A
female
age
41-50,
*rancesgumm
writes: I met this wonderful man on Match.com and we really connected. He is 40. I am 32. We started going out over a month ago. For some reason, I felt really comfortable with him and revealed alot about myself to him right away: the fact that I was raped 10 years ago, the fact that I struggle with anorexia and depression... He seemed so sympathetic and understanding. I think I've really fallen for him. We even got very intimate physically very fast (though I haven't slept with him yet... but we have come close). It is very hard for me to trust men, considering what I went through, but I feel so comfortable and safe with him. However, two weeks ago, he called me up and said that he didn't think we should continue dating. He was kind of freaked out by all my problems, as he has many issues of his own. He suffers from anxiety and panic attacks and is in between jobs at the moment. He was married for 15 years and got divorced two years ago. I don't think he is quite over that yet. He told me that he really has strong feelings for me and is very attracted to me, but he is afraid of hurting me because he thinks this will not work out in the end. But, I don't agree. We still talk (just chatting on facebook), but I want more. I want him to call me. I am afraid to call him, as I don't want to seem pushy and I don't want to scare him further away. I just want him to give us a chance and see where it goes. I have explained to him that I am not asking for a commitment right. I just want him to give it a try. Can you help? Is there hope for this? I am not sure what else to do.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2010): Sounds like he was just looking for a companion without a committment. Plus the guy is 40 so it's highly unlikely that he is going to change. I think you shared to much of your personal life with him too soon and you allowed him to make out with you too soon as well. I think you should read some relationship books and seek therapy....both helped me. You are 32 years old, thus you dont' want to keep making the same bad choices as it relates to dating and men all your young life. If finding a decent man is your goal, then you have got to get serious about it...stop wasting time with men who are old enough to know better by now...it's not like this guy is 21 years old and trying to find his way through life...he is 40 years old and was married before, so he knows extactly what he is doing. Don't allow him to take you through loops, he has told you that he doesn't want the two of you to date anymore, thus if I were you I would cut off all contact with him and never allow him to be to contact you every again. He knew before he made out with you and had you open up to him that he didn't want a committed relationship, yet he led you on in a way. This guy can't be trusted and it's best if you cut your loses now rather than later.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2010): I'm sorry, I know it sucks. No there is no hope for it. He told you how he feels. He doesn't see a future and that's that. There is nothing you can do to change that. And not honoring his feelings and trying to convince him otherwise is going to be disrespectful to him and it is going to make you look pathetic. Walk away with your dignity. He said he didn't want to be with you? Fine. Respect his feelings, don't make him have to repeat it twice, and walk away dignified. That's that. And when you get home cry. But don't bother him anymore or try to find a way to "make him see that he's wrong and that you both in fact do have this connection that if he gave you more time he would see hinself..." NO. Stop. He already decided. So just lay off and respect that.
I know your hopes were high, you thought you were both on the same page and it turns out you weren't. This was simply a lesson for you to learn. Perhaps not to divulge so much information to a guy so soon (if EVER) in a relationship. Information like that is for your closest girlfriends. Men are a different species. As long as you are not hurting him, there are some things better kept to yourself and between you and your girlfriends, perhaps until the time is right (if it ever comes). That's the reality. I think this was a lesson for you to learn.
All you have to do is keep your head high, take the lesson from this, and move on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2010): Hi. If you were too full on and he has his own major issues its understandable that hes backed off. I know you have your issues. But listen to him and his. He has bad nerves, hes unemployed and getting over a divorce. So right now hes probably only on the dating site looking for a little lite relief. Hes stayed friends though and you are chatting. So just take it easy. Talk to him and learn more about each other beside the dramas. It may bloom into more but you cant force it at this stage.
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A
male
reader, Brunel  +, writes (9 May 2010):
Find someone else as this is over - come on - you know that realy you just want to keep the dream alive.
I do not think that this issue of yours is finished ? Have you joined a group that can help you put this behind you as by what you have told me it is all still raw.
So you have issues that need to be resolved because for you if you tell a potential partner so soon in a relationship =I fear they may be put off. Because we all fear dealing with oursleves and the problems of others?
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (9 May 2010):
 If a man is not interested, it is all over. Nothing you do will make him change his mind. You need to accept the reality and move on.
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A
female
reader, Plexi  +, writes (9 May 2010):
 The right man for you will accept you for you just the way you are with all your faults and imperfections...........if he can't accept you for your problems then he is NOT the wright man for you. No one is perfect .........only God is perfect. It sounds to me like you are even trying to lower what you would expect from him............do you really not expect him to commit to you if you to were to try to further the relationship? of course you deserve a commitment! You can try the friendship thing, but ask yourself how you will handle hi telling you that he met another woman and he loves her...........will you be ok and still want to be friends with him? I think that you need to accept that it's not going to happen and you need to find a man who is wright for you unless you want to wait for this guy till your hair turns gray.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2010): It could work but give it some time...I'm sure things have been moving very fast, at a pace he hasn't been familiar with in a long time. Try to be patient and offer a little space for the time being.
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (9 May 2010):
 I don't think there is anything you can do at this point. He has been honest with you that he is not comfortable with your issues, and I hate to admit it but that can be a deal breaker. He has a lot on his own plate at the moment and dating you may seem to him to be taking on a lot more than he can handle. It sounds like friendship is all he can offer you. Maybe it will turn into more down the road, but I doubt it.
Good luck.
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