A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Towards the beginning of my relationship with my boyfriend I found out he looked at porn. I asked him not to, because the thought of it made me feel very insecure. He agreed, and promised that he'd stop looking.But he didn't, and after a while a pattern developed: I'd find out he was watching again, he'd promise to stop, then swear blind that he had stopped, then I'd find out he was looking ... Recently this happened again, less than a week after he'd told me that he had completely stopped and hadn't been near the stuff for months. The reason he had stopped, he said, was because he had some pictures of me that really turned him on and he no longer needed porn. I was really pleased, so gave him another picture of me ... only to find that within five minutes of viewing it, he'd downloaded and watched a whole bunch of porn videoes.So we talked about this, and he said the reason he still looks is due to stress at work, and that he feels he needs a break from everything during the week. He sees me at weekends, but because I've been stressed recently too (finding it difficult to get a job after uni, etc.) he feels he doesn't really get a break at weekends either because he's busy sorting me out then. He said he really needs me to be the part of his life that's working out ... Obviously I felt really hurt when he said this because it felt like he was blaming me for his porn use, but I have been making an effort to make our weekends together more fun so that we can relax. I asked him to stop, and he said, 'Ofcourse. That goes without saying.' And that was the end of the discussion.The thing is, I don't think it does go without saying. Not anymore. Because he's lied to me so many times about this before, and carried on doing it, that I just don't believe him anymore that he has stopped. I'm a bit nervous about bringing the subject up for discussion, in case it 'stresses him out' or something, but I really do feel the need to talk about it, because it's still bothering me.Basically, I want to give him an ultimatum. I want him to understand that the pictures he has of me are instead of, not as well as porn. So if he doesn't really intend to stop the porn, I'm not comfortable with him having the pictures of me anymore. Or that if he does want the pictures, he absolutely must give up porn. And I want to ask him if I can install porn blocking software on his computer. Because it's so easy for him to say, 'yes, I've stopped', but just carry on - as we've found out many times in the past. But if he really has stopped, then having the software won't make a difference because he won't be going on those sites anyway, and if he intends to stop, then it will help.Maybe it's not fair of me to ask this of him. But he's lied to me so many times about it that I just don't trust him when he promises to stop anymore. And I don't think it's fair on me to keep lying if he doesn't intend to stop. At least if that's the case, I'll know.So I guess what I'm asking is for people's opinions on this. Should I bring up the subject? What should I say? Is there anything I can suggest instead of porn blocking software that would be fair on both of us, and that would make him stop lying to my face? Is he likely to be angry that I don't trust him, even though he's given me so many reasons not to? And does anyone have any other suggestions to get him to stop?Thanks
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male
reader, Presto  +, writes (13 September 2010):
 Have you considered that fact that he might be breaking his promise to not watch porn as retaliation for something that you're not doing yourself?
As a married man I find that I sometimes find myself making decisions that are albeit emotional but as a codependency act of "this for that". My wife didn't do what she promised so I'll break a promise of my own.
Perhaps, he hasn't stopped watching porn because you haven't "......."??
You want to give him an ultimatum, that's the worst thing you can do. Ultimatums are a schedule for disaster in a relationship because there is an "or else" which doesn't solve anything.
You need to be realistic with yourself and ask him what are you not doing that is resulting in him breaking his promise to stop watching porn. It's a hard pill to swallow to think that you might be in the wrong here. It's better to understand what the real problem might be, work to fix it and move on, than to break off the relationship.
I suggest that you talk to him and ask him if there's something that you're not doing that is resulting in him continuing to watch porn after he promised not too. You might be surprised that it's something very simple that you're doing that you don't find offensive but he does. He's watching the porn to get back at you.
My wife and I were seeing a marriage counselor who specialized in sex in relationships. Perhaps this is something he'd consider if you'd be open to talking openly about your concerns with a 3rd Party in the same room. Might reveal a lot about your partner and yourself. It can be very emotional too, but that's why we're in these crazy things called relationships. Better than being lonely.
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (9 September 2010):
 Sorry, had to just add this last part.
Porn girls are no threat to you. He finds you sexy or he wouldn't be with you. You are pretty and he dosen't want to change you. He would hate if you looked like them fantasy girls. They are pictures, and yes they are enjoyable for a moment. But your the real thing. You hug him, fight with him, laugh with him, smell nice to him.. Men don't stay with women who they don't find sexy. If they think your ugly then their dick doesn't come up.
