A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm sitting here right now in tears, needing someone's advice on my life.I'm wondering, have any of you ever felt like you've lost your way in life? That there was a path you should've chosen, but instead went way off into the dirt roads into a ditch?I feel like my life has gone that way. I'm 26 and I look back over the last 10 years full of regret. Here I was, the entire time, thinking I had full control over my life.. but I've really steered it nowhere.Don't get me wrong, I've never done anything to shame my parents. I've only ever slept with one man in my life, who I loved.. and have never even gotten rotten drunk before. I have lived a saintly existence, but still, I feel that my mother absolutely hates me.If I could attach a voice recording to this post and you could hear the things she calls me, you would agree... it's not just a typical situation where someone's saying that for attention. My mother looks at me like I am an absolute fraud. She's completely ashamed of who I am and what I have not become.I have worked in PA roles for the past decade, for big corporate companies.. but always felt there was something missing in my life.. I felt that I never built a real career for myself. I'd been shafted from jobs and bullied in the past.. and wanted to gain a qualification that would enable to me to one day work for myself.. so last year, I gave up my full time job (in the recession) and chose to do a one year course in journalism. I am top of my class.. but my parents think I am a loser. I have now almost reached the end of my course, and tonight, I overheard them talking (I live upstairs in a self contained unit while I'm studying). They were talking about the fact that I've never really tried to make big changes in my life.. and dismissed this course.. ignoring the fact my face is on the front of the university's prospectus, their website, magazines and all over the newspapers with all the work I've done.. but my achievements don't seem to matter.The dynamics in my family have changed significantly over the years when my sister began suffering anorexia.. and never really recovered. She is VERY possessive of my mother and doesn't like me talking to her.. so it's easier for my mother to ignore me and pretend I don't exist.. which breaks my heart.My sister hates me for NO reason.. I am just someone to vent her frustration at. I know I sound like I am painting myself as the victim here, but I have spent many years (since she's been sick) blaming myself.. thinking it must've been something I've said or done, since she hates me so much. I've booked myself into a counsellor AND a psychologist.. thinking there may be something I need to fix about myself, or some better way to handle the situation and help her recover.. but they've both said there's nothing wrong with me and nothing I could've done to prevent what happened.Her illness tore my family apart. It seems now all we do is fight. Tonight my mother told me the reason the family don't get on is because I chose to study. My family are going through financial difficulties, but I am the only one that contributes all the money I earn from my own to house costs and food. No one else in the family other than my father gives a cent towards running the household. I seem to be the only one that worries about the money situation and the stress my father's going through, while my mother and sister take his card and go out shopping..Yet there are times like tonight, where I will be blamed for the family's problems.I don't talk about what I go through regularly at home with anybody, out of respect for my family.. I would feel like I was betraying them by talking about it.. so if I want to vent.. I book myself into see a counsellor at my university to talk things through.But this is just really breaking my heart... I am tired of being told off by my LITTLE sister who rules the household and has everyone under her control. I'm tired of my mother picking the bones out of me about my life being BORING and uneventful and insulting me for wanting to further my education... and I'm tired of my father agreeing with their insults because it's easier to be on side with my mother and sister and speak to me in secret, so he doesn't get in trouble.Has anyone ever been in a toxic situation like this? What can I do? Is there anything I can do to rectify the broken rifts in my family.. and help them to be proud of me? Even though I know I am being treated unfairly, I still long more than ever to have them say something like, they're proud of me.. or they like the person that I am. I find myself longing to hear just a few words like this.. it would mean the world to me.Anyways, sorry for the long post.Any advice is appreciated.
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anorexic, bullied, drunk, money, university Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2009): Stop seeking their approval because if you were the first woman on Mars you wont get it. You just give them more ammo.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2009): Hey everyone,
Wow! Thank you SO much for your excellent advice! You know I burst into tears reading the answers from you on this page... they were so heartfelt and beautifully written.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2009): i agree w marriedlady, you need to change situation, you cant change them.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2009): I don't normally chime in as the seventh person to say the same thing, but your post touched me, and it sounds like you need a hug and a pat on the back to help restore your perspective.
Most of us have this image of what family is *supposed* to be. Wise, brave, caring parents who understand how to balance the needs of their different children, appreciate them for themselves, and yet let them know they're loved equally. You're certainly not living that dream. And honestly, I can't think of anyone I've ever gotten to know well who has. Every family has dysfunction of one sort or another. I'm sorry you seem to be the brunt of yours.
I haven't experienced it first hand (thank God), but I can imagine how terrifying anorexia must be to a parent. It requires infinite patience and care to help your child through it. Regardless of how good a parent your mother was before you sister became ill, she must have been thrown for quite the loop. I would imagine that it warped the relationships -- with your sister, with you, and perhaps with her husband as well. It's the quiet, dutiful child who suffers. All the worse that your father sounds like a coward.
