A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:This question requires a lot of backstory...I think I'm honestly mostly just asking it for the benefit of having written it all down somewhere, but I'm asking it none the less. I tend to be verbose when I write…I hope this isn't too long.I'm recently (less than 6 months) married to a girl I've known most of my life and been with for the last 6 years straight. She was also my first girlfriend, in middle school. We dated off and on in high school. We went our separate ways for a few years, but ran into each other and things started up again. At this time, I'd been extremely single for a couple of years. I was in my early 20's. I was lonely. She's always, always maintained that she loves me to an extent that, to be honest, I can't even comprehend, and has felt this way since we were kids. True love, if you will. I've never felt the same way, but we make really good friends...she's a lot of fun, we have a ton of common interests, she's incredibly smart and capable of amazing conversation and, if we're being candid here, I have a fair degree of certainty that I would never find another woman that loves me as completely and unconditionally as this one does.When we started dating this last time, 6 years ago, I knew going into it that I didn't feel anything near like what she felt for me, but I did care about the girl quite a bit and I figured that, with time and commitment, love would surely come. This was my mindset when we took it from an "oh hi nice to see you again" fling to a defined, structured, exclusive relationship.A few years later, love hasn't shown up yet. We've by this time moved to the city, gotten careers started, etc...and it starts to dawn on me that...I miss loving, essentially. I miss it and it's something I want to feel again. We were also having some pretty big problems in the relationship at the time. Eventually, during a big fight, I broke it off and moved back home.The breakup did not go well at all. Lots of jealousy and binge drinking ensued, on both sides. We both went pretty nuts for a while...It got really chaotic. She kept trying to get me back...eventually she drove all the way back to our home town and convinced me, somehow, to come back with her for a week and see if things could be worked out. I don't, to this day, know why I went. But I did.Against all better judgement, and probably largely fueled by the jealousy and possessiveness that watching your ex get on with their life can cause, the week never ended and I stayed. Without ever even saying so or deciding it, we're suddenly back together and things are still wildly out of control...it was just a bad, unhealthy relationship at this point...and then she got pregnant with our kid, which paved the way to our eventual marriage. The relationship's been a whole lot better since she got pregnant...I guess it gave us something outside of ourselves to work on and work for, and that something brought us closer together for a while. Our kid's going on 2 now though and a common goal just isn't enough. I love my family, though, and had pretty much resigned myself to sacrificing love, the kind I haven't been feeling, for them. Though rocky at times, more or less things had been going ok between us.But then I met this other woman. On the surface, she's got the right hair, body type, interests and general style to make me drool puddles on the floor. It's almost sickening how this person came together as this perfect storm of hotness and walked into my life. She lives in my apartment complex, which is populated almost entirely by people our age and in similar points in their lives. A lot of us hang out at night in the commons areas…it's kind of a small party almost every night. Sometimes it's a lot of people, other times just me, her, and one or two others. We both keep similar hours while my wife's on a completely different schedule, so we spend a lot of time hanging out with my wife not around. Beyond this, my wife offered her a job keeping our kid for a few days a week while she's at work and I'm in class, meaning that…she's going to be coming over to my house during the week while my wife is away and my daughter is asleep and…There's an obvious chemistry between us. Others are picking up on it. Rumors are starting. Nothing's ever actually happened…but my wife's getting jealous and she's got every reason to be, though I deny it fiercely. I can't stop thinking about her. I am consumed with thoughts of this girl and it's getting to the point where if I could be assured in some way that it'd pan out for me, I'd totally confess my feelings to all involved, get a divorce, and see where things could go with this new girl. Thing is, I know that this is, at this point, nothing more than a crush. But crushes are intense and this endless fountain of emotion directed toward this person feels…amazing. This is something that I've been missing for a long, long time and it's very nice to be able to actually…feel something. I have no idea if things would work out between us in the long run and I know that statistically it's pretty improbable but I am not happy in my current relationship and, even if only for a few months or a year or two, I feel like I could be a lot happier in a relationship where I was more than just the object of someone else's affection…I have a big heart and lots of love to give and staying in this marriage is slowly killing that part of me. I used to be a really nice, sensitive guy, but over the last 6 years I've devolved into a bitter, miserable ass. When I'm with this girl, I feel like that part of me is alive again. It is really hard to want to stay in this relationship while knowing how much happier I could be.I don't want to hurt my wife and I don't want to break up our family but at the same time…now that I've got a taste of what I've been missing for the better part of a decade, it's really hard to feel like this is a sacrifice that I'm capable of making for very much longer. Besides, it isn't fair to me…it's my own doing but it's not fair to expect myself to devote myself to a person that I cannot fall in love with. Beyond that, it's not fair to her either…she deserves someone that loves her to the fullest extent possible. She is an amazing woman, but just not the one for me. I hate to say it, but it's true.So, my question is…what the hell do I do now? Is this solvable? Is there some solution that won't rip apart lives and destroy families? If I stay, how do I avoid situations like what's happening with my neighbor? While I've certainly been enjoying the feeling of having affection, I'm miserable when she's not around and it's starting to have visible effects on other areas of my life, which of course includes my marriage. All I want to do here is the right thing. It doesn't have to be the thing I want, or the thing that will make me the most happy…it just needs to be a morally respectable move.Additionally, any tips on how to stop obsessing over this neighbor would be really nice.
