A
male
age
36-40,
*essler1231
writes:I have met the most wonderful girl on the planet. Smart, funny, intellectual, but most of all she has a wonderful personality. She is even beautiful, which is where my dilemma begins. I am attracted to larger women and, regrettably, have confessed it to her. She is now in a constant state of panic, incessantly worrying that I will leave her for a women who fits my preference. I've tried to change my fetish in an effort to salvage our relationship but to no avail. Is there any way to correct the emotional damage I've caused her? She does not wish to gain weight so that is out of the question. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, kessler1231 +, writes (13 June 2012):
kessler1231 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would like to thank all of you who have answered. For those of you who believe I intentionally caused her distress, this is not so. I do not wish for her to partake in anything she does not feel comfortable with. I simply believe in an open relationship. At the time I did not realize that she would react in such a manner. I apologize if the last sentence was misleading, it was simply a side note. I had already come to terms with this fact. Her weight does not matter, I love her for her.
(just a little revision to clarify)
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (12 June 2012):
 Yeah I just want to throw this in here as well. A few years ago I was in a relationship with an overweight man. I don't "prefer" overweight men. But I liked him, and we were good together (at first anyway). So even though I can honestly say I prefer fit men more to overweight men.. well. I didn't NEED a fit man you know. I was happy with my plus size guy, even though he for health reasons should have worked on losing the extra weight. Anyway, yes, I PREFER healthy men who are not overweight. But obviously, if that was the most important thing I'd not date an overweight man to begin with.. right?
Your situation is the opposite, but the idea is the same: if dating big women was so important to you you'd date big women. It kinda speaks for itself. And your girlfriend needs to understand this. You like her, just as she is, without extra weight, because out of all women.. thin or thick, you prefer HER. Next, after her, if you have to choose, you'll prefer big women. But you prefer HER over any big woman who comes along. You already did make that choice, as I am sure there are tons of bigger women around, yet you pursued this thinner one out of all your bigger options.
Seriously, what woman prefers that her man has a beer gut instead of a ripped muscular body for example. Few. Yet the chubby males still manage to get dates and wives who are perfectly happy being with their chubby man. I'm just saying. I never heard a woman say she prefers a beer gut (although I am sure they exist), yet I've not heard of any woman who left her man because he got a beer gut.
In the real world you know.. people aren't as hung up on details. It's the person that matters, in the end, and not what they look like. I guess you just got to explain that to your girlfriend so she sees that there's nothing to worry about. You're normal, like everyone else, and she is exactly the same. She's got preferences as well, but she prefers YOU over some life-less idol of a body image. Everyone does. People aren't dolls and every sane person knows this. No one wants to date a perfect, yet life-less doll. We always choose a person over a body.
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A
female
reader, missmatador  +, writes (12 June 2012):
 Dear Kessler1231,At the beginning of a relationship, there is a two and fro of information about pasts and presents. Sometimes the two co-inside and sometimes they don't.I openly expressed my attraction to taller men to my boyfriend and he openly expressed his attraction to tanned/bi-racial women. I'm not going to lie but I think I took the news worse than he did...but let us remember that this 2 years ago and him and I are still together.Women are naturally overly sensitive and I guarantee if you told her that you were attracted to women with hairy breasts the size of Mt. Fuji she would react with the same way. It's what happens afterwards that fixes the situation. If you reassured her that that was before and this is now and that she is perfect and you couldn't ask for any less or MORE as this case calls for it.However, if it is less of an attraction and more of a preference then the relationship has little chance of progressing. If you aren't attracted to her then it simply isn't fair to treat her otherwise. It will not make either of you content or happy. She wouldn't want to be with a man who isn't attracted to hare any more than you would wish to settle for a woman you aren't attracted to!Regards,Pippa
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 June 2012):
 You have not caused her emotional damage. IF you are attracted to heavy women, then that’s your taste. We don’t have to have just what we prefer to be honest. IF everything else about her is fine then perhaps you can learn to find her lack of curves attractive.
