A
female
age
51-59,
*qsssemee
writes:Three years ago, I gave up my career, left my two teenagers with my ex-husband(divorced 12 years), left my home, parents, and friends to move to the East Coast for a guy that I love. I moved in with him and his 10 yrs old son from his previous marriage. Life has been rough since we fight a lot due to our differences. His son is very disrespectful to me. He lies and manipulates my husband for everything he wants. My husband believes his son on all the made up stories and lies that my step son said about me. My husband reprimands me and does not support me.We fights and most of the time the fights would be about the boy and the boy's mother seeking financial assistance. Well! We got into a huge fight tonight and said all the nasty things to each other. This is not healthy for a family or for anyone's sanity in a home. My husband told me to move out. I am broken and beyond sad. Is there light at the end of the tunnel or is the light at the end of the tunnel from a on coming train? Any advise is greatly appreciated.Thank you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2012): After the extra information I feel this boy needs his Dad alone, he sees so little of him, he needs stability. His Mum has given up on him,favoured her new life and his sister.
This child needs therapy, needs to be steered in the right direction,needs love,to feel wanted.
Has your husband ever taken him for a weekend fishing and camping? To a ball game? Spent quality time with just him anywhere. Dads do this as a matter of course,no matter what the marriage situation.
Does the lad have any interests out of school, something with the other kids thats organised? Does he have friends over ? At the moment it sounds like its just you and him mostly so you bare the brunt of his war with adults.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2012): Appreciate the additional background info. Unfortunately it only serves to heighten the tension and makes your situation appear to be that much more impossible to resolve.
Not only does your step-son rarely see his father and therefore resent your invasive presence all the more, you are in the unwinnable position of having to act as sole authority figure and disciplinarian for a troubled kid who is carrying a lot of baggage while being used as a tool by hubby's vengeful ex.
It's difficult under most circumstances for an older kid to accept a step-parent's continued presence as an interloper even when step-parent defers authority to bio-parent, but as a military wife for you and him to have to co-exist during his father's prolonged absences would be difficult even with a loving co-operative bio-mom acting in her children's best interests, which this one certainly isn't.
You admit you hardly spent much "dating time" with your husband meaming you entered into a marriage bound to present difficult challenges completely unprepared with unrealistic expectations. Your step-son resents you for your unwelcome presence in his life and by now your own kids must resent you for your unwelcome absence from their lives.
Sadly it would seem you married the wrong guy for the wrong reasons and at this point your rash decision has managed to alieniate everyone directly involved. I'd say at this point it would appear your least objectionable option is to cut your losses with current spouse and step-son and begin healing the huge rifts you've inevitably created with your kids, parents and friends back at your real home.
Also, the best thing you can do for your husband and step-son is bow out and give them the opportunity to work things out before the kid becomes completely incorrigible. Kid's got enough problems with an often-absent father and a louse of a mother, your continued presence in his life, no matter how well-intentioned, will only serve to rub salt on the wounds.
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (14 February 2012):
 No he's not just a little kid, he is one mixed up manipulative little brat... lol. Not his fault, but I can see how he got that way.
No dad around, an unhappy lonely mother who is overwhelmed and busy with a 2 year old and an affair. So the 2year old is alright because she got all the attention, because she's the baby. This little boy, he had to work out things himself. Naughty behaviour gets you attention. If your difficult enough, adults give up. You really need to put yourself in his shoes to find out why he behaves this way and what he needs to help him.
Quickest and easiest way is therapy. This is one lonely, unwanted (he feels)little boy, who has missed his father desperately, needed him, and probably been scared that his father would die. It's not particularly you. His treated his mother the same, and if his father and mother got back together he would still misbehave. He doesn't like adults very much, but he does adore his daddy, because he never saw him, his daddy is now superman and can do no wrong.
Because daddy feels guilty, he lets the boy run wild... dumb thing to do.. one day this unhappy child will be a guy who takes drugs and drives cars at the same time. Or decides to take what is not his, and spends a long time in and out of jail.
This child can change. It's not because he's wicked, it's because he's sad. That's why therapy is needed, or you need to know how and when to take control. You can't go back into such a situation unless your husband can guarantee you 100% support. Otherwise, it'll be the boy manipulating him, your husband giving in, and you and the ex-wife will always be the evil witches.
