A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:A year ago I met a guy who had just moved to my city. We started dating, but I always wondered if he had a gf back home. He said no, but after a year of dating I found out that he did - I overheard him on the phone with her. At first I was devastated and angry. This man had spent a lot of time telling me he loves me and that I was the first woman that I could see a future with. It took a lot of effort, but we have remained friends. For a while I thought we would get back together, as he was really coming on to me, but I remained adamant that I would not sleep with him without some sort of commitment (for want of a better word). After being together for a year and everything that happened I don't think it is unreasonable to ask that I have a clear idea of where I stand with him. Not asking for marriage or anything, but I don't want to be friends with benefits. I'm happy with just dating....Well, since that conversation he has backed off. But, I am still wondering if he is interested....he's working at defending his PhD in 2 weeks, so he is pretty busy, but still calls. I have been sick and couldn't work, he gave me money so I could go to school. He brings me care packages. I have tried everything to get over this guy, even tried seeing other ppl...it's not working. He has let me know that what happened was not b/c of anything I did. He has said that he wants to get his head back on straight and if I am still available then maybe/hopefully we can try again...right now though he is concentrating on school.I just don't know if this is all a come on or what.I know that I still have feelings for him and miss him. I would like to know what I can do to see if we can maybe try again. Thanks!
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for responding.
Being available is what I have been doing.
Interestingly I just got off the phone with him. He just called to see how I am doing. He told me that he still has feelings for me that he hasn't been able to get over YET. So he needs time before he can be honest with everyone. Not sure what that means.....
He says he's isolating himself so he doesn't hurt anyone else.....
He also said that he has been on a few dating sites, looking, but hasn't talked to anyone and has no plans to.
SO, I think what bothers me so much is if he has feelings, why does he seem to want to get over them so much. I also guess the question remains what else has he not told me.
It drives me a little batty to love someone so much...and not be able to get over them. Especially when it seems that they are trying to get over you.
I almost feel like asking him why he tries so hard to get over me, and why we can't just try and be together. With all our cards on the table and if it works, great. If not, well then at least we know and all this can end....I think this would be a bad idea though, too much pressure.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2009): i think more. Be patient. Give it a couple more months. He wants you but doesnt have the energy to do this relationship justice until the dust settles. If you want to make the grade with him give him some time, but be available during his down time. This wont make you a doormat. This is being a loving and considerate person. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo, he is no longer with the other girl friend. She is out of the picture altogether, and no longer living in the country.
He calls when he is out of town, and when his parents come to visit, he invites me along for dinner, excursions. I never got the chance to meet his parents when we were dating, but since then they have come to town 3 times and I have always been included.
We cook dinner together....etc. I can tell he is trying to keep his distance, and I know part of it is to make sure there are no distractions for school. He is 31 and feels that this is make or break, he's worried what will happen if he doesn't ace his PhD defence at the end of the month.
H/e, when I do see him, like last night, he takes me out for dinner....
I don't know if he's doing it just as a friend, or if there is more.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2009): you didnt say if he is still with the other girl friend.
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