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female
reader, Cheeks +, writes (8 September 2010):
 This girl could turn out to be 10X worse than your wife. Right now it's just lust. Believe me. You could be throwing everything away for a few months of bliss that may turn into years of pure misery. She's perfect you think, of course she is. You don't know yet that she's incredibly insecure or insensitive, a slob or whatever's her hang ups are. But just know she's got one or two at least. And spare your wife the terrible pain of being betrayed. If you can't help yourself and you think you love her- leave your wife first- at all cost don't let her know it's because of another woman and don't let her know that you feel more for this girl than you ever did for her. That would hurt her for the rest of her life. But I understand your situation totally and I can relate completely but the mistakes I've made have taught me a few things about forbidden love- for one: It's taboo for a reason- someone always gets very hurt, families get destroyed and someone always ends up regreting something. But most likely EVERYONE will regret something they did or didn't do. My relationship started out as a passionate affair and now, here we are struggling to cope with the mess we've made of everyones lives because momentary true love was just to hard to pass up.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2010): I've been in this girl's shoes, almost exactly apparently. Now I can't tell you how he feels but I can say I often wish we had gone about it differntly. The way things went down eventually brought resentment from him although he won't admit it. I'm left wondering whether we're still in this relationship only because he doesn't want to admit it was a mistake. I love this guy with all my heart but I certainly wasn't the dream chick he thought I was. In reality I'm a wedge between him & his children, I'm irrationally jealous of his ex/any woman & alienated from ever being welcome into that HUGE part of his life and since both of us have some morals remarkably, we both kind of lost repect for eachother. GO figure. I could go on but it’s a hard road, but don't shit on your wife. Tell her now & keep the girl out of it- even in thought. What is between the both of you shouldn't involve anyone else. Like someone else mentioned earlier, it would be embarrassing & painful for her. Just don't lose sight of what’s right and wrong because sprung for the first time in years. And don't be a snake or weenie & try to get away with anything it will make everyone look stupid in some form & will suck for a good long while should you get caught. This is just my opinion. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Oregongrl1 +, writes (30 August 2010):
Sounds like if it aint your neighbor it will be someone else! because for the simple fact you are not inlove w/ your wife! and when the effection is in your face and your at the point in your life! and feel nothing and numb anything is nice. i couldn't be in a relationship! where i felt as tho i was not alive and your wife, has acted very selffishly, caring about her own feelings and not yours by wanting you back no matter what even when she knew you wasn't totally inlove w/ her? it takes two and has to come from both in a give and take relationship! i mean there is no other way because if not it will never work and then there is nothing but hard times and you end up so regreting one another. we all take wrong turns in our lives and don't want to hurt the other so we stay and become so miserable and pretend and in the mean while all we are doing is only making things worse and stretching things out from months into yrs and yrs into what becomes a nasty bitter marriage! you have been so honest in your post and sound like a good person and dad, and if you decide to leave your wife! remember your not leaving your kid you are and always will be his dad! but know this if she is possessive by you and you leave she will make it hard on you and will use your child to get to you they always do i know! so do the right thing put your son, first! wait on a relationship! when you are settled in your mind and can make better choices you'll be much happier that you did the right thing in the right way that you will be a better person and better father don't compound things get yourself together your own place because when you do go to court and you will your wife will have nothing she can say about you or make it hard on you! and if that neighbor is still around and you still feel the way you do you will know it's not because of mixed emotions!
Best Wishes 2 u & son!
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A
male
reader, steve jones  +, writes (30 August 2010):
Yo, i can relate to your situation to a certain extent, im in a dead relationship with 3 young children i have met somebody who has blown me away made me feel alive more than my partner of 13 years ever has. This much i have learned m8, your relationship is over forget this other woman for now you feel nothing for your wife stop pretending you ever will and put your feelings first you at least owe it to your wife to find somebody who will love her the way she loves you. You are experiencing exactly what i am going through except it got to the point for me where 1 hour with the girl who made me feel so alive was better than a lifetime with the girl i was with. No matter what you decide you will experience pain the pain of leaving letting your child down or the pain of not knowing what could have been not only with this other girl but with your whole life you get one life dont settle for second best be a good father whatever you decide m8 good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2010): Wow-that's a tough situation you've got there!
On the one hand, if I was your wife, I wouldn't want to find out 3 years from now that you haven't been happy with me all that time--it would be embarrassing and it would hurt me greatly. So I'm tempted to say "rip the band aid off" and get the pain over with now. That way, you can find true love and she can move ahead to find someone that loves her back (which is really what you'd both want, emotions aside).
But, on the other hand, you have a child and it's difficult for children to grow up with parents divided--and there's bound to be resentment and bitterness on your wife's side (justified, I think) and that would filter down to your child and undermine your relationship with him. So that makes me want to say "get some counseling" and try to make it work with your wife. But staying together for the sake of the children rarely results in happiness on anybody's part.
If you don't love your wife, I just don't see any good thing coming out of the relationship.
I'm sorry that I'm probably not helping--only rehashing what you've already gone over and over in your own mind.
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