You say his mother told him that he shouldn't listen to you. Are you sure about that, or is it more of his lies and manipulation. You need to get her on board if you can, she can't just dump her son and wait until he is an adult to visit him in jail. Or if she aint interested, then who cares what she thinks about how you raise her kid.
I want you to move out, do not stay in the house with this little demon from hell. Nope move out, but write 2 letters, one to the husband and one to the boy. To the father you tell him, he knows nothing about children and because of his absence the boy now how troubles at school. Tell him about the boys behaviour, the wicked things he does, not just the things involving you, but all the naughty things. Tell him you can't parent a child who you can't keep in the house and will end up under a car because there daddy is too afraid to let you be a parent. Tell husband you love him very much but right now you need some space. Tell him what to do at bedtimes and bathtimes, tell him that you'll be coming back.
Next letter to the boy. Tell him, he has won, just like he drove away his mother, you can't cope either so you have to go away for a little while. But tell him your coming back, and when you do things will change. Tell him that naughty won't bring him happiness, but it will only cause him pain. Tell him you will come back to help try to make things better. But right now your going away because your head hurts from trying to keep him safe. Tell him to look after daddy and try to be good.
Give them a month alone.. let his dad be the parent, let his dad explain to school, let dad try to keep him safe. I don't think this boy can be good for a month, and then dad will understand what you women have been dealing with.
When you go back, demand terms.. one is therapy for the boy (maybe family therapy as well) two is the right to give suitable punishments for bad behaviour, three is weekly meetings to discuss parenting issues. If you can get the boys behaviour even a little better then you can start giving out treats. Remember the letter, you promised the boy more happiness, so good behaviour deserves nice rewards, and they should include daddy, use daddy as a reward.
Maybe not exactly like this, but I hope you get the idea. Therapy and the right to give suitable punishment, followed by rewards for good behaviour, that's what we is fighting for here.... it will take a long time however, and even longer before this kid even speaks to you, let alone wants to be a friend.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2012): 10 years old is well above the age where he knows right from wrong. It does son no good to spoil him and treat him like he is 5 years old.
It sounds like your rules and expectations of Son are HEALTHY and NORMAL.
Has he ever had testing for any disorders? Bloodwork? What do teaches Suggest you do?
The thing I don't get about Husband is that if you are doing the Majority of the work- why is he not supporting you on parenting? Normally DAD should do the parenting and you support Dad. But so far, your reasons sound legit.
All I can say is FAMILY COUNSELLING ASAP! If you are as healthy as you come across- the counsellor will be able to get Hubby to see reason.
Otherwise Son will drive away ANY Woman and DAD will Be ALONE because what woman would put up with an angry, hurting boy that no one seems to want to help, save you?
And from going to a home of no structure to one of MANY RULES- could be overwhelming so I say start off small.
But again, work this plan out with Husband in Counsellling.
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female
reader, xqsssemee +, writes (13 February 2012):
xqsssemee is verified as being by the original poster of the question I dated my husband for 3 years before I married him. He is an active Army soldier. He moves for different assignment every 3 years. Since he belongs to the government and cannot make decision about staying or moving, I junked my life and moved with him to support him. My husband has 2 kids from his previous marriage. When I met my husband, the kids were 7 and 3. His ex cheated on him and dumped him right after he got back from a 14 months oversea deployment. They share 50/50 custody after the divorce. I met my husband a year after his divorce. I hardly spent much dating time with my husband as he was on overnight assignment. Any time he had time off, he would pick up his children to spend time with them. The little girl is adorable. The boy is a challenge. The ex consistenly complainted about the boy. A little prior to our wedding, the ex decided to give 100% custody to her ex husband because she could not discipline the boy and it was difficult for her dating life with two little ones. Anyhow, boy came to live with us after the legal paperwork became final. I am ok with my step son playing games, but only after he finished homework. He does not have to do anything in the house but play and go to school. I asked my husband to teach to say hello/bye to everyone when he comes in and leaves the house. Since his dad is hardly home, I wanted him to let me know when/where every time he goes outside. I wanted to know when to expect him and where to look for him. But this simple rules could not be done. He told me that his mother advise him that he does not have to listen to me. He talks back, lies, and argues about everything, especially his homework doing. He destroys other people's property (decorated plants in front other people doors). He took matches in the house and set fire on dried leaves. He catches beetles and frogs and pulls their legs out. He often disrupts classroom and calls teachers "stupid". We consistently get notes from teachers. He is in 7th grade now and he already has 2 disciplinary referrals. He told us that referrals are nothing until one get 12 in a year. I had to take off work to attend disciplinary meetings. So one day I decided to do a surprise visit to his classroom and sat in the back to monitor and to learn the type of behaviour my step son puts in class. He was very embarrassed and hates me every since. He does whatever to prevent his dad from spending time with me when his dad was home. For example, he would scream from his bed room to demand his dad to come over his bedroom....after a while if his dad does not respond, he would scream "I know you are having sex." Or "I'm hungry." Or "I am scared." Or "I have a stomache."My husband feels that he should do whatever his son asks from him. My husband feels guilty for being a soldier for leaving his mom and him too long to be oversea that why the broke up of the lil boy's family. I repeatedly told my husband that "you love you kids. You provide for them. You need to raise your kids in the way that other people will love them too." My husband would tell me that "He is only a kid so let him be."
