A
female
age
30-35,
*oeismeanyou
writes:I've had horrible experiences with exes. My first love cheated on me twice and both times he choose the other girl over me. That in a sense kind of left me emotionally scarred and since then I haven't had a relationship last more than a couple of weeks. Right now, I'm dating a guy and we've been bf/gf for a few weeks now and feels are starting to be involved. Everyday is a mental battle because I'm terrified he may leave me for someone else or he may be cheating on me or that he may be using me. Is relationship anxiety such a thing? Have any of you dealt with this before? If so, then how'd you deal with it?
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2016): The anxiety will always hang overhead if you've been hurt a few times. You just have to have control over that insecurity, and not let the insecurity have control over you. Every guy is different, and if you can't deal with what the last guy did to you, or you haven't gotten over him; you're dating too soon. You can set yourself up for self-fulfilling prophesy by always anticipating that a guy is going to dump you. He will, because he'll get tired of your clinginess; and he'll sense the anxiety in the air. Dating a flaky person is no fun. You'll take-out all your leftover frustrations from the last guy on the next one.
You have to take it one day at a time, and keep your mind focused on being the best you can be. Attentive, secure, confident, and fun. That's what we look for in people we want to date. Not someone still agonizing over the last jerk who did her dirty. Your anxieties are not his burden to carry, their yours to manage!
Look at each new romance as a start from scratch. Keep your head cool, and leave the past where it belongs. In the past. Don't deny yourself what you need and deserve. You can kill a good thing before it even gets a chance to start. It depends on you being mature, level-headed, and giving each guy a chance based on his own merit and character. Not based on a few bad choices in the past, and how weak and damaged you are. If he turns out to be a really nice guy, why should he deserve the last guy's damaged-goods? Pull-it together, girlfriend!
You need a dick-wad in your life to toughen you up, and to teach you what kind of guy to avoid. It also teaches you how to detach when you see red-flags, and builds your strength to recover when things don't workout. You have to be resilient; because you may have to weed out a few on your way to the guy who is right for you. Only the strong survive!
A
male
reader, DarrellG  +, writes (24 June 2016):
 Well its not so much relationship anxiety as a deep-seated fear of rejection/seperation. Obvoiously, it comes out in close relationships because this is when your at your most vulnerable, your feelings are obviously on the line a bit. I think what your feeling is quite common to be honest especially when you have had the negative experiences that you have so you can be comforted that you are far from alone. I can understand where your coming from but you have to actively fight this battle because if you dont then these feelings can swamp you and the relationship especially as it is at such a delicate/early phase. In terms of dealing with it. Talking, maybe to a professional, would help or a friend. It is easier to control our emoitons when we talk them out sometimes because we can being to understand them and control them. Maybe you should talk about the past as well because these scars have obviously not healed. You maybe need to explore the possibility that these issues may have deeper routes. Try and replace your negative thoughts with positive ones. Remember that just because you have had bad experiences before that doesnt mean you will again etc, etc.
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