A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Is there one person you've never got over?When I was in my early 20s I had a brief (2 year) relationship with a man. He was the first man to ever treat me properly and he was the perfect gentleman - for the first 18 months at least! The last 6 months were not as good as he moved away for work and this led to many arguments and eventually our separation.Many years have past, I have a husband whom I adore and two beautiful children. My husband is a wonderful man and I am lucky enough to lead a very happy life.As far as I'm aware the other man is also married.After he and I split up I heard nothing from him for 6 months, then he got in touch and we discussed what went wrong and were left with no hard feelings - closure, if you like.However over the years I've thought of him a lot. I'd go as far to say I miss him. If I had the choice between him and my husband, I would choose my husband time and time again but I cannot seem to shift the thoughts of this man from my mind. He lives in the area and very rarely we've both happened to be in the same place at the same time - the supermarket for example. We've made eye contact and it sounds ridiculous but I get the feeling he maybe feels the same way I do. I still get the butterflies feeling when I see him and a smile is fixed on my face for a short while after.I would never ever act on this even if I were in a position to, if anything I want to know how to shake these feelings once and for all.
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female
reader, Brokenv  +, writes (17 April 2014):
I had a love of my life and I can't get over him. But I realize that now.
I don't go anywhere where I might see him. I don't want to get those feelings again. It took me a long time to get over him and am able to cope with the loss.
I also realize that life and the people around me was way more important then what "could of been". I have stopped wasting my time.
It hurts but everyday I get stronger!
A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (16 April 2014):
Dear OP,
No. I got over my past and never want to go back to my ex, or any people I was in love with. If something ends, I believe it wasn't meant to be and I also believe break ups are always for a reason. That's how I accept when things end.
What helped me is to try and not get too nostalgic, also try and make the best of the life I have. Maybe it's not really that ex you're missing, but a part of life, a certain feeling, that you had back then? If you can explore this more deeply, you may find out why he is still giving you butterflies. Was it the gentlemanly way he treated you? Was it your youth and passion?
If you need to interrupt your sentimental journey, you can visualize all the bad things about him and why you two broke up. What's his nastiest habit? When does he look his worst? What's getting you really angry about him? This always helps me to snap out of nostalgia :).
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (16 April 2014):
 I agree with Auntie Eyeswideopen.
What you feel is normal. I think my first love will always have a big piece of my heart. We might never have worked out, but the time we had together was great. And I remember him fondly and when we do "talk" (we e-mail a couple of times a year about what's up in out lives) it always bring a smile to my face.
I am however, happily married and my husband is a good guy and I have no desire to BE with my first love. He just made a huge impression on me and it stuck with me.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (15 April 2014):
Believe it or not, its kind of evolutionarily wired into us to have these thoughts. Its too complicated to explain here, but rest assured that its normal and maybe the realization that its not him that makes you feel this way, but instinct might help you get over it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2014): "Is there one person you've never got over?"
No. I've had some great loves in my life but to me they were just practice runs/training exercises for my current relationship.
The one I have now is the best I've ever had, so I don't look back and think "what if".
I do see women around town I had amazing sex with and it brings back happy memories, but there is no longing there.
OP just understand there's nothing wrong with your feelings as long as you never act on them or let them grow intentionally then there's nothing wrong with them.
Just remember, it's the emotional memories and idea of him that make you feel this way, not the guy himself. You're looking back with rose tinted glasses like we all do, the reality is it failed as a relationship, you and he didn't work. Only hindsight is making you ignore that truth.
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A
male
reader, crushed_by_love +, writes (15 April 2014):
Yes and I think about her every day even though she won't even acknowledge me anymore.
If you can look back fondly without it affecting your present situation, then think yourself lucky for the experience.
So many of us are in a similar situation but feel nothing but hurt.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (15 April 2014):
 Yes! there is always the "WHAT IF" in everyone's mind, I can't tell you how to deal with it, 'cause I haven't figured it out yet after 50 years.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (15 April 2014):
 Why would you feel you need to shake those feelings if they bring a smile to your face? If you love your husband and are happily married then what's wrong with a butterfly feeling every so often? Harmless.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2014): It reassures me that you are still happy with your husband and would shoes him every time. My boyfriend still thinks often about a girl he was with once. It's causing me heartbreak and fights between us. He treats me very well, and I know he loves me but I wish he would get over it. Like you he would never act on it. I think the others are right about the what ifs. Like what if your husband felt like this about another woman. Maybe therapy would help. Be happy that you experienced the relationship with him and then let it go in case it turns into an obsession.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2014): yes, I also have never got over the ones I loved and lost and fantasize frequently how it could have been if I had stayed with them.I think it is kind and decent to remember with fondness the ones you loved and lost,while remaining as you obviously are, loving and faithful to the one you eventually chose to be your life partner.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2014): Hi, I can identify with you. As long as you don't act on those emotions your marriage is safe. Some things were just never meant to be. You say you will never act on those feelings, I have to wonder if the thought crossed your mind, then you have unresolved feelings. Just focus on what is important and try to avoid places where you will run into him.
Your past is history and its time to blow out the candle you hold. I did just took me very long and the hard way to realise and appreciate what I have.
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A
female
reader, Alba5 +, writes (15 April 2014):
You are living in the illusion of what if. He sounds like a lovely man just feel lucky you were once his but the cosmos decided he wasn't to be. If you do see him acknowledge him with a smile and a nod of the head and feel fortunate you found who you were really meant to be with and so has he.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (15 April 2014):
 I don't know that you will shake them. Your happily married with children and he is still in your thoughts.
I have been in love more than once but got over them eventually. Yes I may think about them here n there over the years if I do something or go somewhere I went with them, but they don't ever make me have butterflies when I catch a glimpse of them.
Out of sight out of mind. I am happy with my life. Are you?
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