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2012): First off.Why does Dad have son? Did Mom okay that or does son just visit? Is son around 24/7 or weekends? What is the schedule like? If son only visits 3 days per week- why does it bother you so much that son plays his games?You put too much into sons games and manipulations and need to keep busy -not playing to sons level.If sons lies, just say its an untrue and unfair statement and if Husband cannot see or accept son may and can be wrong- then he should not marry or date another woman.Because I am one of those People that Believe the MARRIAGE IS FIRST. When two people love and honour one another, they are the best example on how to teach and guide children on what a happy and healthy relationship is. So I would definitely suggest counselling.Secondly. I think you have a mistaken sense of self entitlement in that you gave up 'everything' for a man. A woman should NEVER have to do that. Doing that shows the Man you can't be trusted or deserve respect, especially from a selfish, controlling abusive Man.So even from that, I can see how things spiralled out of control.EX WIFE is entitled to child support so to think you have say over that is wrong. Just how it is. In Canada, child support is about the ongoing care of son. Its the rights of the son and no one can take that from the son.You can be upset that he goes above and beyond on payments and if there is no set amount based on his income, then yes, Ex Wife can abuse this situation and keep at your Husband for more and more so if thats the case, understand your side BUT, you work with Husband on that. So counselling would be best to address your concerns.Bottom line is that you both need to gain the skills of open, honest, loving, effective communication skills which also include on how to listen and WHEN to listen.In the end, if this is indeed an abusive relationship, and I do think it is- leave it.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 February 2012):
 DO NOT MOVE OUT without consulting an attorney... you can be charged with abandonment...
second marriages often have issues about child rearing and money....
the light at the end of the tunnel comes when the children are grown and gone... my girlfriend had this with her hubby and now they have grandchildren from his kids...
the issues are still there that his children disrespect their stepmother but since they are adults it's not as painful...
would he go to family counseling with you?
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male
reader, Honest Answer +, writes (13 February 2012):
 There is light, but you are going to have to get out of the hole you are in (marriage) in order to see it. You are so young, and have a lifetime ahead of you to look forward too.
Move closer to the kids you left behind, and move on with your life. There is happiness, but you have to get out of the situation you are currently in.
Good Luck!
Jeff
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2012): You chose a guy over your kids but unfortunately the guy ultimately chose his kid over you. Can't say that I blame the guy, his son has every right to resent a total stranger (to son) moving in and further disrupting his life when he probably hasn't recovered from his parents splitting up. A ten-year-old is under absolutely no obligation to bond with, like or even get along with any stranger with whom he's suddenly and unfairly expected to share his home and father.Sorry, but I'm taking the kids' side, his and yours. Both new hubby's and your obligations as parents of minor children should supercede your love lives. Also, when you become involved with the father of a minor child it's always a package deal including both the kid and his mother. You should have been prepared for situation you're in now before the fact as it was an obvious and likely possibility from the start.
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reader, eddie85 +, writes (13 February 2012):
 It sounds like no matter what, your husband's son will always be #1 in his life, despite you being his wife. It is a tough balancing act for a man to juggle his allegiance to his child(ren) and his wife and it sounds like it may have shifted a little too much towards his son.