Ask him to treat you nicer and make you feel pretty, because being around them women with surgery makes you feel ugly and silly...
Don't worry, men can definitely understand that, they can feel ugly sometimes too. Maybe if he treats you extra special you will realise how important you are to him.
You need to find the beauty you have for yourself, and it can't be bottled and sold in shops because you are totally unique.
Blessings babes, I hope you and him find a way to solve this problem together.. :)
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A
male
reader, CommandoDude +, writes (3 September 2010):
 Likening his reaction to you looking at a poster of Bruno as jealousy is seriously faulty. Have you taken into consideration how he feels about the movie? I thought it was tasteless and dumb. How do you know if the feelings he expressed were not jealous but that of a loathing for your interest in what he could perceive as a poor movie.
I don't know of any men who find porn 'threatening' this almost seems to be exclusively a female issue.
Also, simply put, you shouldn't expect your boyfriend to only ever fantasize about you. It's an unreal expectation. Too much of the same. If he only ever thought about you, the prospect of thinking of you sexually would become less and less arousing, men like verity. I barely ever watch too much of the same kind of porn for long periods. If you want to have a functioning sexual relationship.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (3 September 2010):
 That's definitely a good way to go about it, if he can look at porn, so can you. It probably won't make him talk, but I doubt he'll feel so blasé about it if he felt threatened too. It's not too hard to find hot gay guys with six packs who are extremely well-endowed. And like you said, it does turn you on a lot. Plus gay porn isn't usually so degrading. See how he feels when the tables are turned.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (3 September 2010):
Please join our discussion about pornography in relationships.. I think you will find it helpful. Even if you continue to dislike pornography it will at least give you stronger reasons that you will be able to challenge him with.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-is-there-no-middle-ground-when-it.html
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (3 September 2010):
"I know he's not actually having sex with them, but if he actually went to a prostitute and had her perform sex acts for him while he pleasured himself, that would be cheating. So I guess I don't understand why hiding behind a computer screen to watch prostitutes makes it ok."
So your dislike of pornography is more of an intellectual thing, not because it makes you sick and you find it disgusting. Indeed, in your post you said you can see why he finds it arousing and turns him on. That's ok, your values and standards are important. But why dose he have to think or feel the same way?
mmmm.... amateur porn is not done by professionals. It's normal men and women in their bedroom, does this still make it prostitution.
How can a video or magazine be like prostitution? That doesn't make sense. Prostitution involves somebody actually touching somebody. In prostitution you pay for a woman to have sex with you. Pornography is paying to watch two people recreate sex. Yes they are having sex, but I can't touch them and I can't join in. How does watching strange people have sex become the same as prostitution.
I walked on the beach one night and saw two people having sex. Does that mean I was involved in prostitution, or did I join in an orgy just because I saw what they were doing when I walked by.
If this is the only reason you dislike pornography, your views seem ill informed and more like prejudice or some type of ill formed feminist nonsense. Men are in pornography too, are they also prostitutes. Who is using who, who is the prostitute when both male and female actors get paid. Are lap dancers and strippers also prostitutes. Are amateur performer's who do porn for no payment also prostitutes.
You have your views, but you are forcing them on him. You have decided to think something and now you want him to believe the same way. Very different from his behaviour. He watches porn on his own, he enjoys it, he doesn't force you to watch it, he doesn't demand that you share his views about pornography.
How far does this go. If you go vegetarian is he expected to give up meat. If you become a fundamentalist Muslim, does he have to change his religion.
You dislike pornography because you have made up your mind that it's prostitution. That's no reason to demand somebody give up something. We human's have different views about all kinds of things. The world becomes stressful and wars and fights start when we try to force our views on other people.
Yes take back your pictures. They were not given in the right spirit, which is a woman in love who wants to give her man pleasure. No, you tried to make sex into a bargain, just like the prostitutes do. In your case, the payment for him giving up pornography, was pictures of you. Since he hasn't managed to keep his end of the bargain, you want your pictures back, because they were payment for him doing what you want him to do.
Prostitution also occurs in relationships. Trying to buy or manipulate somebody into doing something that pleases you. Paying somebody with sex instead of convincing them with logic.... I personally see no difference between selling pictures for money, and selling pictures to change behaviour. Both is using sex for gain instead of using sex to have fun.
