A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Where to start. Well I'm a 27 year old female and my boyfriend of three months is 32. When my boyfriend was 16 he apparently was madly in love with another 16 year old boy, they were each others firsts and they had managed to stay together for about 7 years until they were both 23. They had moved into an apartment together a year before and he said he wanted to marry the boy and raise a family with him.*Please be warned i had a crying attack when he told me this* My boyfriend then said he was out drinking at a bar with friends on a typical evening but when he returned home that night the apartment they were living in was ablaze. His possessions, photos, home and lover had been burnt to ash and cinders. There was nothing left of his lover because the floors above had collapsed on top of their apartment. He still feels if he had stayed home, he could have saved his boyfriend from an agonizing/premature death or at least prevented him from dying alone. He told me all of this last night when I confronted him about being distant (we've seen each other 4 times in the past 3 months) so he started to cry. A counsellor/therapist hasn't helped and he has no family left to support him. He told me to leave him, as I would be better off without him. I'm the first person he's been with since his boyfriend died 9 years ago. I can't leave him just to be alone for the rest of his life, I want to help him rebuild his life. All he does now is work at his office, sleep and barely eat, and he's been doing that routine for nearly a decade now because he gave up trying to contact his friends, so he's completely isolated.Is there anything I can do to save him?
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2011): That is very sad for him... but like the others have said, he needs to work through it himself. You cannot fix or save anybody. It's better if you be his friend and support him, but have your own life that is whole without him. That way you might be in a better position to support him.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (26 April 2011):
 I'm afraid not Sweetie. He needs to want to help himself. He needs to go to the doctor and talk about his options. It is clear that he is suffering severe depression. However he needs to want the help nobody can force him to do this. I think the best thing you can do is be there for him as a friend instead of a girlfriend because it is clear that he is still grieving over his partner that died. He has never gotten over this. He has locked it up and therefore it wont go away until he lets it out and accepts that life must go on. He feels guilty and he is not letting it go. He has shut everyone out of his life and he is punishing himself.
The only thing you can do is to be there for him and tell him you are not going anywhere. Explain to him that he is a good person and that he deserves a happy life. Try and get him motivated to live his life again its the best that you can do.
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A
male
reader, Drew21  +, writes (26 April 2011):
 Eh, this is something he really has to get past on his own, I think. All you can really do is just reassure him that there's nothing he could have done. No way he could have known that that fire would happen that night. He has to stop blaming himself because all he's doing now is sabotaging his own life and ensuring he will always be alone by remaining distant and pushing you away.
One question you could try asking him is "what would your former lover think if he saw you today? Do you think he would WANT to see you sad and lonely because of his death?"
I can understand you wanting to help him, but you also have to do what's right for you, ya know? If he can't come down from this depression...Well, it's not fair to you to suffer through it as well, right?
I wish you the best of luck. I really hope it works out, but be sure to do what will keep you happy and sane!
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