A
male
age
41-50,
*izzo89
writes:I've recently gotten in engaged to my fiance' about 2 months ago. We've known each other for about 2 years and lived together for nearly a year. We had a plan to come to the US, (i'm a us citizen) and start a life here. So I've given up my job and work permit and moved back to the US and have started work. We are currently awaiting a Visa.Now she says she feels we are rushing things and she's concerned and slightly confused because she still has occasional feelings for random people including a friend she knew before we met. She wants to get past all this before we're married.The problem is she thought that by being non exclusive for a little while it might fix things. I completely disagree and afraid it would tear things apart. Now i'm a complete mess. Everyday feels like its my last and I have a sense a doom over me all the time because i'm afraid i'll lose her. Just today when we were talking about meeting over the holidays she asked me if I missed sex. She doesn't know this but I freaked slightly when i heard her ask because again I feel i'm losing her. I've picked up and moved everything and now i'm unsure she's going to follow through and be with me and I really scared and depressed about it. Through all of this my love for her has gotton stronger but I fear hers may be waining. She says it isn't but i'm still scared.Is there anything I can do to get through this?
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male
reader, vizzo89 +, writes (19 October 2007):
vizzo89 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks, I agree that jumping on plane probably won't help matters much. I'm quite a bit calmer now, I've spoken with her and she wants to do everything possible to keep things going.
We didn't talk much last week which I think got her really down. Since then we've started talking at least twice a day even if its only 10 min and she's said that helps alot.
With her personality she can easily work herself up into a panic and I think thats whats happened. She always calms down just takes a little time. In the past two years she's panicked over something at least 3 times and one of those times it took over a month to sort out. She is very sensitive and has had panic attacks in the night since she was very young.
I love her, and I'm getting more and more used to these periods of panic but I guess this ones hits alot harder since i'm not there. I'll just have to do my best to keep her calm, communicate regularly and make sure she knows how much I appreciate her until she gets through this. I'm much more confident now that she will, I just have to have patience.
I remember too that a few months ago she said she's never been so calm and steady as she has been in the last two years thanks to me. So not hearing from me much last week probabily didn't help.
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (19 October 2007):
 I understand your pain. However, I don't think that jumping onto a plane would really make any difference. She is slipping through your fingers, and you want to know what you could do to prevent this from happening. What needs to happen is that she wants to stick to you no matter how long the wait or the problems. This is always the case in any relationship, long-distance or not.
Since she has lived with you for one year already, and has had a two-year relationship with you, she knows what to expect from you. The matter would be whether she would like to live in the US.
Bear in mind that this is something we are assuming she feels. She hasn't said it herself.
I understand that moving to the United States can be a major change in her life. But, to be frank, most people in the world would like to live there. Of course, there is also people who have actually lived there and didn't like it, as the American way of life is very different for them to adjust. And, there are the disenchanted, who are always talking about how the grapes were green anyways. But, let's not think about this, and focus on what is really relevant for you.
Is the uncertainty about whether she will adjust to life in the United States reason enough for her to ask for "non-exclusivity"? I don't think so. The reasoning would go like "I'm afraid about what will happen if I move there with you, so I want to keep my options open and see other people, just in case. And I want to see them now, before the question of life in the United States is brought up."
From the contents of your post, I believe that you would leave everything behind if she wouldn't adjust. Isn't this the kind of situation that we THINK she wants to avoid, only with tables turned? What would the future of the relationship be if she didn't adjust to life in the US? Would she dump you?
I don't know where she is from of where she is now. But I suppose that you left the country you were in because the US would be a somewhat better place for you two to live together. I have seen this happen countless times. A cousin of mine married a Canadian and they moved to Canada after some years of trying to do for a better life here.
I know how harsh this will sound, but, if she doesn't want to stay with you, no matter what, there is really no way for you to make her stay. You can't bribe her into staying.
I would suggest that you talk very clearly to her, and you see where you stand.
I wish you the best.
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A
male
reader, Tommy7 +, writes (19 October 2007):
Go back and get her on the plane with you.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (19 October 2007):
 Jumping on a plane may not be a bad idea. It would give you two a chance to clear the air and find out what is really going on. Maybe you turning up in person will help alleviate all the tension?
She really could be terrified of starting a new life and is using these excuses as a defensive posture. And the only way to find out will be to meet her face to face.
Good luck in whatever you do.
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A
male
reader, vizzo89 +, writes (19 October 2007):
vizzo89 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have said that the non exclusive option is not an option and she has agreed with me not to, but I can't help get over this horrible feeling that she's slipping away. I'm occupied with this 24 hours a day to the point where I want to rush onto a plane and meet her.
I think the real issue here is that she sometimes is around another person sometimes has feelings for them. She's afraid she'll make a mistake
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A
male
reader, Collaroy +, writes (19 October 2007):
Hi,
I don't envy your situation. It really does look like she is getting cold feet.
Perhaps the move to the U.S is something that is weighing heavily on her mind. She will be moving away from friends and family to start a new life, its natural to start to worry when you do this.
However, it is unfair of her to now say she feels you are rushing things. Couldnt she have said this before you packed your bags and moved? And the thing about being non exclusive must send the alarm bells ringing.I would see if you can bring out what is really bothering her, is it the move to the U.S? or something else?
You need to ask some tough questions. Is she committed to the relationship? Is she committed to coming over to the U.S?
I wouldnt give up hope just yet, but you really need to get from her some honest answers. You may not like them but at least you will know where you stand.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (19 October 2007):
My sympathies to you. Your situation is very painful. I met a couple who were also trying to get a visa for her, and I know that can be a long and difficult process. I am sure you do love her and care for her a lot.
For her, travelling to the United States would be a very serious step to take, so I suppose she might be unsure whether it would be a good idea. Let's recognize that. Marriages do fail. However, she lived with you for a year, so she might know fairly well how you two function together and what she can expect from you.
Her suggestion about "not being exclusive" sounds awful. She wants to be free to date someone else if she wants to. Since you are far away from each other, in practice this means something like "let me inform you that I will see other people if I want to; if you want to keep the option with me, put up with this". I wouldn't put up with it.
A relationship like yours demands a lot of commitment and a degree of sacrifice. You need to wait for the visa, which I know can take very long, depending on the individual case; and each of you needs to be patient and faithful to each other all along. The two of you need to be very keen on keeping the love alive, because distance and time apart are a very heavy burden to bear, and the physical rewards of the presence of another person are not there. So, she should not be sending messages like this.
She says her love isn't waning, but, asking for freedom to be with someone else is not what people in love do. Her comment about whether you miss sex is a hint that SHE misses it, or that she is already involved with someone else.
All you can do is what you're doing. Let her take her decision. But, if I were you, I would insist that seeing other people is NOT an option. If she loves you, this will be easy to bear.
Can you trust that she will not see anyone else while you're away?
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