Do you have any idea how really gutsy and admirable it was for you to hit your mid-20s and realize that what you were doing wasn't right for you? Do you have any idea how many people are already irredeemably in a rut by that time, without the gumption to change? You should be intensely proud. You've chose an honourable profession. As a parent I'm appalled that you haven't had the recognition from the people who matter to you. But it's clear that you're never going to get the affirmation you seek from your family, because they're too small, too wrapped up in their own world, or too deep in their own ruts. Too bad for them, but don't let them bring you down. An eagle can't soar with a rock tied to her feet.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2009): Screw them. If they don't care about you why should you care a rats ass about them. March over to them right now, sit them down and say that either they shut up and mind their own business, or you won't have anything to do with them. You clearly don't need them, all they do is bring you down. So unless they can support you, all they do is bring you down. Be logical. They are feeding off of you and using you as a dart board for all their frustrations. Enough is enough, get ridd of them.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2009): i can only tell you that i am sorry for what you are going thru. These things happen and we cant do much to change other people. The only person in this picture that you have any control over is yourself. If you can look yourself in the eye each morning with peace, and without shame, you are successful. Success is not a financial level, or a degree that can be achieved. My dad had a saying, 'hardships make us bitter or better..' there is no magic formula. Your family will probably not change. But YOU can and are breaking the cycle. Hold to your integrity and your faith in yourself. I was reminded earlier this week of the old Rudyard Kipling Poem..'If.' Dig it out, google it, print it and read it. Carry a copy with you... Pm me if you need to talk. Best of luck, ml.
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A
female
reader, jasmas99  +, writes (14 October 2009):
 Hi HunIt takes guts and determination to keep going and in trying to get to greater things in life. And you do that and are doing that. So you should be proud of yourself. One day you will have your own family to share all your fruitations with, and what others think wont matter so much. I think your family all take you for granted, and they do that because you allow them to do this. Maybe you are a little bit more like your father than you realise, because like him you dont speak up either, because its easier not too.Your parents are probably very old fashioned, and do not understand nor can they relate to the paths you are chosing, so that makes them feel stupid because its all a little bit too much for them to take in and understand.Thats certainly no excuse for the way they treat you. But if you dont talk up then you wont ever be heard. Feeling like you are is not fair, and you seriously need to burst the bubble of being walked all over. Isnt it about time you took a stand and even try out what your sister preachers so often.... stamp your feet girl, make them hear how you are feeling.I think once you have got where you need to be and you can finally move out and have your own place, things will certainly feel clearer, and your relationships with your family may even get a hell of a lot better.The saying goes ' you dont know what you have until its gone '. And your family will soon come to realise just how much they depend upon you.It does sound like your mother and your sister are suffering with a little bit of the green eyed monster!! ....JEALOUSLY!!! Maybe they are a tad jealous because you are out there doing all the things that they do not have the courage and detimination to do.This is not your fault if this is to be the case, this is their issues and its down to them to deal with.You really do need to speak up and tell them exactly how you feel. Dont hold back, yes its not going to be pretty, and none of them will take kindly to your words, because the truth hurts, but you know what the truth needs to be heard so they stop walking all over you. If you feel you cant talk it through with them, write your mum, dad and sister a letter each, tell them exactly how much you love them and how much you want to be a part of the family and not feel like your an outsider who shouldnt be there, tell them how you are feeling. Even the stuff you are too scared to say out loud, dont hold back, get this in the open once and for all.You wont be able to deal with this ever if they do not know exactly how your feeling.Good luck to you hun, remember always to be proud of yourself because you have every right to be!!
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (14 October 2009):
What you do is simple:
Get a job, get some cash, move out.
Just because they are your family doesn't mean you have to be in their lives.
You'll be far happier without them. Not all parents are the lovely caring supportive types. There are horrible people in the world and they manage to breed just as well as the rest of us.
So make a plan, stop letting their misery impact you and get out of there.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, Sammycake +, writes (14 October 2009):
 I can see you're torn between being true to yourself and keeping your family happy. I promote your way of thinking. Keep educating yourself, keep on striving for that goal, there's absolutely NOTHING wrong with wanting to better yourself. Stop worrying about what your family thinks of you, spend your time with people who actually give a damn about your life. If they start going on again about how you never contribute anything to the family, you have every right to go absolutely ballistic at them. At least you're trying to make something of yourself instead of resigning to the fact that your family don't like you and feeling sorry for yourself all the time.It's people like you who give me faith in humans again, but you need to try and find the courage to tell them exactly how you feel. It's what they're angling for, they're looking for a way to break you. From what you've said I've gauged that they're not particularly successful; I may be wrong, but if that's the case, then it's jealousy that's driving them to say all of these things.You need to ignore them and be proud of your achievements. Not many people in the world can say that they've led a good life, but you're one of them, and you will gain so much respect for that.I wish you all the best,Sammy.
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