A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been dating someone for three months now. The first two months were great, he was very affectionate and planned thoughtful dates (as did I). He reached out daily and I reciprocated. We met twice a week. However this month he's been busy with work and travel (supposedly) and we only met once for a brief dinner (he asked me out). He reaches out every 2-4 days, as do I, but when I initiate he takes hours to respond. I haven't spoken to him in four days now and feel he lost interest. I'm hurt but feel I should move on. Because we hardly spoke and saw one another this month, I don't feel a breakup is necessary. Is it appropriate to just block him on all social media and move on? He's been posting regularly on social media and I think blocking him is necessary for me to move on (otherwise I will keep checking his updates). Also, do I have to block his friends whom I also added? I don't feel that's necessary although he may find out I blocked him. I figured that if he notices and cares, he will reach out to me. If not then like I said i can move on. Thoughts? I don't like keeping exes or ex-dates on my social media sites.
View related questions:
a break, move on Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2016): OP here. Thank you and just wanted to share an update. He texted "Happy Fourth" (it's holiday here in the USA) on Saturday. I replied a few hours later with "You too!" and never heard from him again.I thought he disappeared so that was annoying...
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2016): Good for you, OP.
That is a reasonable response.
Just know that he might amp it up now that he sees you are brushing him off. He may begin a hot pursuit once again. That would be expected.
And definitely possible...
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2016): Female anon,
Thank you. :) He replied this morning with "Hey there! Sorry for the late reply... Been really swamped with (insert excuse here)."
I won't reply. I feel him dodging my question of whether he still wants to get to know one another (and doing the slow fade this past month) shows he doesn't care for or respect me. It's time to move on...
I really expected better from him. But his loss... :)
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2016): Hi OP.
You did the right thing.
Good for you.
At least YOU know YOU tried your best and gave it your best shot WIHTOUT REGRETS.
I hope it works out.
But if it doesn't, you are going to find yourself a great guy in no time! It is his loss!
You sound like a lovely person!
Good luck and keep us posed. :)
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2016): OP here. I already deleted our text thread but I suddenly remember I did text back... Said something like "congrats :) you made it home in one piece." Sorry for the misinformation. But I guess it's no longer relevant. I texted him around dinnertime today expressing my interest and if he would still like to get to know one another. I suppose I'll give him until tomorrow to reply. After that it's time to move on. I did my part and have no regrets. :) thank you female anon and all!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2016): Hi OP.Ok, all does not look lost.How do you know for sure that he would have taken 6 hours to reply if you continued the conversation by texting him back again? Maybe. Maybe not. I do understand your reasoning. But texting games can cost us relationships. Trying to determine how much somebody cares (or does not care) for us by text is common and in my opinion, a mistake. Texts and time it takes to reply is not always based on how they feel but rather what is going on in their lives. Not everyone is a big fan of texting. Is he a big texter? Or communicator? Has he always been? Or has he been the type that keeps texting to a minimum? Isn't big on long conversations? Tone in texts is hard to read too. You cannot see their expressions behind the words.My boyfriend hates texting and has throughout our relationship. I have fallen into the same trap as you and get pissed when 6 hours go by for a response. But he does not live by his phone nor is it always handy. He always responds. Sometimes quicker and sometimes it takes him longer. I have called him out on it many, many times. And sometimes I ignored him back for hours. Just got me so pissed. But I realized that it was my own expectations that I had a problem with. I expected him to be like me. Communicate like me. Well, he is another person altogether and has his own ways of doing things. Plus, he is a guy. Lol Guys are not big on texting like girls are in general. Looks like he was not trying to ignore you. If he was, he would not have answered your texts AT ALL. But he did and he did tell you how things were. You chose not to carry on the conversation. So, I will stand by my original advice. Call him up and ask him for a head's up on your relationship. Ask him if he's still interested and where you are headed. A good, honest talk. Maybe it scares you, but it needs to be done. If he was not into you like before, would you rather not know this before walking away? Instead of guessing and MAYBE being wrong about it, and walking away anyway?It might not be as bad as you think. From what you have just posted as an update, it looks better than I thought.Why not give it a try?At least this way you will know FOR SURE.Keep us posted. :)
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2016): OP here.
Female anon - I was the last one to text him on Monday. I said "how's life back home?" To which he replied 6 hours later "too crazy. We drove home this morning without sleep." I wish I said more but that was it. I guess I was afraid he would take another 6 hours to reply.
Before this, the last message was from him on Saturday saying he "survied" the first day of his trip, and we had a bit of small talk.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2016): Ok, OP.
You make some valid points which show his not being as into this relationship as you were.
I can see how you would be hesitant to want to talk to him when he has been behaving this way.
How did you leave it the last time you talked? Was the ball in anyone's court?
Were you the last one to text him?
You could send one last text and just say hey, what's up? And if he does not answer it or takes too long, then you will be able to make your decision pretty easily.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2016): OP here. Thank you everyone for your advice.
It's been a week since we last spoke, and two weeks since we last met for a couple hours. Two weeks prior to that was the last time we went on an actual date. He takes up to 24 hours to respond. I feel so much time has passed that it no longer makes sense for me to "ask" him what's going on.
He even posted online yesterday asking who wants to hang out this weekend. He knows I can see it and I feel it's intentional. I feel like asking will just reconfirmed what I already know - that he does not care about me or my feelings. But I will consider your advices.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2016): Why would you play a waiting and guessing game with him???
Just call him up and ask him outright.
Hey, havent' heard from you. How are things? Are you still interested in going out with me? Are you looking for a relationship at this time? Or something casual? Have a talk with him! It's not only his chance to say his peace but YOURS.
Why not get to the truth? The heart of the matter? Instead of waiting, guessing, worrying???
I don't get that line of thinking.