Ask for your pictures back. There is no competition between porn and you. Men want it all.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou for taking the time to answer this. I've decided not to bring up the subject of porn blocking software with him. As for questions about why it's a problem - to me, the porn models are like prostitutes: they get paid to do sexual things to get men off, and my boyfriend seeks them out and gets off to them. I know he's not actually having sex with them, but if he actually went to a prostitute and had her perform sex acts for him while he pleasured himself, that would be cheating. So I guess I don't understand why hiding behind a computer screen to watch prostitutes makes it ok.
I do have an issue about the lying. It makes me angry that he can lie to my face. Makes me wonder what else he lies about. If he's not prepared to give up porn, I'd at least like him to be truthful about it, like Smilek's partner seems to have been.
I have tried looking at porn myself. And I can see why it turns him on. But that doesn't make me any less insecure. We've actually talked about how he'd feel if I watched naked guys, and he claims he wouldn't be jealous. Yet one time, we were in France and saw a poster for the film 'Bruno', and I was sure it was way more revealing of the guy's butt cheeks than the one in Britain, and he acted really offended that I was checking out another guy's bum. So I wonder ... should I look at porn of guys and leave it lying around? Maybe I will. Maybe I'll enjoy it, and maybe if I'm doing it too it will make me less jealous that he is ...
In that case, can anyone suggest any good sites?
Still one issue left - that of his photos of me. I'm frankly insulted that the last one I gave him (I guess as a kind of reward because he said the ones he already had were plenty enough and he'd stopped porn entirely ... without my asking, by the way, so I don't feel I 'forced' him to tell this lie, he just came out with it), he looked at, then went off to a porn site to finish himself off. I do feel like he finds the porn women more attractive and desirable than me, because he has images of me, yet he still chooses porn over them. And he knows very well that if he wanted videos of me, he could have them, because I told him so. But he declined and said that the photos were enough. So he has the option to watch me, but instead chooses to watch someone else.
So I want to take the pictures away. If he's not going to stop - and I suppose that's fair enough, I do sometimes wonder if it's fair of me to ask him - then I honestly feel that it's not fair on me for him to have these images of me. Because he received them on the understanding that they were instead of, not as well as. So I think it's fair if I have him delete them.
Thanks again for all your answers. I think my decision is - No porn blocking software, but no photos of me.
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A
male
reader, CommandoDude +, writes (3 September 2010):
If you give him an 'ultimatum' you will seriously damage, if not end your relationship with him. Men hate to be or feel controlled, or that their lifestyle choices are 'unacceptable' And this 'ultimatum' will only drive him away from you, the answer of which will only signal if it is immediately or eventually.What you don't realize is that you're hurting him yourself. You're trying to deny him something that he obviously likes to do, porn is an excellent stress reliever. If he continues to 'Promise not to watch porn' and then immediately starts to again, its a sign that it's not a promise he can cope with.Instead of trying to control him, you need to come to terms with your insecurities, and you need to discuss the issue with him.His protracted lying is another issue altogether.
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A
female
reader, smiliek  +, writes (3 September 2010):
 Sweets, what you need to understand is that you cant 'make him stop' If he doesnt want to, he wont. He most likely doesnt see it as a problem. Guys generally view porn as very harmless. And you cant change anyone. From his point of view, he thinks it harmless and helps him relax, destress etc. From yours it hurts you, makes you insecure. You need to try and understand that he doesnt compare you to porn actresses. He'd most likely only be watching the motions of sex. I have gone thru the same thing with my fiance. However i never gave him the ultimation to stop. I knew i couldn't change him. And if we were to be together happily i shouldnt try to. He did lie about looking at porn tho and that was my problem. I hated getting lied to. I nearly left him due to the lies, but when he realised i wasn't going to stop him actually looking and that it was his lying i hated, he stopped lying. Have you ever tried watching porn yourself? I hadn't. My partner always told me it was what they were doing that turned him on, not what they looked like. I didnt believe him. Then i watched some by myself one day. The actors and actresses aren't really attractive at all. And i found myself watching what they were doing and remembering what its like to do with my man, or imagining what it would be like with him. So i realised that if it was true for me, it'd be the same for him. Once i realised that it was easier to accept. Im now at a point that i can accept he uses it, but he will only ever do it certain amount per wk, he was willing to compromise with me on it. So he doesnt do certain things that make me worry, and he doesnt lie, and i dont talk about it or ask him not to do stuff etc. Compromise is much better then just expecting one person to give up something for the other. I hope this helps
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (3 September 2010):
Elvis and Marlon Brando were severely over weight.. I'm sure they told the doctors they were trying as they thought about the 12 hamburgers the ordered in.