I used to be plus sized. Size 26 to be honest. I’m now a size 8. I know about men who prefer larger women and it’s not a FETISH so much as a preference. I prefer broad stocky men with thick thighs but my current partner is slight and was very slender when we started… I still find him attractive and still want him. IF you still find her attractive and still want her then let her know.
IF you love her let her know… let her know you don’t expect her to gain weight.
Figure out what you want to do and if you can manage to stay with her despite her thinness…. If you can great.. if not, then it’s in everyone’s best interest that you part ways… it’s not fair to her or to you to have to live with settling….
However you may find that you can get past her not being plus sized….. also as young as you both are if you stay together and have children I can promise you she will gain weight and then you will be pleased and she can relax that she’s put on those baby pounds… most women panic at it.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (12 June 2012):
I don't think you've caused the damage really. She obviously didn't need much to start worrying, and I'm thinking that you only gave her a solid excuse for her to start her panicking. I think she'd have found something else to panic over eventually, if you hadn't told her this. I also believe that it is much better that you told her about your fetish right off the bat, than her finding out by herself later on. These things do tend to come to the surface one way or the other. And, if you want a future with her, you'd have to tell her about your fetish eventually anyway, right? It's not something you should keep as a "dark secret" when you are in a serious relationship. But you really need to work on this with her, and stop this unnecessary panicking. Describe your fetish to her in words she can understand. If I am correct then you really do not have a NEED for a bigger woman. But you are attracted to it, and the thought of it turns you on, as this is a fetish of yours. Fetishes are more.. irrational sexual fantasies, than they are real life things you NEED, like air and food and water etc. Fetishes aren't a necessity of life, and so many people have fetishes that are impossible to put to real life. They still live on happily and fulfilled... Explain that to her. Try to compare your fetish to something else which she can't possibly feel threatened by. I will give you an example. A couple I know are amazingly enough both into the same fetish, which is unattainable for both. They're into the giant/mini-person fetish. One loves the idea of being a giant, the other loves the idea of being a microscopic human. I'll leave the sexual aspect of this to your imagination. But needless to say, neither can have this fetish fulfilled in real life. They have their games etc, but they love each other! They don't love the fetish! This means that one is NOT turned on my smaller people, or has a desire or need to replace their partner with a tiny tiny human, or large giant, should such a creature suddenly exist. Teach your girlfriend about your fetish. People tend to be scared of the unfamiliar, and of that which they do not understand. Teach her how this works for you, and maybe try to include her in it somehow. Let her feel that this is your fetish, but you are her man, hence she is partially in control of your fetish as well. Your fetish isn't some separate life that she has no contact with and that will go on to desire other women than her. Your fetish is very much involved in your current relationship, and it isn't out there scouting for other women... Hope this helps! Just talk to her. Calm her down.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2012): I cant understand why you would date someone totally wrong for you. Unless you were hoping your comments would leave her feeling inadequate and inclined towards gaining weight to keep you happy and satisfy your fetish?
If she (quite rightly) doesnt want to gain weight for you but you REALLY want a plus size women. Then the best way to limit the damage that has been caused to her and the relationship is to end it before it becomes any worse. You need someone that is more suited to you rather than try to change a slim girl who was once happy with herself.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (12 June 2012):
 I just want to add, if you don't want a thin woman, then dont' date thin women. You are being unfair by dating them then telling them you have a "fetish" for larger women. It's unreasonable.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (12 June 2012):
This is kind of like saying I'm attracted to x men, but I've met this wonderful y man, so I'll tell him I really like x men. Are you kidding me? You might be attracted to larger sized women, but you've met a wonderful girl who isn't big...why have you made this an issue? Here's a quick story for you. I was always attracted to tall thin intellectual types until I met the man of my dreams who was muscular, stocky, and athletic. It doesn't matter the body dimensions! Not to be disrespectful, but stop being so superficial. You need to apologize to your girl if you plan on keeping her. Women are very sensitive about their bodies, so you need to tell her, if you really mean it, that it doesn't matter her body type! Otherwise, I can see this girl leaving because she was never be completely comfortable with you.
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