A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am confused about my feelings towards my husband. During my pregnancy last year he made me go through so much. I just can't seem to let go of these feelings and feel resentment towards him. I don't think I love him anymore and I am just so confused. Don't know if we should take a break from each other and see what happens. Is there such a thing as taking a break from your husband? I just don't feel anything for him. He damaged me so much mentally and emotionally that he doesn't even know how much hurt he put me through. When I speak to him about it, he doesn't seem to care. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
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female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (6 June 2011):
if you feel that you need a break from your husband, then you need one and don't let anyone tell you that it's morally wrong.
There's a reason you feel this way. In this case it's probably because of your husband's abuse. Your self-preservation instincts are kicking in, assessing that there's this threat that just doesn't ever go away so you feel desperate to "get a break" from the situation. The fact that your self-preservation instincts are even kicking in, already speaks volumes about your marriage and how toxic it is to your well-being.
Taking a break is also called a separation. Many people 'panic' at the thought of married people doing a separation, thinking that this spells the end of the marriage but even if so, so what? it's no one else's business except your own. They don't know you or your husband and what goes on behind your closed doors.
You can move out of the house temporarily, maybe stay with friends or family or if you can afford it you can rent a small apartment on a month to month basis. It does not "have" to be permanent if you don't want it to. there's no script to follow like in the movies that says once you move out it is permanent.
there are also ways to take a break (a separation) that don't involve moving out of the house. You could sleep in different rooms, and agree to not spend time together. Basically like being house mates only. However, this does involve communicating with your husband and getting his agreement on cooperating with these new rules. If your relationship is really bad, it's unlikely that he'll cooperate. If you're working with a couples therapist, then it's easier to do this kind of a separation where no one moves out of the house because the therapist is the third party mediator who sets the 'rules'. If you're not in that situation where you and your husband are in couples counseling, it can be very difficult to do this which is why moving out of the house is probably more practical.
But either way, if you desperately feel you need a break from your husband, then you do. You don't just feel that way for no reason, it's your emotional brain telling you that something is very wrong in your life, that he is a source of danger or a threat to your well-being, and you need to get away. It's your self-preservation instinct kicking in so you should listen to it.
Once you're away from him, you may be better able to assess your situation and make logical decisions about how to proceed next (whether to try to save the marriage, or to end it, or to just do nothing and go back to the way things were before the separation.)
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (3 June 2011):
 My "kneejerk" answer is yes, it's called divorce. But then I thought , Oh wait she might be serious. So, in that event just take a vacation by yourself. Let him know you're going so he doesn't freak out and call the cops. But hey we all want a break from our responsibilities now and then so what's the big deal?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2011): I think separation is an easy way out for couples that are having trouble together. It allows them to regroup but not as a couple. Im not saying you cant or shouldnt try it or that its wrong i just think its what people do when they cant fix things as a couple. I would look into marriage counceling or even therapy for you but ask him to go with you. If he refuses then it proves he isnt really willing to try for you. And i would consider a divorce
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A
female
reader, jdd +, writes (2 June 2011):
I think if you are unhappy and feeling emotionally drained, then a break is okay. I think you should be very frank with your husband about wanting a break and what it means. Sounds like you need this time to make some decisions, and that doesnt necessarily mean divorce. If he put you through a lot of hell, he should understand your reasons. If he is remorseful, he will do what he can to regain your love and affections. If he is not, you will see it very clearly. Please don't take offense for my next comment. Without knowing what he had done, it is hard to make suggestions. If it is something major (cheating, etc.) then I understand your position. If it is something not so major but it is affecting you greatly then you may want to make sure you don't have postpartum. Everyone has different limits, and bottom line you can't go through each day feeling the way you do. If it is cheating, then you and I have a great deal in common, and I understand what you are going through. You need to take care of you.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (2 June 2011):
 Breaks from a marriage are called separation. A couple separates when there are problems but they're not entirely sure things can't be fixed.
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