In the real world, people like stuff and lie when someone tries to take it away. Sure they could tell the truth and give up bad food.. but they didn't and now they are dead because of these bad habits. They weren't addicted to bad food, they liked them, and life aint worth living if you can't enjoy your pleasures without somebody telling you that you are wrong or bad.
She's trying to change him.. he's not changing her..for him love means accepting the other person. Women fall in love and then want to change the man to someone else. What happened to loving someone unconditionally and accepting them?
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (3 September 2010):
Q is another good example.. again another man frightened away from helping with porn issues. He used to be very vocal, but like me, his advice has become softer and changed, and sometimes he says things to please and not what he actually thinks.
We can see the change in our behaviour, we can see how difficult it is to stay truthful without hurting people.
The problem is that buying into insecurity doesn't make that insecurity go away. She'll still be wondering "If he wants to look at porn, and if he thinks she's the most beautiful woman in the world."
Women get stronger when they deal with their own issues, weaker when they demand the world change and buy into their low self-esteem.
The women who are most successful with the porn issue are the women who listen and modify their views. That includes me, as I'm willing now to look at the sadness and harm these women feel. Saying it's my way because I'm right, that doesn't produce a happy or productive life.
Q will tell you how nice I am to women now... I was very insulting about anti-porn women before. I have learned, so has Q, we are sad watching the amount of women who don't learn or change their views, because we can see their relationship becoming destructive.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (3 September 2010):
Saying that she forces him to lie because she doesn't want porn in her relationship is pretty unfair. That basically puts women with this opinion in the position of, allow my porn openly or shut up. My way or the highway. It puts no responsibility on the man to say, not lie, or to actually take responsibility for his own actions. In these arguments the idea that the man could actually stop watching and take his girlfriend or wife's feelings into account. Just because she doesn't want porn in her relationship does not in any way give him an excuse to lie or force him to lie.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (2 September 2010):
PS: Your guy understands your feelings, but he doesn't agree.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (2 September 2010):
He won't let you install porn blocking software, and if he does he'll just get video's and magazines and watch them instead. Men lie about pornography because you force them too. Your not comfortable with porn, but he is. It makes you feel insecure, it makes him feel manly, more self-confident and more in control. Pornography causes you stress, pornography gives him stress relief.He doesn't really want to lie, but you leave him very few options. If he doesn't give up pornography, you'll get upset and leave him. If he tells you the truth about why he likes porn, your get even more insecure and you'll call him names. Removing the pornography won't make the issue go away. He'll still find ways to get satisfaction from thinking or doing sexual things and still being the man.Your right not to trust him, he can't be trusted where it comes to porn. Your fighting a losing battle on this one. Same as when somebody over weight swears they only eat lettuce every day. Do they need fizzy drinks, crisps and cakes.. nope, but they like them and will do everything in their power to get them.Putting porn blockers on his pc changes the power balance in your relationship. Now your more than just his girlfriend, you've turned into the mother who always spoils his pleasure, he'll associate you with control, restrictions and the removal of fun. Men make jokes about not getting married, because "her at home likes to spoil all the fun". Men often compare relationships with being in jail, because relationship seem to be about changing them and changing what they do and putting someone else's values and happiness as the most important thing. Men often complain that there is no equality in relationships, because relationships are based only on a woman's idea of happiness.You must do what you have to do. But don't be surprised if this also doesn't work. You hate pornography and it makes you feel sick. It's important enough to you to keep fighting about it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2010): This is a really difficult subject with so many women because so many of us are uncomfortable with the idea of porn. My question would be to you is what makes you feel so insecure about it? Is it him looking at other women? If so then the issue is with yourself and your self confidence so try not to think he is doing this because he finds those girls more attractive because he doesn't. I know exactly where you are coming from believe me but I try to look at it from a man's point of view, men are stimulated visually, simple as that. Just because your man is watching porn does not mean he finds those women any more attractive or arousing than you so please please don't think that. Even if you ask him to install this porn blocking programme I can pretty much guarentee he wil find it elsewhere if he wants to. You need to make him understand why exatly you find it so uncomfortable and make him realise how upsetting it is for you. Would he like it if you were watching naked men? Would that change things? As you are in a relationship you deserve to be heard and your opinions matter as much has his so don't let this drop. If he wants to keep watching porn then ask him if it is worth hurting you for. Good luck.
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