At this point, it sounds to me like you have one of two choices to make. Continue to have relations with your husband and seek out counseling or take this as the light at the end of the tunnel and seek your freedom.
You don't go into details about what the fight was about, but it sounds like things have been brewing for quite some time. At this point, you have to come to a decision: Has your relationship deteriorated to the point where it is irreparable or isn't worth saving? With counseling, do you think you and your husband can learn to communicate effectively and work TOGETHER to raise his son?
Finally, are you cut out to be a step-parent (not everyone is)? It requires a TON of self-sacrifice and often times you have to realize that you will ALWAYS be in second place in terms of the family structure. I would encourage you to examine your role as a step parent and possibly accept that it may be more than what you bargained for. You'll have to make some personal adjustments in your expectations and not hold grudges when family finances and obligations go to supporting his ex-wife.
It sounds like you have some thinking to do. If you chose to stay, Valentine's Day if a fantastic way to work things out.
Best wishes
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2012): I disagree with the poster below who says that children should and have to take priority over one's spouse. That's a sure way to kill any marriage. Marriage is for the spouses, not for the children. If your spouse is only an accessory to your kid, to be discarded whenever the kid wants something, then why even be married? I can't imagine anyone would advise that for an intact nuclear family with both biological parents still married but where the kid doesn't get along with one parent but gets along great with the other, that it's healthy or right for the kid's wishes to come first at the expense of the marriage. So why would people say that for second marriages involving stepchildren that this is how it should be?If your husband is going to let his kid rule your marriage, then your husband should not be in a marriage in the first place, he should stay single. people like your husband who have a no understanding or respect of where boundaries in different relationships lie, should not commit themselves to being in such relationships in the first place.since you are already married, and I happen to think that marriage is important and not to be discarded because of the kids, I would suggest that you and your husband see a marriage counselor. If your husband refuses, then you have your answer as to whether there is any hope.
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (13 February 2012):
 I am so sorry you are going through such a terrible time. Your husband cannot just dump you out of the house but maybe you should spend a little time apart to cool down and reassess the situation.
There needs to be a whole lot of compromise on all sides (including his sons) for things to get back on an even keel and right now that probably seems impossible.
Only you know how much your husband loves you and only he knows how much you have given up to be with him. I hope he understood that when you two got together.
Children of that age are often difficult. They are hurt and often spoilt when a divorce comes about and they get very used to getting their own way. You know the only person who can tackle that issue is your husband. If he is unwilling to do that then the relationship does indeed look in a bad way.
There is light if your husband truly loves you and you truly love him. If he has already given up then perhaps he didnt think things through fully before you guys got married.
Give him a week or so to cool right down and get things straight in his head. You can let him know that you still love him and want to mend things but leave it at that until he comes to you. Then things will be clamer and you will have an opportunity to talk as adults.
Really I feel for you and I am not going to judge you for leaving your kids and your previous life, because sometimes you just have to do what you have to do (and men do it all the time and are never judged).
Good Luck and let us here at DC know how it goes!!
xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2012): Sorry to hear how sad things are going...The fact that 3 years ago you left EVERYTHING for this man that you love, is there still love there? Mutual love? Following your huge fight and him asking you to move out, do you believe that is final, or a "in the heat of the moment" decision?If it's final, then perhaps it's time to regain your sanity in a healthy home environment again.If however it's not final, then a lot needs to change. I'm sure seeing a professional would not go amiss, as your husband needs to support you, and you need to have a unified front with his 10 yr old son, in dealing with his behaviour issues. I believe there is light at the end of the tunnel - this huge fight has forced the issue that if you move out, it's going to allow you to reconnect with your past life: your own teenagers, your family and friends and career which you left. If however you stay, it's now the chance to change things to an acceptable level, where you have a happy healthy relationship which does not allow his son to come between you, if handled differently.Wishing you the best,xxxx E
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2012): You took a huge gamble to be with this man,leaving everything behind to move. I wonder how well you knew him before you took that huge step.
It sounds like you need to make another move now, out of his home, I hope you have family or friends you can go to?
This mans son has won the battle of wills and he will always come first for his Dad. Children have to, they take priority.Taking on step-children is never easy and for him to be living there with you means he would see you as the outsider taking attention from his Dad.Your husband is offering you no support by the sounds of it...its not a good situation for any of you
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