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male
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anonymous
writes: I've been dating my girl for over a year now and its a seriuos relationship, we both intend to take it to the ultimate i.e marriage one day, but there's one problem she's got this male friend that I feal is a big threat, at first I didnt think it (their friendship) was a big problem as I was secure. Till they started going to club,for drinks, lunch and I just recently so an email from her mailbox exchanges of I miss you's between the two of them, I have told her about how I feal and that she should chose between me and him not to hide behind friendship. I made it clear that we cant be together, if his in the picture she insist that he's just a friend and she will not stop talking to him. In other words she chose her "friend". my question is, if she luved me would she chose her friend, is there something going on between the two of them or its just me overeacting. Surely if she wanted to be with me, valued our relationship, luved me wouldnt she simply do away with the friend Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2006): thanks everyone for your good answers, but I should say I didnt reveal the whole situation, my insecurty stretches from way back, for instance sometime back I was shocked to bump into her at a nyte spot having some drinks with male relatives so she said, I had come for drinks as well with the boys. they later hit the club which was next door, which she invited me after explaining in their presence.
I joined them at the club, but got suspicious by how they were dancing, it eased of when they saw I was looking.I just rubbed it off. after 1 yr she conffesed that the guy wasnt her relative, she recently cheated, now this friend issue. She has exhibited her instability by partying too. so its more than just a friend issue. Its her morals, i've suggested couselling to find out where she realy stands. Its either she's down or simply not the commitment type. I feal she should make a clear cut statement coz I Dont want to be hurt again
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2006): Sorry I am so late in writing.
No matter what anyone says,be it on moral,ethical or trust grounds,it is up to you to work it out with her.Some of the answers are pretty good like going out wit them but my query is what is the point if they are still going out on their own sometimes.I have a friend(female)who has a male friend of over twenty years whom they used to go out often together even when she was married.She said he is just a friend but she also said he often insinuate having sex with her.She said she hasn't been to that level with him but still if you are the bf isn't it weird and disgusting knowing everytime he sees her he wants to have sex with her.
Also I am with you that is she could curtail that friendship if she truly love you because it work both ways.She wants you to trust her and you want her to understand your pain/hartache in coping.Well I know which is easier to let go if I truly love someone.Furthermore,if you are going out with a girl to clubs,drinks and lunch I can bet my bottom dollar she would query that.You can try saying it is just platonic but it just doesn't sound genuine no matter how you put it.Go out together as a threesome but with no twosome in between is fine.
It is only my thinking and understanding human behaviour through experiences I believe you have a reason to be concern but talk it through with her and if there is true love then it will work out otherwise best wishes.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2006): I think there is alot of sentiment playing here. If it was reverse and a guy who is in question the reponses would be different.
She obviously has to exercise abit of moderation as some have said earlier because i really think jealousy would crop up in such a situation it is a human nature. What you did wrong is giving her an ultimatum between you and this guy. Talk to her and make her realise that she isnt making you happy.If she truly loves you she should understand.
Cheers.
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A
female
reader, stina  +, writes (19 October 2006):
 Hi Anon,
Look, it was extremely unfair that you make her choose between you and her friend. Why would you do that? Would you really feel good about hurting the person you supposedly love? You can't tell her who she's allowed to be friends with (just like she shouldn't be doing that to you).
Perhaps you feel threatened because you don't know this guy too well. I suggest going out with them the next time they go somewhere. Or better yet, why not invite him over for dinner and games? Try to do something fun, something where you can get to know this guy better and see why your gf likes him so much as a friend. If you do something where there isn't lots of loud much and such, it will give you all a chance to actually talk and see what kind of person this guy is.
The last thing you should do is jump to conclusions and assume that something is going on between them. It's not making your relationship any better is it? Do you feel better? Doesn't seem like it. And it seems as though your gf doesn't like it one bit, either.
So I suggest hanging out with them, get to know this guy, and maybe you'll gain a friend instead of create any hard feelings between the three of you.
Take care.
(PS - Just remember that relationship are full of compromises - and telling your partner who she can and can't be friends with is NOT a compromise.)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2006): Who are you people??
Let me tell you something... being with a person that you would consider a future with does not involve the jelousy that you are exhibiting here. Why would you be with someone that you cannot/chose not to trust? Or perhaps the jelousy that you are showing is your own insecurities? Relationships come and go, family and true friends are hard to come by,, when you involve yourself with someone you would be, not only taking them into your heart but the family and friends that they come with. Otherwise you only exist to please and to be with each other and that is when trouble, without a doubt, will come knocking.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (19 October 2006):
It's understandable that you're threatened but it doesn't actually mean you're correct about your assumptions. How often do they go out together? Was it a one time thng and something they have always done? In what context was the "I miss you " stuff? Don't forget you might be a little oversensitive about this.
The big question is, why aren't you invited to go out with them? These are the type things couples would do together. I mean, my wife wouldn't make plans to go out to a night club with a guy and not even invite me. That would be wrong. She has gone to play tennis with a guy from work. She told me she was going....that's no problem.
You can't back your girlfrind into a corner. She is allowed to have other male friends but she should also be wise enough to treat you like the most important one.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2006): your fears are understandable but in her eyes you will begin to look possessive (with these childlike demands to control who she socialises with) . this makes you instantly unattracctive and she may feel you regard her with ownership rights, which if they really are moving "closer" will simply guarantee you are out of the pictur. This may be difficult but get her to invite him round to spend some time with the both of you. Claim that your fears are based on the fact she doesnt have him in your company enough and that any man you didnt know is more of a threat than one you do. Get to know him, this will give you a clear idea of friendship versus romance. You should after some time be able to read the situation although given the intensity of your jealousy and her importance to you i would watch out i dont belive what proves my fears for the sake of it.
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A
female
reader, kellyO  +, writes (19 October 2006):
 well i would be upset too. This guy is obviously taking part of her time and the email message isnt a good sign. i really cant say if anything is going between them but what i know is that they have a special bond something that anyone would feel threatened by.
You said you have tried talking to her perhaps u should try again. Emphasize that if u were giving another girl lots of attention in that regard how would she feel?
If she still insist that they are just friends then perhaps u should convince her on a moderation to their friendship since u arent happy with it not making her not speak to him. The reason i'm saying this is because i do have some friends that have been with me since childhood and i cant do away from them even though i try to exhibit moderation since my fiance might not understand and i wont blame him really.
Take care dear and goodluck.
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