life to try to rekindle an old romance.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (11 September 2010):
 You don't do anything. Stay with your wife. Love your wife. You can still be there for your old girlfriend but only as a friend, nothing more. If the urge to cheat it too strong to resist, I suggest you stay away from that old girlfriend.
You are happily married to your wife aren't you? Doesn't she still make you happy?
I hope that helps.
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