A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello all. I am a first time poster here. I need some general advice about what to do!I love my boyfriend very much. We have been together just shy of a year and he treats me wonderfully. He is a true gentleman and always treats me like a queen. My problem is that I have battled with some mental health issues along the way. I have been diagnosed with PTSD and also have general depression. Due to this, I know that I have not been able to treat him the way I know he deserves. I haven't always been fair to him. I've broken up with him when he didn't deserve it, on multiple occasions, because I was overly stressed, anxious, and depressed and took it out on him. I've said some really hurtful things to him during those times about not loving him and that our relationship was just an inconvenience and in the way, among other hurtful things that I didn't mean at all, and no doubt made him feel really bad without intending to.In response, he has always been so patient and understanding with me because he knows what I'm going through. He says he knows I didn't mean the things I said and has always fought for me and our relationship and told me he would do whatever it took to make us work. He has forgiven me time and time again for breaking up with him and saying some of the hurtful things I have said. However, now that I feel that I am in a better place with my mental health and won't treat him like that anymore, he seems to have lost all faith in me and assumes the worst now. And I can't blame him because that's what I've shown him over and over. I've reinforced that I'm going to break up with him all the time when ever we have a small fight or I am stressed, leave him, and say awful things. And now he is insecure and almost apathetic. He's lost all faith in me being there and fighting for us. He doesn't believe me when I say I'm not going anywhere anymore, and that I'm here to stay finally. I think he holds a lot of resentment and hurt over what I did. He says to just be patient with him and reinforce that I'm not gonna leave him anymore. But I just feel so bad. He never deserved this.I guess my question is is there anything I can do to help him? He says he wants to learn to build back the trust that was broken and that he wants to stop assuming the worst, but that it's just going to take time of me showing that, rather than just saying it. And I know he's right. I know I need to show it rather than just tell him. He's looking for actions, not words. But is there anything else I can do to help show him how much he means to me and how much I'm sorry for my past behavior? Anything I can do to ease his hurt from my past actions and show him I'm not going anywhere anymore? He really is so important to me and I never meant to take such a toll on our relationship by my actions. I was just in a bad place then. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you all!
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female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (23 October 2013):
 As a fellow sufferer of depression myself, I understand where you are coming from and even though I rarely have outbursts myself I know that other sufferers do and it can be very hard to control when you have feelings of guilt and shame and paranoia all rushing through your body.
It's important to have coping mechanisms, exit routes from tormenting feelings and time outs from other people when you are feeling your worst.
Your BF seems very loving and understanding and that is a rare and precious thing indeed and he needs as much love and support as you do, but sometimes thats hard to implement when you are down.
Firstly you should make sure that you are keeping up to date with your medications, making sure you do not skip taking any and have regular check ups with your doctor so he can monitor you (because sometimes meds need to be altered)
Next, make a plan with your boyfriend of what to do if you have an episode, so that everyone knows they are still loved, nothing bad will happen but that you just need to be on your own or with other people until the episode passes. This will give you some space and stop you getting into petty conflicts with him or showering him with negativity.
On your 'up' days you should make an effort to do something nice with him, like cook a special meal, work out together or have fun in some other way. Get out into the sunshine and exercise because it is a great mood booster.
If you begin to feel negative or your thinking starts to get you down, have a key word that you can say to him to let him know your thoughts are changing, so he can either leave you alone to wallow or just sit with you without saying anything, again avoiding conflict.
You must accept that anytime you have an outburst, he has liberty to walk away for the sake of himself if he feels threatened or upset and the relationship in general. You have to accept that as a coping mechanism for him and for you.
If you can afford it you could also perhaps go to some group therapy, to see how others cope in their relationships.
He does indeed need time for trust to be rebuilt because he is hurt and just as upset as you, so you need to show him a coping strategy which will perhaps give him some hope that things will get better and any bad patches can be overcome by simply avoiding the triggers in the first place.
Good luck, keep your head up and let me know how it goes xxx
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