If you want to leave him, do it by knowing THE TRUTH!
Call him and TALK TO HIM.
SIMPLE.
...............................
A
female
reader, miss frank  +, writes (25 June 2016):
I agree with Ciar. Sounds like you've had two months of full on, but then a month of pretty much nothing. Sounds like you are pretty together about it. Leave it a week and see if you hear from him, but mentally have it in your head that its over. If things are so bad two months in, when the relationship is still in honeymoon period, and you have, for a whole month, noticed his contact drop dramatically with not so much as regular texts say how sorry he is, how he'd love to see you, but work is crazy busy but is getting better soon etc... You can assume this is the relationships level at best and at worst hes hoping it will die off now. If after the week, coupled with the month, you hear nothing then yep get rid on social media etc. Block from your phone if you want, but I don't see the point as he's not contacting you anyway.
...............................
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (25 June 2016):
 In this situation I think it's ok to simply stop contacting him. Give it a week or so then block and delete him. Delete his friends as well, it was way too soon to add them.
I strongly urge you not to ask if he wants to keep it casual as he will interpret that as casual sex.
Be upbeat, matter of fact and no complaining.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 June 2016):
 If YOU are no longer interested in him, text or call to tell him. Ghosting is "easy" but also so not classy in my book. It's such a cowardice way to end things.
If you ARE still interested but your imagination are reading a little too much between the lines CALL him. Don't rely on texts. Call him ask him out for a drink, talk things over. DON'T guess how he feels based on how fast he replies to texts.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2016): Isn't it better to COMMUNICATE, TALK TO HIM before jumping to conclusions and making decisions which are not based on any fact or reality? Remember, once it's done, it's done. And it will be hard to undo. So, think long and hard before you leap into action.WHY are you in such a hurry to unload this guy?Sh*t happens. Four days is not the end of the world. Sure, he isn't exactly doing his part, either. But if you really like him, you would try a little harder. Who knows? He could be a sh*tty communicator or got distracted. Some guys aren't as attentive as others or know how to be but it doesn't mean they don't care about you. Sometimes you have to tell them. Tell them what you want from them. Give them a chance to change their actions and behaviour. Instead of just throwing in the towel without giving them a chance to fix whatever is wrong. THEN, and only THEN if they fail to change their behaviour or repeat the behaviours you cannot live with, then walk away. But I am a believer in being open and honest and giving someone a chance before making worst case assumptions and being ready to toss them to the curb.Have you had bad experiences with other men and because you are afraid of being hurt again you are beating any other man to the punch? By just bailing on them by assuming they don't care about you?Call him and have a talk. Be honest and open. You have been together for a few months so this is perfectly acceptable. Find out what is going on and then make your decision. But to actually ignore him because of your own assumptions (not the truth necessarily) without even giving him a chance to explain or redeem himself is frankly pretty immature and wreaks of an individual without a lot of relationship experience.Either way, you need to know what is going on for sure. But if you are looking for a way out, because you don't really care about him, it is easy to hang your hat on the no contact for four days, you are now history excuse. Just an excuse to put him in the rear view.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (25 June 2016):
 If you are ready to end the relationship after 4 days of “contact” then by all means, do so.
Edit:
“no contact”
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2016): OP here. We're both 31. We met in person 3 months ago and have been spending weekends together up until this month. One month ago he stopped reaching out but I still did. But he takes hours to respond or is unavailable so I pulled back. We last spoke Monday, and last met two weeks ago for a brief dinner. That was our only meetup all month.
I didn't want to add him or his friends on social media. I don't like adding people I'm dating so soon. But during group dinner his friends asked to add me. I said ok and ended up adding him as well. Otherwise I would not have.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (25 June 2016):
At three months, you are still in the early stages of dating.
From some of the words you use in your post, a lot of what has been happening between you is online.
“He planned thoughtful dates.” That seems nice unless he’s just working off a “thoughtful date” protocol?
“He reached out daily.” As in, he took a few moments to send a text? Or he pushed the button which actually links you on a phone call? Or he walked/cycled/drove/took the subway over to your place and spoke to you face to face?
If you are ready to end the relationship after 4 days of “contact” then by all means, do so.
But if this relationship is so new (only 90 days) why would you have added his friends? It’s way too early!
When was the first time you met in person? How much time have you spent together in real life (this excludes texting and social networking)? Why are you so ready to dump him after 4 days?
You are 30-35 and obviously have some life experience that has guided you to this POV.
Why can’t you simply pick up the phone, push his number, and ask him?
“Hi, Elvis, it’s Priscilla! How are you??
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2016): Why don't you set up a date and ask him if he's losing interest; or wants to keep it casual? If he wants to keep it casual, then he has admitted you're in the friend-zone.
If there is sex, it should stop under those circumstances.
There should be no friends-with-benefits situation carried
on; if you know in your heart you want, deserve, and expect more.
Being busy is often a justified reason. It's also lame. If he's really busy, he owes you a frequent follow-up contact to let you know he's tied up, and when his time should be free. No explanation is just leaving you on hold, and that is inconsiderate. Your time is precious too. He has no right to leave you hanging; just to measure how much you're into him. Not giving you a clue as to how much he's into you! Leaving you waiting; so you'll be the one overjoyed when he shows up out of the blue. Some guys feed their egos by knowing women are craving them in anticipation. While sitting by the phone. That sucks!
I think you should play by your own rules. If you don't feel he's responsive and proactive enough towards forming a real romance; then at least tell him you're moving on. That's when you should block him from social media and delete his number. Don't allow him to call out of the blue. He'd either be looking for a booty-call; or checking to see if you're stuck on him, and he'll likely try to figure-out how he can manipulate you through your feelings. Never leave an open window, let it be final.
...............................
|
